A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyoneI've had a girlfriend for nearly two years now. I love her and during these 2 years it has always been me who put in the majority of the effort. It's long distance which doesn't help, but she sacrificed very little for us whereas I did everything I could. but everything was ok. she has never flown to visit me, i always visit her. I would fly all the way there and then she would work all day and decide to late too, or work weekends. so we barely spent any time together. when we are together she is very affectionate but it seemed like i was not her priority.The last 6 months have been more difficult, she first starting having doubts, saying she wasn't sure if she really loved me, saying she wasn't sure what "love" even is. She wants to spend more time with me in person and not long distance to be sure if we work together as a couple, so she said that when i visit her soon for 3 weeks it will decide our future. It makes sense but at the same time it made me very sad.This was very difficult for me but we got through it. However now she is the total reverse. she is very possessive, gets angry if i talk with other girls. she seems to not trust me at all for no reason. Now she says she is 100% sure she is in love with me, but after the way she was over the last 6 months I now have doubts of my own about our relationship.she seems to have become very controlling, loses her patience with me very fast and all my flaws that she overlooked before, she now seems to hate. we had no arguments in the first year and a half, and in the last 6 months we have had many. I'm no longer sure if i can see a future with her, i still love her but now I have doubts like she had previously. I went to see a friend of mine who is a girl and although she was just a friend, i felt so happy spending the time with her, and it made me think that i should feel even happier than this when I talk with my girlfriend but i just dont anymore. she had one night were she was just too much, so i told her how i felt and since then she has seemed better. but i dont know if it's a matter of time until she is the same. If she gets a job again she will have no time for me again as before.I plan to visit her in the next months and make a decision after that as she had suggested when she had doubts too. I want it to work and i want to feel like i did for her before but she doesn't seem like the same girl i fell in love with anymore. I've already arranged the visit so want to do that and then see how things are.Any suggestions? do you think visiting her is a good idea?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (20 May 2014):
 Another vote for Ciar.
I wrote about if an LDR is worth it..
sounds to me as long as she knows she has you she's fine to be able to admit she is not sure how she feels... but once you start backing off she gets jealous...
not good.
after 2 years it's fish or cut bait time.... if an LDR is still an LDR for adults after two years...I'm betting it's never going to work out.
I'll give you an example or two...
1. my husband and i met and we lived 100 miles (2 hours by car) apart. we started dating casually... within 4 months we knew it was serious and by the end of the first year he had given up his home his job and his entire life to move to be with me. I gave up my pets due to his severe allergies.... both parties have to give a little. we lived together another year and then we married. we will be married 2 years in October...
2. another couple we know as the same gap... they met just before we did and married 3 weeks before we did. they see each other every weekend... but he can't leave his city to move here with her for another 18 months or so... they make due...but they married to show their commitment to each other and the relationship.
3. my son is currently in an LDR... it was NOT LDR but the young lady decided to move 700 miles (10 hour car trip) away and my son had a HUGE choice to make... he had just gotten a great job paying 6 figures and YET he's willing to give that up... and has given notice and is currently paying his lease, and half of THEIR lease in their new home and is moving from here in July to be with this woman who RIGHT before she moved he gave an engagement ring to.
LDRS have ONE goal. TO NOT BE LDR....
if there is no concrete plan to end the distance then there is no concrete plan to forward the relationship...
I'd cancel the trip and end it with her... but prepare for her backlash....
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 May 2014):
 I am with Ciar.
Nothing NEW under the sun will show up and "show you the way" or that you two are meant for each other. If it hasn't already, it's NOT going to happen, you CAN'T force LOVE.
She has NEVER come to see you in 2 years? So you have MADE all the financial commitment and she has made none, I see no talk of moving towards living closer either, I would say after 2 years it should be the main focus. From what you write it's ALL about what SHE wants. SHE wants you to come visit for 3 weeks so SHE can decide... but if she isn't taking time off work to SPEND time either, how are a few hours in the evening going to help decide?
I would not spend any more time or money on this relationship. Nothing is going to change.
