A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been suffering through a terrible break up and I need some encouraging words and help to get through it. My gf and I were together about two years. We split on Sunday because she couldn't handle a relationship anymore. She deeply suffers from depression, anxiety, as well as eating disorders. I've always known and tried to support her in every way I knew how. I even started going to therapy to learn how to help her when she goes through rough patches and depressed spells. Or more like help myself, as she always would shut me out. I tried to learn the best way to be a supporter for her through these issues. She was/is also in therapy herself, and on medication for depression and anxiety, but she still wasn't stable. She wasn't able to hold down a proper job or go to school and study the way she needed to. She was sleeping all day or staying up all night. She would sleep through work or class, or anything else. She just wasn't accountable and wasn't in a good place. She was constantly struggling. I tried so hard to make us work. I gave it my all. We talked on Saturday night and got into a little spat. I was trying to have a light conversation about some things that should have been able to be talked about calmly, but she had a bad day about something else and blew up on me and hung up. I didn't hear from her for the rest of that evening or all the next day. I called her the next night hoping to talk it out. She then caught me off guard saying she couldn't handle a relationship anymore because she was so unstable. She said she needed to work on herself to get to a healthier place. She said she doesn't love herself and is so depressed and non functioning, that she can't give me what I need and that in order to ever get to a good place emotionally, she needed to be alone. I was devastated. This woman was my whole world and I'd put my whole heart into her. She was my everything. I agreed she needed to do what she needed for herself as I recognize whole heartedly that she needs to get some help. It's just I wanted to marry this woman. I wanted to take care of her and watch over her and protect her. I wanted to spend my life with her. I know I need to move on but it hurts so damn much. And a part of me is terrified of moving on. I'm afraid to start letting go because that makes it final, and I wanted to be with her forever. So it's devastating to embrace the fact that she wasn't the one like I thought.A part of me is mad at her for not loving me enough to fight and make it work. Another part of me is happy she will be able to focus on herself to get better. I'm just a mess and confused and didn't see this coming. We spoke again on the phone tonight one last time. I needed my closure. She told me she still loved me with her whole heart and can't imagine her life without me, but she just can't handle the stress of a relationship while she works on her issues. That it's too much for her to handle and that she will never get better if she worries about me/us all the time. She said she just needs to get healthy and stable. We said our goodbyes. I'm just hurting so badly. Any kind words or words of wisdom? Thanks guys. Take care.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2014): Wow. This is uncannily like how my last (and only) relationship ended.
When we broke up last year, I was 22 and my ex was 28.
I, like your girlfriend, just couldn't handle the relationship. I was struggling with depression, anxiety, self-harm, low self-esteem, etc. and it was REALLY hard. I appreciated that my boyfriend was always there for me, but I knew that it was too much of a one-way street because he had become the caretaker and I could barely take care of myself.
We broke up over a year ago and I still miss him, and I have not dated anyone else.
However, I do know that I did the right thing, for me and for us.
Sometimes I think that maybe one day we'll get back together, but I'm certainly not holding out hope for that to happen.
I think that one day I will find someone who will not worsen the anxiety and depression that I already have. I am not looking for anyone else to fix those problems, but I AM looking for someone who won't increase them.
My boyfriend was insecure and jealous, as well as being unintentionally insensitive at times, and I know those things added to my struggles. He was not a bad person but I know now that he was not the right person for me. (Although we did really love each other, which is part of what made this so difficult.)
I know this is an awful situation but it will get better with time. Also, look back and focus on some of the negative aspects of your relationship…did your girlfriend cry a lot? Was she emotionally needy or unavailable? Did you feel like you were walking on eggshells sometimes because you didn't want to upset her?
I KNOW there were negative things…write them all down and read the list every day. That will remind you that the breakup was for the best, for both of you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2014): OP here. Thanks so much for the kind words and words of wisdom. To the posters who mentioned co-dependency, I believe you're quite right. I started focusing so much on making sure she was okay and taken care of, I stopped worrying about myself. I stopped needing or asking for really anything because I didn't want to be a burden on her. But yet I still was anyway. And ideally, a partner should be able to ask their significant other for love, attention, and affection without fear of asking too much. Logically, I know that. But now it does feel like my arm was cut off. I feel a huge hole inside.
What hurts the most is losing my best friend. that person I shared my life with. I read things online or hear things I know she would want to know about, and I just want to call her and tell her all about it. It's hard retraining my brain not to share everything with her. Then I start to feel alone when I realize I can't.
I also start to get angry. I start to wonder why she didn't love me enough to make us work, or why we couldn't work through it together. Then I start to blame myself, like it was my fault for stressing her that night. And how it could have been different had that just not happened.
