A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Met up with my first love for the first time in 15 yrs. Cutting a very long story short. When we were together I became very needy as had a few issues in my life. He tried but could not handle it for long and his life started to turn for the better as he did very well in his career. We split. I went on and had a family.He met one of my male friends at a funeral and asked about me not realising this was my children's father. I don't think my partner said anything. He never mentioned it to me.A few months later my ex came to me in a dream. Nothing erotic. I sent him a message saying hi and nice to see him if only in my dream. He initiated a meeting and we went out for dinner. A few months later he initiated another meeting at his home. We had a wonderful afternoon and talked and laughed so much. I did not want to but ended up in bed. He was extremely passionate. I did feel terribly guilty as I felt he took advantage of my weakness for him and about my family. My current partner and I have not been intimate for months and are on the verges of a break up again as things are not working. However I did feel good as I did feel something special from him. I did not give my all to him and he respected my wishes.I keep thinking whether things would work if I was to get back with him. He is not seeing any one exclusively and I am wondering if this was fate him asking about he and me dreaming about him.its really hard to give you a true picture but we share so much in common. Same background, lots of mutual friends, so much to talk about and great chemistry.I am worried that I may come across needy again as I am very sensitive. Over the years I trained to teach, I work as cabin crew and own two houses, but donot have a close extended family so its just me and the kids. Two are now grown men. I do still a little loney and felt that in my last relationship as we did not live together.I do not plan to be sexual with him again unless he is prepared to commit to a relationship as I do not want to feel used. He has stated that he does not want to get married as he feels he will stop having sex. (Silly excuse but I feel he is hiding behind it).Any words of wisdom appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2015): It sounds as if he is happy being free and easy and that commitment is not on his mind. So you are going to be hurt if you hanker after a relationship with him. You may have lots in common etc but if he doesn't want to what you want, it isn't going anywhere. I think you seem as if you are putting a lot of hope and emotion into this and 'first loves' are famously important in our memories - you never forget them. So be wary, be realistic and look at what is actually there rather than what you would like to be there.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (5 November 2015):
I have a rather horrible feeling that you are falling for what you want him to be rather than what he is, because in your mind he seems to be the solution to your unhappy circumstances. Please take off the rose-tinted glasses and look at the facts: after only a second meeting you had sex. I assume in the course of your talking, if not before, he found out you have a partner and are in a relationship. That means he’s a cheat, as are you. You seem to believe already that he took advantage of your vulnerability so what’s so great about a man that does that? Now he’s saying that he won’t get married because then he’d stop having sex? Come on! What he means is that he would be tied to one person. You say he’s not seeing anyone “exclusively,” which rather sounds like he’s seeing several people and I’d bet good money he’s having sex with them. It’s not fate him asking about you and you having a dream, it really isn’t. That’s pie in the sky nonsense.
You write that you’re worried about coming across as needy. I think you come across as vulnerable, unhappy and pretty stuck. I think he knew exactly how to make you feel good: good enough to get in to bed with him, which I suspect was against your better judgement and was not at all in character for you. This is not some-one who has your best interests at heart or offers you any kind of happier future. I think you need to keep your distance and let your head rule your heart on this one. You should also concentrate on your current relationship because you need to resolve things either way: either you break up, or you commit to working on fixing things, perhaps with the support of a counsellor. Relate is a good place to start looking for that kind of help. So that should be your focus, not this ex, because if you re-read your post very carefully I think deep down you know he isn’t the person you want him to be, or the person he makes himself out to be.
I wish you all the very best.
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