A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so this appears to be quite a common problem but would really appreciate some unbiased views on this...I have been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years and 6 months ago he moved in with me (he owns a house 100 miles away that he now rents out.) So I know that he is committed to me and I know that he loves me. He treats me well and on the surface our relationship is good. BUT...!About a month ago I went on to his e-mail (innocently to print off our holiday itinerary) and saw an e-mail from his ex girlfriend who we both used to work with. They were never properly together but saw each other on and off for a year or so, but she treated him badly and so it finished. Then he started seeing me and suddenly she was interested again. Anyway, he hadn't heard anything from her until now when she contacted him through Facebook (so subsequently I saw it on his e-mail). I had no problem with this and wasn't overly bothered that he was in touch with her (not delighted but secure enough in our relationship that I wasn't worried) but then I saw some replies that he sent her which to my mind were a little overly friendly considering he has always told me he hated her. He suggested meeting up and said it was great to be back in touch and gave her his mobile number so she could text him. I told him I had seen this and told him I was very upset considering she had tried to get him back when we were together before and that out of respect for me he shouldn't be quite so friendly towards her. He fought it a little to start with then said actually he understood how I felt and wouldn't contact her again, but that I couldn't do this with all his "female friends". Anyway he went on to tell me what he had written in following e-mails claiming he had told her all about me and it was all about our up and coming trip to America. Now I had read a number of those e-mails and they didn't say that at all. I also then read some texts which referred to something she had said to him one night a long time ago and he told her how "he still remembered that night, where they were standing etc, which is unlike him to remember things." They talked about how nice it was to be back in touch etc.I haven't followed up with him to say I saw what he wrote as I'm not exactly chuffed with having read private texts and e-mails but my instincts were screaming that he wasn't quite telling me the truth so I have kept an eye on things since. (Although he has now changed his password on his e-mail - which I can understand but also makes me extra suspicious.)This isn't the first incident of this kind. I have also seen texts from another ex girlfriend that he was with for 5 years (she cheated on him then dumped him) they lived together etc. These texts referred to "wasting all those years" now I don't know if thats wasted years together or wasted years apart. I know she was with someone for a long time after him until recently and when she broke up with him that she got back in touch with my boyfriend (typical female behaviour!)The truth of it is that deep down I don't believe he would cheat on me or else he wouldn't have moved 100 miles from his friends and family and job to be with me. He is quite moralistic and wouldn't really have the time to cheat, its the fact that he is being so friendly and flirtatious with ex girlfriends behind my back which to me is deceitful and makes me feel like crap!I have always been very trusting and secure but now I am finding myself worrying constantly and when he goes up to see him friends back home (where both his ex girlfriends live) I am becoming paranoid he is going to meet up with them.I would really appreciate a male and female perspective on this. I don't know if he is just enjoying the female attention or whether I should be worried? My relationship with my ex (husband) was very trusting and I know without a doubt that he would never have done anything like this, neither cheat, nor flirt with other women behind my back so I am just not used to this kind of behaviour from my man!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010): Hello,He claims he hated her yet their still in contact, and remembering their past together. Out of respect I believe he should have mentioned there conversations to let you know their communicating. Exes are part of our pasts and I'm not sure its a good idea to be in contact especially if she may have unresolved feelings for him. Which it sounds as though she does. I don't think he is being unfaithful to you, I think its unproper though for him to suggest they meet up etc. Was he planning on doing this solo or with you? If there's nothing to hide he surely should have alerted you of his intentions. If it bothers you, tell him. I'm not convinced there's anything transpiring, but she may want more than a platonic relationship. Good luck;D
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify I am female and my boyfriend is male! Not sure why they have tagged this as a gay relationship!!! Not that it makes any difference but in the interests of accuracy!!
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