A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi lovely Cupids, I hope you're all doing well right now. I have a relationship question I need a bit of help with. Me and my boyfriend have been together just over 2 years now. We met through my bestfriend as we needed a room filling in our house and she invited him to live with us whilst he was finishing his final year masters. This is before we all ended up moving to different cities for work around the same time. He lives close to me now. He's at his parents and I'm in a new house share with pals. We get on really well and have a lot of respect for each other. He often says he loves me for my independence and work ethic and passion and it's so different to any other guy I've met. However, things have been so difficult ever since we started living apart. The fact he's living with his parents with set rules and times again (he's 29) is really difficult and offputting - especially when i'm doing my own thing. He hasn't been able to find a job which is really getting him down. He's so motivated by work and the fact he hasn't found anything for over a year is affecting his mental health. He comes to visit me every other weekend and sometimes he barely has anything to say. Being cooped up with his family again, combined with having no job is making him feel like he has nothing worthy to contribute to conversations or anything.i've tried to be there for him so much and nothing is helping. He has been getting lots of interviews but he is quite a shy person anyway, combined wth the fact his self worth is so low my opinion is he's not coming off the best he can be (and how fab I know he really is!) Lots of my closest friends who know him well have said they don't know how I deal with him because he is a very difficult person in the sense that he really struggles to communicate or read social situations. and my new housemates pointed out he's incredibley shy which is weird when I'm complete opposite. He's really lost his spark in life and I honestly don't really know what to do at this point. It's making me wonder if I see a future. I try and chat about all kinda of things and I get one word answers in return. I feel so guilty for feeling like I should take a break with things whilst he sorts himself out or end things. I don't just want to walk away when things get tough at all because I do like him. However - I don't know if right now at this point in his life he can prioritise a relationship and I definitely don't want things to turn sour between us.Equally, this has been going on for about a year now and I feel pretty alone about it all.I don't feel like I even have a partner, someone on my side..etc. I genuinely think he's a fab person but I don't know how much I can cope with this situation anymore..
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2020): The endurance and success of a relationship is directly correlated to the quality of that emotional-interaction. It must be fulfilling, and totally reciprocated. When a partner in a relationship runs into misfortune or loss; the other will become their immediate and closest source of support. You have attempted to fulfill your role as his committed-mate and support. There is a point where you stop, when all your efforts fail; and your devotion is no longer reciprocated or appreciated.
Feelings of compassion, guilt, and inadequacy is what brought you here. He has not shown you sufficient feedback; to let you know that your efforts and concern matter to him, and that they are valued. Not to be kicking him while he's down; I've been in his shoes, and know exactly how he feels. Yet, you don't leave your lover and supporters feeling they're totally ineffective and underappreciated. Giving-up is not an option! Don't forget to tell him so!
It was my family, friends, neighbors, and former co-workers who came to my aid when I struggled between jobs. I was always over-qualified, or lacked the particular skills they were looking for. I had to persevere; and became very dependent on prayer, and my faith in God. Mankind was not giving me all the encouragement and reassurance I needed; so I learned I had to seek every source or resource I could, to get me through it. I've more than succeeded. I dread to think, what would have happened had I just given-up?
In life, there are seasons. Ecclesiastes 3: 1-22
"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;"...
This is just a season in his life. He is only 29, and there will be many more to come.
He is now undergoing a time of reflection, introspection, growth, and change. He can waste this time feeling sorry for himself; or he can use the time to enlighten himself, and restore his energy. If he has a faith and source of worship; these are the times we turn to them. If he has a religious advisor, this is a time to seek comfort and support from a Higher Source. There are some things above human understanding and ability. If you're both unbelievers, you may dismiss this advice if you will; but it may still plant a seed. I will pray for both of you, all the same. He should realize a woman's good love is hard to comeby. You don't waste it or take it for granted. It is precious.
You might want to give yourself some breathing-room before he sucks the light out of your spirit. You still have your problems and struggles like anybody else; but lovingly, you take time to help him. He isn't returning that love; because self-pity and self-defeat has put-up a wall that your good-intentions and devotion can't penetrate. He is going to lose something rare and hard to find in these days and times. A woman who hasn't given-up on him! Only you can't hold-on forever! Nor should you!
I think you should hang in there just a little longer. Not until it hurts, only after you make a final-effort to give him your diehard support; because my friends and family were relentless. They pushed me and supported me; until I could stand on my own two feet. My precious Lord gave me strength I didn't know I had.
The distance that was forced between us by covid-19 also has some benefits. It forced us to review ourselves and relationships. It has pushed us to see beyond materialism, selfishness, and to face the probability of our mortality. It allowed you to struggle on, and to discover your potential; in spite of seeing things that could deter your progress. You are sticking it out and pressing on. Not giving-up on yourself, or your boyfriend. You too need support and encouragement. It's hard!
Don't feel bad if you have to move on. May God guide you and give you strength.
I commend you; because you came here for advice before just throwing in the towel. Pray on it, if you've never bothered to do so before. Then tell him, you're running out of strength to help him. He is draining you, even though you're dipping into your reserves; because you love him. He has to make you feel you are valued as a source of strength and support; and you need to see evidence that he can lean on your support, and love you for it.
