A
male
age
41-50,
*igdummy
writes:Well... As my screen name states it all. I am dumb. I recently cheated on my wife of 12 years. I regret everything about it. It does get worse it was with three women. I know that this act is insulting and a slap in the face to her.I dont know the reason that i did this and I dont have an excuse because there is no excuse for this. We did just have a kid about 15 months old now. I am willing to try and work things out and I know that this is easier for me to say as the cheater... but am I asking too much for her to stay with me if she is willing. i know that this is going to be an uphill battle for me to regain some trust back but... We are not mean to each other we dont fight about it it just is... but we do talk about it and we are civil.Is there any recovering from this in a relationship? Is love enough to conquer. I know that we wont be the same ever again but is it worth it to try and work out for our kid and for us. I am up to the fight but I dont know if she is willing to let me fight.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 May 2010):
 IF you are military, you can EASILY get counseling without informing your CoC. ( For those not in the military CoC = Chain of Command) All you have to do is call MilitaryOneSource. ( you can look up the numbers on the www). It will not be on your record.
You keep saying you don't know why, but you do. It might be really deep rooted, but when we keep doing a behavior we KNOW is wrong, there is a payoff that we want in spite of the costs.
Call and find a counselor. See one on your own and as a couple and good luck.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 May 2010):
 Thank you for your service to our country.
May I ask, was the cheating the result of being away for so long? Was it that you had proximity working against you? That your wife was so far away and an available woman presented herself? Three times?
Was it that you were experiencing dangerous situations and the normal internal censors that keep one's behavior in check were out of order? That in extreme fear and danger comes extreme coping mechanisms?
I think you do need to come to grips with the 'why' of your cheating. I know it doesn't look great on your service record but talking to the psychologists available to you might not be a bad idea. I don't know how that all works but I'm pretty sure you're not the only serviceman in your situation.
I think that being exposed to severe stress can cause uncharacteristic behavior; get yourself evaluated for PTSD and depression. I think the more you show you are trying to understand why you did this, the better your chances of reconciling with her become. Sweeping it all under the carpet at this point isn't going to fix the situation.
Time to be truthful to yourself.
Take good care of yourself and stay safe. Thank you again for your service to our country.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (19 May 2010):
 Maybe you should consider seeing a counselor of some sort. Somebody who can help you put some of your thoughts and feelings in order. This would go a long way with your wife and essentially acknowledging you have a problem and you are serious about getting better.
So far you are not really saying anything to us, or even yourself, that makes us believe you won't ever do this again.
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A
male
reader, bigdummy +, writes (19 May 2010):
bigdummy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am currently fighting for us, the hard part is i am away with work for about three more months. I call almost everyday tell her how my day was ask about hers talk about things like whats going on in my head. I really can say that I dont know the reason that I did this. she asked me and I asked myself and I cant explain it. about the only thing that I can really say that it was the thrill to feel wanted maybe instead of just being there. thats about all that I have been able to answer to myself.I do have an issue communicating whats going on in my head and that has built up for a while, so lately ive been writing my thought down and telling her everything that I write down and that is helping with my communication side of things.Also I do know that the trust will maybe never be there again and I am fine with that, I dont mind her asking where im going or what im doing. Ive had that for the past 5 years. I dont go out with the guys, I dont go to bars, Im never late coming home from work. I wont know any different in that aspect. I really dont do anything without her.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (19 May 2010):
 I don't think you honestly want this relationship to recover. You can't even admit that the reason you cheated THREE times is because you don't want to be married anymore. I say this because when you say you worry that she won't "let" you fight for the marriage, it sounds like you'll only make an effort if she makes an effort. If she rejects you, you won't even try, even though you profess that you want to stay together.
Maybe it's because you don't want to be the one to actually end things-- it's easier to let her make the decision so you won't come off as the bad guy. You'll be able to tell your kid "I tried to work things out, but she wouldn't let me", making it seem as though she wanted out when it was you who wanted out all along.
The thing is that YOU screwed up, not her, so any effort to repair things is YOUR duty. If my assessment is wrong and you're up to the fight, then fight! Don't wait for her to give you the green light. Don't worry about whether or not you win her back, just start doing whatever it is you claim you're ready to do to save your marriage.
