A
female
age
30-35,
esha454
writes:I have fallen in love with a guy who has been a friend of mine for so long. I really love him and his daughter so much. I have always gone to him for relationship advice and other issues. We have been living together and working on a relationship for the last seven months. There are issues that stand in our way, one being the fact that I slept with his brother (almost 8 years ago) I need to understand a couple of things; 1. Why is this issue still such a big deal with him even though we have gone so far into this relationship? 2.Why is it that some days we can have days where we are happy having fun (just perfect) and then all of the sudden in the middle of that happiness, he brings that issue to the table? 3. With me seeing that this is a situation that will work out, with both of is being happy, what can I say to him to ease his mind about his worries of the past and to insure him that it is all about him and no one else? Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (13 November 2007):
 If he has not gotten over it after 8 years together, he is not going to get over it now.
How would you feel if he had slept with your family member before being with you? Are you sure you would be OK with that? What about if that family member was someone that you competted against as a rival?
It may have something to do with the nature of how he relates to his brother. What is that relationship like?
In his mind, he does not have you to himself. He has to share you in a way with his brother...something that he might want to keep private from him.
This is not going to change, so you might want to consider being with someone else whose brother you have not slept with.
I only know about 3 couples in your situation, and in 2 cases, the guys did work out their issues. In the third, the woman only married the second brother BECAUSE she could not have the first one, and he might be thinking you SETTLED for the "next best thing". In that case, the marriage will not work out.
-Frank B Kermit
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007): okayokay i'm gonna give a guys perspective on this.saying 'he meant nothing to me it was a oneoff i really love you' won't help in this situation. what ya gotta do is let him see that your relationship is on all levels (in other words, the sex ya had with his brother was a oneoff casual sex thing. so give him casual sex as well!) like I say in every answer I give, ya gotta use the problem to solve the problem, the problem is sex, so use sex to solve it. make the guy see that he's your casual sleeparound now, and that he's better than his brother so your sticking with him for good. (ps: never ever EVER say 'I regretted sleepin with your brother' or something along those lines, this makes it sound so slutty and makes him think his brother got to you first.)good luck =]
...............................
A
female
reader, Fade878 +, writes (12 November 2007):
 Better yet, write a letter. Say how much you love and appreciate him. Then state your worries. I am worried that this decision I made 8 years ago will destroy what I love and enjoy about you, us. I don't want this.
I want to help but don't know how and I don't know what you want or expect.
I would like to take this issue to a couple's counsellor. I think this won't be resolved unless we do.
I want to have a life with you. You have been such a good friend to me all these years and I don't want this to end. I like how we can be happy together. I want to work this out. I want to help.
I need to hear that you want to love me too and be my friend. I want to hear that this is hard for you too. I want to hear that couple's counselling is a good idea.
I need to hear you love me still.
...............................
A
female
reader, Fade878 +, writes (12 November 2007):
You need to say. I can't undo it. I did not know then what I know now. 8 years and I am no longer that person. I know it must hurt you. I love you and want a life with you. You make me happy. I love your daughter, she is amazing.
Tell him I don't understand why you keep bringing up my past. I can't change it and nor could you. I did the best I could at that time.
What is it you feel is unresolved? How much of this is you letting go of this part of my past? Everytime you bring it up, it takes from today. It's like you seem to want to always punish me for a decision I made. I'm sorry it hurts you.
Can we see a counsellor to address this. I know you need closure on it but I don't fully understand how or why. It's hard for me and it makes me feel like crap. I know you love me and don't want to make me feel like crap or you don't want to punish me. So let's take this to a counsellor.
I'll feel safer with someone else present and who can translate to me what you are wanting or expecting.
Please let's do this.
I want us to be happy and overcome the past. I don't want to regret trusting and confiding in you. You have been a trusted friend and this is how I knew to love and trust in you. I don't want to lose this.
Couple's counselling. I don't think you or I can do this alone.
...............................
A
male
reader, HABROH  +, writes (12 November 2007):
I don't think you will persuade him to let it go the relationship you had with his brother before 8 years. He should be the only one to trust you since you really mean to be with him. Otherwise he will sacrifice you one day by loosing you. Tell him to be alright whenever his mood is good. Otherwise let him to have his time to understand it.
...............................
A
female
reader, TELLULAH  + ♥, writes (12 November 2007):
 Hi,
You cant!, The longer you let him carry this on, the worse he will become. You have tried to persude him that his brother meens nothing to you. And the only one that you care about is him. This is his problem, and he needs to see that (he) not you, will ruin the relationship if he carries on. I can understand him being a little jelous, and insecure about it. But it was 8 years ago, and he is still bringing it up nearly every day. He needs to let go of the past, and trust the fact that you love him. Because thats what all this is really about.
XX Tellulah
...............................
|