It's just a nightmare.
Thanks again for everyone's kind words. Thank you.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (26 March 2014):
 I think she actually did you a favour by breaking up with you. Your ex girlfriend's attitude towards her own self and the way that she chose to tackle her problems were a clear indication of the fact that she was absolutely unable even to take care of her own self, let alone sustain a relationship. What would have happened in this process was that she would have dragged you down with her. Really, its not your job to watch over her and protect her. That's HER responsibility, to take care of herself and deal with her problems. As much as you think you can help her, you can't. Not unless she wants to help herself. And believe me OP, from what you've written, this girl really needs to be alone now and seek professional help for her problems. And at least she had the clarity of mind to say that she just can't handle the stress of a relationship while she works on her issues..that's something positive about her.
I know you're hurting OP and there's no escaping that. That shows how much you love her and what she means to you. But love also means that sometimes you have to let go of the other person, and that is what you have to do now OP.
Accept that she needs to be alone and that you too need to be without her. You cannot let her problems take over you and your life. You seem to have lost your identity nd made yourself to be all about your ex. That's completely wrong and you too need therapy to get over your issues. Deny all you want, but this wasn't exactly the most healthy relationship for you and you too deserve your peace of mind.
In a few days when the clouds start to clear, you will see that you are happier without her. That doesn't mean that you have stopped loving her. It just means that you have finally let go of her and allowed yourself the real happiness that you deserve.
And that will be your closure.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2014): I know the feeling of losing someone; believe me, I do. Knowing all her issues, you've become very devoted to her; and did everything you could to help nurse her back to health.
It seems the counseling and therapy you received, didn't prepare you for the worst-case scenario. The patient doesn't always successfully recover; or they can only function up to a point. Some get worse, before showing any signs of improvement. You also got carried away being her hero and caretaker. You lead yourself to believe you could fix her.
You aggravated her condition a little when you persisted on talking to her, when she wasn't up to it. Your frustration with all the complications of her depression was taking its toll on you. You didn't realize it at the time. You just chalked it up to the normal rigors of maintaining a relationship. Not so in this case. Depression is an illness. Both physical and mental. You can't just shake it off, or snap out of it.
You just wanted a normal girlfriend and a happy relationship. You missed the girl you fell in-love with.
Don't feel bad because you couldn't save her. It's also okay for you to feel angry; because you tried so hard. Let yourself feel every emotion associated with your loss; so you can start the healing process. Go through the full range of feelings, and then allow yourself to have some fun to counter the ill-effects of grief.
Sometimes people suffering emotional and psychological afflictions don't physically show their illness. They look perfectly normal, and appear to be themselves. There are no physical signs that there is anything wrong. That's what makes it so hard. Of course for some, there comes the stage when they may stop eating, caring for their hygiene; and they begin to look gaunt and sickly.
That's only when they've avoided treatment, and refused help. They've gone into isolation, and no one has access to care for them; while they're mentally incapacitated. They belong in a mental-healthcare facility at this stage.
You may feel talking to them should help, since they seem lucid and can usually put up a pretty good argument in their own defense. The trouble is; they are not functioning in full charge of all their mental facilities. There is something wrong; and it is more frustrating to them, than it is to you. They feel they're at the control-panel; but the controls are not responding. The system has gone haywire. Happiness never comes. They're dark and withdrawn.
You have to detach and completely let go. When we fall in-love there is a chemical process in the brain that forms the bond between us. Just like an addictive drug.
You will have to go cold-turkey in order to allow that chemical process in your brain to reverse itself. Necessary to disconnect your emotional ties to her. That's a form of addictive-withdrawal. Effecting the same sections of the brain as withdrawal from a narcotic-drug.
You have to refocus your attention on yourself and allow her to be free to help herself. You pulling at her, forced her to fight to pull away. That was exhausting. it was very upsetting for her.
She was tired of you rushing her to recover. She was overwhelmed dealing with the profound sadness; and the feeling of being zapped of her physical-strength and energy.
Unintentionally, you were pressuring her to be normal and happy. Pressuring her to make you happy. You were not aware of it at the time; but you are human, and you have needs.
When those needs were deficient, you appealed to her to meet them. Don't feel guilty. You had a right to. It just wasn't working. She isn't well. She needs to be pushed; but she has to submit when she wants to, or can.
There was no way that you'd move on; unless it came to where it has. You'd be struggling to put Humpty-Dumpty together again; but there were just too many pieces. All people don't respond quickly to treatment; and may take years to become even partially functional on their own. The problem is, many people give up on themselves. While loved-ones try to hang-on in their support.