Speaking of which, have you even given any thought to what you're willing to do to save your marriage?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): i've found out that my boyfriend for two years. he was seeing a girl for 5 months. but we're still together. maybe im being stupid, maybe he will do it again. but i know he's sorry. he said something similar to what you said, funnily enough.
since then we've been talking a lot on the phone. like you we haven't been arguing so much. obviously there's a big difference in that you cheated with 3 girls and are married. but i think that since she is being civil she must really love you. it is goung to be tough, prepare to take a lot of mouth from her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): have you told her to have a AIDS/HIV test and other STDs? did you also have one. next time you think with your penis, this first of the consequences. oh and also stop feeling so sorry for yourslef. you are not the victim but the wrong doer. you are the adulterer and the betrayer of vows. you f ing 3 oher women besides your wife is not just insulting and a slap in her face. you have no cooking clue do you? you have noc lue what you messed up. i really feel sorry for the wife and the baby. both don't deserve this immature person you are. you are asking too much from heryou expect too muchyou don't deserve herfrom a good 12 year marriage to thinking divorce and sharing of assets, shared custody (i am more likely to believe sole custody to the wife), can you feel and see your life slipping away.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 May 2010):
I think until you can HONESTLY say WHY you cheated 3 times, you have no chance. You didn't just wake up with a woody and fell over some woman and had sex. You consciously CHOSE to cheat. Cheating takes a little planning, even if you just picked a chick up at a bar and had sex.. IT involves thinking. It involves doing.
I suggest you take this seriously. Get some counseling for yourself and maybe some marriage/couples counseling might help too.
Personally, I wouldn't take you back, I would forgive you and forget you. But I'm not your wife. You have a LONG road and a lot of work ahead of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): you need to spend some time apart and then try to win her back. You cant expect to get back together asap. it takes time.
Everyone would say this but if you loved her, you wouldnt do it in the first place. So do you REALLY want her???
You should spend some time apart, but with a sorry attitude. Then speak to her about it was a huge mistake, and you're willing to regain her trust
hope this helped
x
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (18 May 2010):
I think the first step in all of this is being honest with your self and figuring out why you cheated in the first place. Why did you cheat, and why did you cheat with 3 different women? You don't have to answer us here on this site, but saying "I don't know the reason I did this..." is unhealthy and not fair to your wife. You did it for a reason. Whether you aren't getting enough satisfaction from just being with one person, or you just love your wife as a sister more than a lover, you just NEED to be honest. Then you can move forward from there.
Next thing you need to do is guarantee 100% to yourself that it will NEVER happen again. Can you do that? In your mind and heart can you promise yourself you will never, ever, EVER have sex with another woman besides your wife? If you are able to make that promise to yourself and mean it, then you can talk to your wife about trying again. If you honestly cannot promise yourself that, then you should just get a divorce because that would be the best thing for her in the long run.
If you are to give it another try, though, you should not expect it to be easy. You need to be willing to spend the rest of your life making it up to her. You should expect her to not trust you ever again, because 3 times cheating means you don't deserve anymore trust. Whether she gives it to you eventually, that is up to her.
Seriously man, do what is best for her... not for you. If you feel guilty, fine. But don't try to get back with her just to ease your guilt. She doesn't deserve what you've done. You need to be a man and do what's right. And if that means letting her go so you don't hurt her again... then so be it.
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (18 May 2010):
 I think you need to be asking her all of these same questions. If she's willing and able to get through it. You need to know WHY you did this, if you don't root that out, I think it's all just wasted time and effort. You cheated three times and have absolutely NO clue why? One of two things is afoot here: you're either lying through your teeth OR you're genuinely clueless. NO ONE cheats three times and doesn't know why, my friend. Oops! I did it again? You need to be honest. With yourself, with her. As well as everyone here you're asking help of!
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A
female
reader, brklynsis81 +, writes (18 May 2010):
 I do think your relationship could recover, but please know it may take a long time for her to regain trust in you. You must be patient and willing to do whatever she asks, regardless of how over-the-top it might seem. Enroll yourself in counseling. Allow her to read all of your emails and monitor your phone calls. Most of all, do not rush her, let her forgive you on her own time table.
Do you think you may have a sex addiction? If that is the case, I suggest you seek counseling.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): you cheated with 3 woman. please help me understand what/ where was your love during this betrayal. no use crying over spilled milk. i think jus like you took it like a man and cheated be prepared for the unexpected. maybe she doesn't want to figh for this love. after all what will she be fighting for? blaming/using the kids existence does not justify your betrayal. you need to firstly learn to be truthful. as for trust expect her to almost never trust you agin. this is a long shot but i know you wouldn't go for it. i have heard that mature couples when one strays come up with a tit for tat - meaning you slept with 3 women , allow her to sleep with 3 men. it may mean the end of your marriage but at least you would not be the hypocrite. as i say this is for mature couples only and i do not suggest you go for this. maybe the other aunts can suggest an alternative solution.
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