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I need help getting back to normal life after a traumatic experience

Tagged as: Dating, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 December 2012) 8 Answers - (Newest, 6 December 2012)
A male United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Ok a long time (few years) ago I made out and got intimate (no oral/vaginal sex) with what I thought was a women but it was a mtf transsexual with full surgery. That was a traumatic experience for me and I have been depressed about it ever since. I feel incredibly dirty and tainted. I feel like women would be repulsed by me. How can I enjoy sex/intimacy again in my life? please no hateful responses, its unneeded I am just looking for advise.

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A male reader, JustHelpinAgain Canada +, writes (6 December 2012):

Stop beating yourself up. I just hope you werent too rude to the woman in question because that would not have been cool. She should have warned you first. I do understand the shock it must have been but underneath you are showing serious homophobic feelings. Just zoom out a bit and treat it as one of life's discoveries. We are all people,men and women, in all kinds of personal situations and we all have different friendship needs and relationships. No one should judge you on this and I am sure most women would have no issue with it. It is men you need to avoid telling. But I think you are focussing on this one event and blaming it for you bad feelings. Find new interests to concentrate on and make yourself happy to be you and work on your own selfconfidence. Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012):

OP if she's had the the full operation then she's a woman the exact same as any other. The same genitals, the same hormones and was a woman in the wrong body until she had that change.

I'd have no problem sleeping with or dating a woman like that. She's a woman the exact same as ny other only her "indifferent gonads" cells turned male when they were supposed to be female, something which she had to correct when she was older.

Op you do know we're all genderless the first few weeks of life right? That we can grow the genitals of either gender? Well it's a medical fact and common knowledge that not all men and women are born with the correct genitals that reflect their true gender.

When you met her and got with her she was 100% woman. She may have grown up physically as a boy but she was always a girl mentally and emotionally, her brain was female and when you met her body was too.

100% female. You got with a woman OP.

OP there is no such thing as a post OP transexual, that term needs to be removed. It's either a woman or a man after the OP. They're no longer transexual, they've been converted to their true gender.

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A male reader, wiseoldman United Kingdom +, writes (5 December 2012):

This is the equivalent of getting drunk and waking up with someone so unattractive that you feel disgusted with yourself. You're still hetero- had you known this person was a transsexual you wouldn't have been interested. Instead you were tricked by someone who was so dishonest as not to mention what should have been the first topic of conversation.

Above all, restrain yourself from . Violence for any reason than self-defence or the protection of your loved ones is a crime. Don't do anything so stupid as writing a letter to this creature as it will leave you open to blackmail and ridicule should it be used against you. Just find yourself a real woman (I use this term with no shame whatsoever- you've been deceived by an obscenely mutilated parody of femininity no matter what current 'wisdom' or fashionable belief may say) and move forward.

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A female reader, Atsweet1 United States +, writes (5 December 2012):

Atsweet1 agony auntWe all make mistakes you didnt know or did you it would be best to get therapy if you feel crossed about situation. I understand The issue of am I gay or bi or str8 cause it was same sex. Even though it was tampered with genAtilia.

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A female reader, Euphoric29 Germany +, writes (4 December 2012):

Dear male,

First of all, let me say I'm sorry about you feeling so bad after this and suffering from the event so much.

But from what it sounds you're completely confusing your own shame/repulsion/trauma with the opinion of others.

As a woman, I wouldn't feel repulsed by you, no matter if you had sex with a woman, a transsexual woman or a man - and you didn't even have sex, for that matter. We are all humans and why should this be such a bad thing? Maybe your attitude against transsexuals is a bit too negative here.

As aunt honesty said, maybe counselling is a good idea if after all this time you still find it so hard to move on with your love life. You really suffer now for a long time, so maybe this site can't provide the help you need.

What I do when I feel really hurt by someone and don't have the opportunity to talk to them or resolve the problem, I write them a letter and explain myself. I don't send the letter, but it still helps.

So why not sit down and write a letter to this transsexual woman? Explain to her why she traumatised you and why you feel tainted. Explain to her what you wished she would have done or said and why it's still bothering you. Tell her what you think about her transsexuality and about the way you met. Just let it out and maybe then you can get over it a bit better.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (4 December 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntI agree with Aunt Honesty.

for all intents and purposes the person you were with is female.

I think that some counseling to help you work through the issue might be in order.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (4 December 2012):

eyeswideopen agony auntIf you truly had no clue at the time then there's no reason you shouldn't just try to put it behind you. No woman in her right mind would be repulsed by you because of it. It was just a mistake. But I suggest next time you check for an adam's apple or lack there of.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (4 December 2012):

aunt honesty agony auntThere is nothing here that you should be ashamed about, you have done nothing wrong. This person made a full sex change and therefore I am guessing that that person felt like a woman both body and mind, and I think you need to learn to start thinking that way as well. This experience has not left you dirty or tainted, it is just in your mind because you are suffering from depression from it. You need to stop beating yourself up about it. Maybe the best way for you to move forward is to seek some counselling. I think you would benefit from talking about it and learning how to move forward from it. If you are scared about your sexual health in anyway then you can always go and get screening done as well to put your mind at ease in that sense also. But please go and talk to someone so you can move forward from this and live your life.

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