If he doesn't feel your love and support is helping; then he leaves you no choice, but to withdraw it. You can't afford to be pulled-down with him. You love him too much; but you also love yourself, and you work hard to keep going. Even in the face of covid-19; and other life-struggles and challenges. Let him know, he will find work. God-willing! Just use this time to hone his skills, keep sending out resumes, follow-up on job-applications, network with friends; and take whatever he can get, until things change. They will change, and they will get better. Doom and gloom overshadows us during these times, but like the seasons...this will all change.
God bless and guide you. May He provide you the strength to carry-on, and make tough decisions. May things turnaround for your boyfriend; and by God's mercy, may your relationship be preserved. If your love is not helping enough; may our Good Lord add to it, until the end of this season. May you both find happiness and joy on the other side of this. Amen!
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (10 November 2020):
 I know its hard, but it sounds like to me that this relationship has run it's course.
I think that your fighting a losing battle because he is not willing to help himself. We can give people all the love and support there is, but at the end of the day the only one that can truly help him is himself.
This has been going on for over a year now, you see him at weekends and he barely has anything to say. You make the effort to chat and all you get is one word answers in return this kind of behaviour is to be expected from a child, not a grown adult.
I know it feels like walking away when things are tough is the wrong thing to do, but at the end of the day you have been going through this for over a year now, and I think that you deserve better.
Being in a relationship is not about feeling alone, feeling like you don't have a partner, or someone on your side. You should feel loved, cherished and wanted.
I think he needs to come to the realisation that, yes he is back home with his parents, no he has not been able to find a job for a year. there are worse things hat could have happened. He needs to pick himself up, dust himself down and get his zest for life back and stop mopping around, and also grow up as well.
I think you need a break while he sorts himself out, I think you needs some breathing space from it all.
Sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind in life, and until he mans up and starts helping himself then this is going to go nowhere.
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A
female
reader, MaskOn +, writes (9 November 2020):
 I think I can understand both sides honestly, I've been in both of your shoes myself.Not being able to have a proper conversation with someone you used to chat away with, or just get along well with, is disheartening. Sometimes it makes you feel like you're the problem, and like you're not doing enough or good enough. Other times it makes you frustrated and angry, and usually really upset too. We're social beings, so when something that's so vital for a relationship/friendship to flourish disappears, it's no wonder why you're having all of these doubts. Things, in general, are going good for you, and you're not the only one who thinks you might be "too good for" him. When close friends who know you both also point this out, it really only gives your doubts confirmation. Your thoughts are completely understandable and valid, they don't mean you don't like/love him.On the other side of things, wow. I can completely see why he would be so down in the dumps. You've noted that work is something that motivates him, he even pointed out that your work ethic is one of the reasons he likes you. It's no surprise then that when he has no work, he's unmotivated and put out. He's 29 and his girlfriend is thriving, likely the vast majority of his friends are working too... and he feels like he's not only gone back to square one with no work but probably even more behind because he's now being treated like a child again whilst living with his parents. I have a feeling he not only feels unmotivated but also emasculated. Everyone around him is moving forward but he's moving back and no matter what he does, it seems like he can't change that.I've been in his situation before, I was looking for a job for maybe two years or so before I finally found one. Every day, I hated when people would ask me what I'm up to or what's new with me because it was always the same situation still. It made me not want to talk to people because I knew the drill, and I hated that I would have to say the same thing over and over again. That I was still at home, looking for a job.Here's some advice on what you can do to help him, and in turn, your relationship.1) Do activities you both enjoy together: Maybe nothing immediately springs to mind, but there are loads of things you can do if you just put aside an hour or two to spend together, and you don't have to talk. Just being around someone and being comfortable makes a difference, and it can strengthen your bond. Try colouring or some crafts (you could make matching bracelets), play with clay/playdough or bake something, go on a picnic outside (maybe in your garden) or inside (in your living room).2) Give him positive affirmations: The most important thing is to be honest when you're trying to bring up his self-confidence. Why did you start dating him? What do you like about his personality, looks, character? When did you last pay him a random compliment? Make time to randomly hug him or whatnot and tell him that you're glad to just see him. Actually think about all the things you love about him and write it down, make him a card or a letter and send it to him. Maybe it won't work but I've done this a lot and literally every time, I'll be thanked and they'll say I made them cry/etc. Put in that time to make him realise you do think about him and care for him.3) Help with looking for a job: So I don't know what field he's trying to work in, but you could always try helping him search. If you think it'd upset him, maybe look on your own and then if you find a good opportunity, maybe suggest the website where you found it and say a friend thought of him when they saw the listing. I applied to a lot of jobs myself and eventually, I got one, even during this pandemic. Although it's not always fun, it does help to start small. I went for a job that I could easily do and readily explain why I would be an excellent hire, so maybe suggest going a little lower than he'd originally like to first?Anyway, good luck to you! Please keep us updated, I wish you both the best. And remember, it's not your job to sort out his life so if you do think you need to leave, just do it love.
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