As a boyfriend, you don't have the moral obligation of a father, brother, husband, or any relative. Especially, when she removes that obligation of her own free will. When she feels part of her recovery is letting you go. Accept that for what it's worth.
People suffering depression often don't like being challenged by their therapists, and they may hate their medicine. They may have other chemical imbalances in their brains that don't respond well to counseling, or medicine. It may take several therapies to reach success. There is the problem that some therapist are major quacks, and have no idea what they're doing. The brain is a difficult organ to treat. Mental illness is very difficult to manage. It's hard on families, relationships, and marriages.
You took it too far. Your loyalty held out beyond the point she was capable of handling a relationship. It would have been better to have left earlier to remove some of the pressures on her, and allow yourself to begin the process of moving on. The relationship was long past its expiration-date, or had run its course; once there were arguments, and she had lost her ability to work or attend school.
She had long lost any ability to deal with you; and your emotions when she first fell ill. Looking back, you know what I say is true. She may have decided long ago that she no longer felt love for you. You may have attributed that to her illness in error. Maybe you felt she might change her mind over-time; hoping if you showed her how loyal and devoted you can be. Obviously, to no avail.
That is neither here nor there, at this point. The reality is, that she has reached her final-conclusion. She has laid down her decision.
Words may offer small comfort, but only time heals.
First, your subconscious-mind has to be convinced of the futility of it all. It has to recognize there is nothing more you could do; and now getting on with life is the best thing you can do for yourself. Nature has built-in that survival-mechanism in our minds. It automatically kicks-in, once we stop resisting it. We have to surrender to healing. That's when it begins.
Not wallowing in self-pity, or torturing yourself by grieving over someone who can no longer offer you what you need. She needs her freedom, and she feels her recovery is more important than trying to deal with you at this time. You have your quirks and flaws. Now imagine how tough it could be for her; trying to put up with them, and feeling at her weakest level. Feeling like a failure in your eyes.
Recovery from a breakup takes will-power. Pushing yourself, demanding yourself to get better. Doing the things you like to do, and pulling family and friends closer. The determination to enjoy life, find happiness, and to be available to let love in again in the future.
You fill the void and empty spot she left, with the love of your family.
You don't allow grief to lie to you, telling you all is hopeless. Grief feeds on sadness, it will not stop devouring your strength; until it becomes full-blown depression.
So fight with all your might. Don't give-in to it. She is not the last and only love you will have in your life.
You must survive.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 March 2014):
 Actually, it may not feel like it, but this actually could be the best thing for both of you as individuals and possibly as a couple.
The way you described your relationship showed some warning signs of codependency to me. What that means is that you actually filled emotional needs by caring for her and trying to be her everything to meet her needs. It happens sometimes, and it is not a healthy place for you to be either. You made her your everything, which meant you made her issues your everything as well.
Nobody can be each other's everything. You are in danger of losing yourself, and what you're feeling goes beyond breakup pain or grief. Since you had become co-dependent, you feel incomplete, like your arm or leg was amputated. You need to re-learn how to live as a complete individual again, because you have forgotten to.
I would suggest you remain in therapy for yourself. And I also suggest that you not stay in contact with her now. She needs to work on herself as well, and giving her the space to do it is the only chance you have. It is the only chance she has as well. Consider it your last act of love to let her go all the way and work on yourself to regain your own individuality.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (26 March 2014):
You may have had expectations of this relationship lasting forever, but judging by her mental state, was that really what's best for you?
I don't think it is. You should try to remember that there are billions of women in the world, many that have all the positive traits of your ex, without the mental health issues that ruined your relationship.
You are not a caregiver, and trust me, you would eventually tire of her problems, and you would be miserable.
Now is your chance to find someone who is better for you and who'll make you happy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2014): I'm so sorry to hear this.I know what it's like to feel madly in love in a long term relationship, then to suffer the pain of breaking up. However throughout your relationship all you have done is give. You have to put yourself first for once. You gave everything to this girl, and invested your life in her. I think she will regret this in time, but trust me you will find someone else, even though you don't believe me right now. Even if she decides in the future to be with you, right now you deserve to have some 'me time.' Do everything you dreamed of doing, go out and have fun. Life is short, don't feel guilty for enjoying yourself. Don't sit and wallow - I did this for 5 days after a breakup, I never left the bed. By the end of those 5 days I barely even had the will to live. My point is, don't do what I did. Enjoy your life. If she truly loves you she will come back, but she might never - so learn to get over her, spend lots of time with friends/family. Remember the good things in life before you met her - you can be happy again.sending all my love and best wishes over, be strong
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