A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I would really like some help with this. I have just come out of a near 3 year relationship with my girlfriend who's jealousy, insecurity and mistrust of me destroyed our relationship. The 3 years have been an emotional roller coaster whereby my girlfriend's insane jealousy and inscurities have worn me down so much to the point my own mental health was being tested and i started to question my own sanity.There are far too many examples to list so I would like to mention just two that were very early in the relationship which gives you a flavour of what was happening. She told a malcious lie about my sister. I believe this was told because my sister was still very friendly with my ex wife and they were going on holiday together with their kids (two of the kids being mine). Also around that time, my girlfriend banned me from taking my car to a friend who serviced my car because he lived in the same town as my ex girlfriend.. The rest of the relationship was riddled with these types of jealous and insecure behaviours, other lies and generally irrational behaviour.I loved this lady and believe it or not still do but I am very hurt but I at least can now see what she was about. I have been researching the Internet and I think she may have borderline personality disorder, is anyone familiar with this? I just wonder if I should attempt to contact her or her family to try and offer help or just now stay out of it and move on, thanks for your time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your help and comments.All are very valid and it has helped me greatly to see that there are caring people out there who have taken the time to listen to me and respond.Just to let you know,earlier on this year we attended counselling together but this did not work as my ex was not prepared to be too exposed.I know I have tried everything but to no avail.I am still trying to get over her but I am tying! Again thanks to you all.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): I'm not a doctor- but I dated a girl on again off again for 4 years. She was diagnosed with bi-polar, but after researching borderline personality disorder and how it is very often mis-diagnosed as bipolar, comparing the symptoms- I'm convinced she was BPD.
I've seen how dark this disorder can affect a person so much at a core level... constant kicking, punching, yelling, crazy mood swings on the drop of a dime, severe irrational jealousy, manipulation, I've had knives pulled on me, stuff thrown at me, security called on me, had her blatantly lie to her family and mutual friends that I beat her up, had my stuff broken, been blackmailed, been made to delete all female contacts, wouldn't let me visit a friend from school (girl) in hospital after breaking her pelvis in a bad car accident- hell, the jealousy was so bad that I couldn't even watch or own dvd's that showed sex scenes- she'd make me cover my eyes, 50+ breakups.... I could go on and on... Can you draw any parallels?
Your ex could just be a normal female who's got low self-esteem and insecurities... either way- its not your place to say anything, regardless of your suspicions or noble intentions.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): First of all, I am very glad that you are out of this relationship. It sounds like you had a really tough time with an ex who was riddled with insecurity and pathological jealousy.
However, I would caution against armchair psychiatric diagnoses. It can be very, very tempting when one exits a relationship to pathologize the ex's behaviour, because it helps to legitimate our sense that they were 'over the line', that their behaviour was completely unacceptable. Being able to put a medical label on our experience is a reassuring sign that our own judgement remains unclouded, helping us to put aside our own sense of guilt for our part in a relationship's breakdown. There is also a more positive side: ascribing an illness to someone means that we no longer have to be angry with the way that they treated us - because it wasn't 'them' behaving that way, it was the sickness. Many people find forgiveness in their hearts this way. Finally, it also helps us to regain self-esteem, by becoming the rescuer, rather than the victim.
However, I'm afraid that the reality is that only a psychiatrist can diagnose these disorders. They are notoriously difficult to diagnose, even with trained professionals with years of experience - and some psychiatrists don't even really believe that they exist. Web resources on mental health issues need to be treated with a great deal of caution, because many are partial, inaccurate, and misleading accounts. It can be very easy to look through someone's description of them, and see characteristics of behaviour that seem, almost uncannily, to match - I know because I've done it myself! But bear in mind that in most cases, you're not reading an academic, peer reviewed article by a trained professional from a position where you're trained to deal with that information, but instead are seeing a subjective account written by someone who is often confused, hurt, and deeply traumatized by a relationship gone horribly wrong.
Furthermore, in terms of your own relationship you are simply too close to the whole situation to have an objective perspective on it - there's a good reason why medical staff are supposed to be distant from the people they are diagnosing! Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that your girlfriend's behaviour was in any way morally acceptable. Nor am I saying that you are absolutely definitely categorically wrong in your assessment that she is suffering from a borderline personality disorder. I'm saying that you really aren't in much of a position to tell - she might be sick, but it is also possible that she is simply chronically insecure, or possessive, or a plain bully. There is a line between morally unacceptable behaviour, which is sadly quite common or 'normal' in many relationships (witness the many questions on this site from individuals dealing with insecurity in themselves or a partner, and bullying), and mental illness that requires an intervention.
I would therefore recommend that you do not contact her friends and family. If you do, you may well be ignored or laughed at - or even become the focus of considerable anger. Mental illness, unfortunately, comes with terrible (unwarranted) stigma, and your girlfriend and possibly her family also will likely be very offended at the idea that she is unwell. If they approach you, by all means give your side of the story.
Rather than focusing on her behaviour, I think it might be more positive and productive for you to look at the dynamic of the relationship that developed, to try to understand it in a way that accepts what happened and allows you to heal from the wounds it has inflicted on you personally. It sounds as though you've had an awful lot to cope with, and I wouldn't be surprised if you're quite scarred and upset by the whole experience. You need time to regain your equilibrium and learn to feel confident and assertive again.
You don't need a medical opinion to tell you that your girlfriend's behaviour was wrong. You don't need a psychiatrist's diagnosis to let go of any guilt you feel for walking away from a relationship that simply didn't work and made you miserable. You don't need any professional viewpoint to know that you are a totally sane, independent, strong person. And you don't need the idea of illness to be able to forgive your girlfriend and move on into a future which I am sure will see far more functional and healthy relationships develop for you. Just focus on your own wellbeing for now - you've been to hell and back, and now is your time to heal and go forward! Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): She needs counselling of some kind. It sounds to be she let her insecurity take over her life. It may have been horrible for you to be on the recivieving end of her anger but imagine being her, being inside her head with all these thoughts. Maybe you can email your ex, do not contact her family as you got no right to do that
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A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1  +, writes (3 November 2010):
If you love her why don't you find a relationship counselor and visit with her? As well as visit independently. That may help, you can be open and honest. It is all about reaching a mature level of communication and your ex has not reached that level yet, but she may be able to with the right guidence.
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