And don't forget we don't always get to see the person "we" dates true face til a good while into getting to know them, my guess is ... that negative controlling girl is WHO she is. It just took a lot longer for you to "met" her because what you have is a LDR and it's WAY easier to put your best foot forward in a LDR.
Next time you date, find someone local.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (20 May 2014):
 Sadly your faced with the irony of spending so long proving, doubting, making most the effort and wondering if she actually loves you, only to meet her to sort out your insecurities and find it has put her into a defensive, suspicious mode.
I do wonder what her reasons are for this sudden change? Maybe she now realises she does indeed love you but is faced with an inner conflict as a result? On one hand she acknowledges now that she does love you, on the other hand she knows that the distance between you, and the fact her future employment could make her have less time for you and so on, is likely to cause you both to drift apart. Its possible that she is subconsciously trying to in some way sabotage the relationship as she is scared of loving someone and getting too close emotionally when realistically is unlikely to develop into a full time, committed relationship.
For far too long the relationship has been way to one sided. You have done the chasing and made most of the effort. You have done the giving, her the taking. Plus you have had the hassle and expense of the travel. LDR are often problematic and those that make it work are couples who's relationship is based on trust and, usually, the knowledge that at some point the distance will be closed. It also takes two to make a LDR work. In your case it seems that there is a lack of trust, a lack of understanding of each others feelings and every chance that she will soon be back to spending less and less time with you. Plus the distance, her lack of time, etc.
I do think from what you have said that you are stuck in a situation where the relationship is basically a frustrating cycle that's no longer making you happy. You feel way down her list of priorities, probably taken for granted, and now after YOU have spent so long proving yourself and trying to make it work, SHE, who let you keep the relationship going and left you to do the donkey work, now accuses you, directs her anger at you and acts in a way which is possessive.
To be honest OP I think this situation has dragged on for way too long. I appreciate the distance, other things in her life, etc. But it sounds to me like you have had little return for the huge effort you have put into this.
Relationships are like jobs: If we want to be paid fairly, we must earn our wage. I do think you should have given her an ultimatum of some kind previously. For way too long she made no real effort and when you made the effort she would leave you hanging about while she was unable to make time for you. She has taken you for granted and expected you to come to her. She has sacrificed little but is happy for you to give up so much. I do think you should have confronted her about that a lot earlier. Sorry just my opinion.
One of the common problems with an LDR is that one or both sides of the relationship often feel they have invested so much time, money and effort into keeping it going that they feel unable to back out of it. Or they bite their tongues for far too long not wanting to make a difficult situation worse. Sometimes LDRs are like a bad job, we stick with it out of habit or routine. That's true of a lot of relationship, situations of course, but again a LDR usually involve an investment of energy, time, money, efforts and travel.
I also think, that maybe your GF has yet to really find herself and learned to know how she feels. Love takes time but there comes a point where you have to ask yourself - if she doesn't know what love really is, or if she is in love, how long do you intend waiting for her to solve her inner confusion?
You say she sees to change, OP you don't tell us her age but if she is young its very common for young adults to evolve, change, mature and develop into someone very different in the first few years of adulthood.
In my opinion, and its up to yourself to decide of course, but I think it is better to move on from this. I don't see how this can work when; she is no longer the person she once was, she has spent too long making it clear that if you stopped making the effort of two people the relationship would have drifted to nothing, in future she likely to be back in the "too busy for you" situation, and of course the current lack of trust and anger towards you.
Relationships have to be worked at and we all have to take the thick with the thin, but this particular relationship seems way beyond the point of diminishing returns for you.
All the best
Mark
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (20 May 2014):
 I don't think there is any point for a couple of reasons, to be honest.
What pivotal piece of information do you think is going to reveal itself during the coming months and the next visit that hasn't already been revealed in the past 2 years? What is an umpteen hundred dollar plane ticket and time spent in the air going to tell you that you don't already know?
The other things is if neither of you has concrete plans to relocate then what is all this for? All you've got is a virtual girlfriend you visit every few months if you're lucky.
You may care about the woman but I think you're losing interest in her. my advice is to stop fighting it and just let it happen. Past investment does not justify future investment.
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