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I queried my husband about an App he has on his phone. Do I let it go or do I go deeper?

Tagged as: Friends, Social Media, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 April 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 19 April 2017)
A female United States age 30-35, *helseaEB writes:

My husband was checking his phone in front of me and I saw that he has a chat lock app.

I asked him why and he said that he hates when I see his texts.

I was like WTF, I have NEVER checked his phone or his WhatsApp chats.

If he hands me his phone for something and I see a text I tell him “XX texted you” and apparently he hates that.

I don’t know what to think of it.

I’m the kind of person that thinks that if you need an app to hide your texts its because yo have something to hide, and I personally wouldn't have something like that.

What do you think? Do I let it go or do I go deeper? Also I am never ever touching his phone again, even if he hands it to me.

View related questions: text

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (19 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntSounds very dodgy to me. Me and my partner leave our phones in the sitting room all the time even when we are elsewhere and it would never cross either off our minds to look at the others messages. He is hiding something.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (17 April 2017):

We have allowed social media and technology to cause distrust, dissension, and conflict into our relationships. Nowadays people feel compelled to assess or judge the condition of our relationships based on what goes on or is found on our devices. Seems the ladies are more concerned about cheating than respect and kindness; and must think the problem is men having a cheating-gene. Never-mind you have to have a cheating-partner to cheat. Most likely another female! They aren't always innocent and unaware he's some other lady's dude!

Ever evaluated the state of your union? Not just you, but any reader with this similar problem. Reviewing it for cracks and weak-spots? I do it regularly. We talk-it-out in a calm setting. So far, so good! I'm working on things and always willing to learn. So I spread the wisdom!

Too much fighting, nagging, distrust, and no effective communication. That's usually the health-condition of modern relationships.

Cheating is the only problem that seems to be directly confronted or suspected; when there are a slew of other issues needing equal attention. I mean on both sides of the relationship. Not to mention clinging-on to a totally toxic relationship. Then complaining when it defies any known remedy to cure it!

Saying all this to say what, you might ask?

Let's site some examples.

No sex or intimacy. Always complaining and demanding, no spontaneous affection either-way. If you don't give it, why should you expect it? Always needing and never giving. Not things; but trust, patience, and support. Always starting fights on every little issue. Touchy, belligerence, and insensitivity to the others feelings. Always me-myself-and-I!!!

Withholding/internalizing your grievances by not verbalizing the problem; but instead, childishly pouting and acting-out, expecting someone to read your mind?!! "What's wrong now, what did I do?" "Nothing!"

Pick a fight, and you'll get a grocery-list of complaints!

Never really solving problems, just showing you are irritated without explaining what the hell you're irritated about? Then when pressed, the general over-reactionary response is to throw in stuff that happened five years ago? Neither just you or him, I mean everyone is guilty of it!!!

Old sh*t has to have a statute of limitation! It has to be currently relevant and contributing to the present state of affairs!

It's not about his phone app, there are underlying issues that makes the phone app a problem. He hates snooping!

Address this problem with his long-standing history in-mind. Have a plan of action beforehand, in-case he isn't forthcoming with the facts and details. If he has a good marital report-card, he will have a reasonable response. If not, then put your plan into action. How will you work it out? If it's the last straw, follow your gut. You know when enough is enough. He already knows he's in trouble, and has had time to dispose of evidence and hide his tracks. So the phone is no longer an issue.

Most often it's poor confused and neglected women who come to the site with a grievance about a husband or boyfriend; but all relationships require a minimum of two people. It's not just his fault, but guys gets most of the blame. Most of the problems are either committing to the wrong guy, incompatibility; or people don't know how to address their differences without hell breaking loose. Keeping things in proper-perspective and staying calm is never a consideration. Just fight it out! You have to have a strategy. You don't want to alienate your partner, you just want the facts so you can fix the problem.

I'm going to help you and others get through these types of situations. It's not easy. Nor is it one-size fits all; but it's a foundation to work upon.

You have to get to the point, and address the problem without allowing other fringe-elements to contaminate your

real concerns. First, assess the overall condition of the relationship! You must handle one problem at a time. Not a dozen complaints at one time. Listen when it is his turn to speak. Don't speak during, or complete his sentences. You need facts and an explanation. So ask, then listen-up!

Don't just confront your husband about the app. Ask your husband is he dissatisfied with the marriage and feel the need to contact other women? If not, what is he hiding on his phone that he wouldn't want to share with his own wife? Don't articulate your unsubstantiated suspicions; be direct about your core concerns. Fidelity and trust.

Is he so unhappy that he feels the need to secretly go outside the marriage? Are there secrets he thinks you could justify withholding from him, and would he be comfortable with that? Ask him if you were secretly chatting with other men, how would that make him feel?

Isn't that really what you want and need to know?

The problem isn't the app. It's the question of whether your trust is deserved or misplaced? Right?!!

So open-up a discussion (not argument, screaming-match, or inquisition) to get to the bottom of things.

If you have been having a flurry of disagreements, he's been acting shady, he shows you disrespect, doesn't seem to touch you tenderly anymore (if ever); then backtrack, and make sure your marriage wasn't a world-wind romance leading to a race to the alter. Because haste makes waste. If you married a guy with a reputation as a womanizing-flirt, he has roving eyes, and you met him when he was dating someone else. Well, sometimes karma catches-up with you. If you don't really know him, you couldn't trust him before he put a ring on your finger. So maybe marriage wasn't the best move to begin with.

An inquiry into a trust-related issue has to be effective; meaning it has to have some sensitivity, maturity, and you try to give each other benefit of the doubt. The outcome should be everybody wins! Be prepared for the truth. Don't draw your own conclusions before asking relevant questions. Unless you've already found solid and incriminating evidence. Then go for the kill!!! Lay it all on the table.

Trust until there is solid evidence found that trust has been violated. Jumping to conclusions based on insecurity is your own problem, not his fault. If things were solid to begin with, there would be no reason for snooping through his devices, checking his underwear; or any of the crazy things people do when they don't trust their spouse or mate.

Finally, calmly inform him you don't think two married-people should hide secrets and expect to be trusted. Hand him your phone and ask him to go through it. If he will not hand you his phone in return; then ask him to convince you that he trusts and loves you, or if you should in return? No dramatics, just matter-of-factually. Emotionalizing and dramatizing ends the conversation before it even gets started. Don't give him an excuse to jet!

If he adamantly refuses? Tell your man that you might have to reconsider how you really feel about him. Apparently he doesn't want you to trust him. That should get him thinking. It's the truth, or you wouldn't have sought advice about it.

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A female reader, MissKin United Kingdom + , writes (17 April 2017):

MissKin agony auntOh.. That sounds incredibly suspicious. Are you sure there has been no previous trust issues or checking of his phone? If there really hasn't then I'd say he's up to no good :/ you shouldn't jump to conclusions but it doesn't sound good and it doesn't make you feel good. It would make me wonder what he's hiding that needs to be so private.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2017):

I would not put up with it not one bit but I kno I always think the worst plus why would you have it unless there was something to hide....but if you have never distrusted him before try and let it go but ask him to put one on your phone and see what his reaction would be ...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2017):

I think you dig deeper. I agree, if he is that concerned about hising his texta he has something to hide. I wouldnt stick to your resolution to never touch his phone again, because I think you are going to need to do some detective work. It could be juat flirtations, not neccessarily affairs, but even that isnt good news. I think you need to do things like drop in on his work...this isnt good, he is a man, not a little boy, he shouldnt need to play with his phone in secret.

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