A
female
age
51-59,
*eggy
writes:When I was 20 I moved away from my home town in Florida, started a professional career in Texas. About 6 years ago, when I was home visiting my father in Florida, a guy I grew up with told me he's always had a crush on me and wished I would move back to Florida so we could be together. I had no plans to move back to Florida, but every time I have visited there, he and I hook up, usually have sex, he tries to talk me into moving back. Recently my father became ill, so I spent two months in Florida helping my father. During those two months, the guy and I got together frequently, and had fun and had sex. But I suspected he was still having sex with his old girlfriend as well as other women. When I went back to Texas, he admitted he HAD been seeing and sexing other women WHILE I WAS THERE! He also gave me a yeast infection (we did not use condoms). When I ask him why he cheated, he gets mad and tells me he doesn't need this interrogation, and refuses to talk about it. He assures me he loves me and wants me to move there and have a life together with him, and promises he will only be with me if I move there. I miss him and I'm lonely without him.Since my father's health is faltering, I am thinking of moving back there to help my father. Should I forget about this guy? Should I forgive him and try to work it out? The pain in my heart is constant, and I can't stop thinking about him. Thank you.
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male
reader, lakewgetachew  +, writes (21 July 2008):
my name is lakew frome ethoipia thank you frome you idea but you you miss him so that you don't forget him ok bceuse you miss him but if you see him another doing imean if him and him another friend do anthing forget him b/c he is realy bad . and finaly Take care
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 July 2008):
 Laura, you know him better than I ever could. You've dealt with him for a number of years now. If he really wanted to marry you, but before that, date you exclusively, wouldn't he have made that happen by now? He's talking a good game, but his actions don't seem to match his words, at least from what you've reported. As I said earlier, it's easy to say something, much harder to actually put things into action. This applies to him too.
Is he afraid of flying by any chance? Why hasn't he been to see you in Texas if he is so in love with you? This just does not compute.
Forgive me for suggesting a book again, sorry guys, here she goes again.
A Fine Romance, Judith Sills PhD. The passage of a relationship from meeting through courtship to marriage. It's been out there a while, it's very inexpensive bought used, and what could it hurt? It helped me get through the long-distance thing with my guy and helped me deal with some of the issues I seemed to keep repeating in relationships.
xxx
Tisha
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (20 July 2008):
 I have the impression that I'm not getting all of the information.
In my opinion, if he complained about your interrogation, then
a) you TWO have kept things at a casual level so far, so he's right in not wanting to hear you complain,
or
b) you had things at a casual level, now you want to fo further, and he sort of agrees but wants to have you by his side
or
c) what I thought I saw: you TWO had things at a casual level and he doesn't want to take them to any higher level.
What was happening? Do the thinking, and there's your answer.
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A
female
reader, leggy +, writes (20 July 2008):
leggy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Tish and Daniel! So when he says he wants us to be together forever, maybe even get married (my 2nd, his 1st), he's just saying what he thinks I want to hear? And when he says he's staying faithful to me, waiting for me to move there, that's just lies?
~Laura~
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 July 2008):
Leggy, don't give up hope just yet, I'm just suggesting that you give up hope on this one particular guy. It may be that your emotional connection to him is somehow interfering with meeting other men. They can pick up that you are not on some level really 'available', through subconscious clues and signals that you may be giving out.
Look, I married when I was 34, that's not too far off your age. And can I tell you that a good friend of mine who is now in her early 50s, had the same attitude that you did? And she is now into the second (or is it third?) year of a relationship with a great guy who loves her to bits. She had pretty much given up hope too. But she is a great woman, with a good career, fun to be with, a good cook, blah blah blah. So you haven't yet hit 40, right?
Think young, stay positive. I think it would be good for you to think about what Joseph Campbell said, 'follow your bliss.' What makes you happy, what activity so captivates your heart and mind that you lose yourself entirely in it? Go do that, figure out what it is and go sink yourself in the positive. Wallow in your own bliss (sorry for the hippopotamus style reference ;-) ). Give yourself permission to stop worrying about your father for a little while. It's okay, truly it is, he would want you to go and do the things you enjoy and to find what it is that will make you feel fulfilled and complete.
You have my permission to do that, I'm sure you don't need your father's permission! ;-)
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (20 July 2008):
From a man's perspective: just run for the hills. You can go to Florida if you need to take care of your father. Just don't move there for this guy, because, from his point of view, you're not in a relationship. You just have "good times" together.
Leave the man and be happy.
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A
female
reader, leggy +, writes (20 July 2008):
leggy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha, thank you again. You're awesome! I'm happy for you that your relationship worked out. Perhaps I am indeed meant to be alone, since I've been alone for so many years. I'll try to find that sense of peace I used to have about being alone, and focus on my father and his needs.
~Laura~
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 July 2008):
Thanks for the update. Sometimes it helps to have someone assess the situation and give you a reality check. It is easy for me to sit here and type an answer to you; it is much more difficult to think logically about your own situation if you have a lot of stressors. And it sounds to me like you do; your father is ill, you are living in a new town where you haven't met anyone, or have the prospect for a date, you have this guy you have feelings for treat you like he's just playing with your emotions. He honestly doesn't sound like a good match for you. He might be very charming and handsome and fun to be with, but I've known lots of men who are cheaters who are just that.
I really don't think that he is willing to put in the work necessary for a true relationship, a partnership, a bond between two people, to develop. He sounds like he's more interested in making sure his sexual needs are being met, and has a little bit of difficulty juggling multiple women. I would sincerely doubt that he would give up all the other women just because you move to town. Sorry for being so cynical, maybe I'm having a cynical day here, but you know, it just doesn't read well to me.
He's already coming up with excuses why he can't help you move. Um, can't drive a uhaul? Hellooo? I've driven a uhaul, not a big van, mind you, a smaller one. But you do what you need to do to support your partner and your relationship. He doesn't sound like he's going to be able to do that.
In fact, I think he's playing with your emotions, and that he is consciously doing this to keep you off balance. He will not discuss things with you, calls it an interrogation? He refers to the hot babes he's seen on the beach? He has unprotected sex with other women and passes around STDs like party favors?
EEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGHHHHHHH (that's the 'no' buzzer).
I'm sorry, I know you've known him for a very long time and that you find him attractive and fun. But you need to take off the rose-colored glasses right now, and look at him under the cold clinical light of rational thinking.
Do what you need to do to take care of your father; I expect your father has many friends and a life there that will be difficult for him to leave, but maybe you could explore having your dad move to where you are. Do you have any siblings that can help with him? And you didn't mention your mother, I guess she is out of the picture.
So difficult as it may be, take him out of the equation for now. I expect this won't be easy and he will be making contact with you and trying to muddy your thinking, but you need to think very logically and rationally about this, I know, easier said than done. Pretend you're reading this online on some agony aunt column, what would you say to the woman asking this question? I know you've got it in you to do what is best for you and your dad.
Here's a little resource that might help you deal with the constant pain in your heart. It's about breaking up, but it has many good suggestions for how to move through the day and how to cope with the feelings you're experiencing.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-get-over-your-ex.html
I'm feeling a bit mean about him right now, sorry if I couldn't wave the magic wand and give you a way to set it to rights with him.
I could be totally wrong about him, and he'll change and won't cheat and won't lie and will communicate if and when you move to Florida. But....I doubt it.
Take care, and be strong. Think strong, stay positive, focus on the important things right now.
xxx
Tisha
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A
female
reader, leggy +, writes (20 July 2008):
leggy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha-1, thank you so much for your insightful answer. You brought up points that I had actually thought about years ago, but I guess I'm not thinking too clearly now. Your answer was a reality check for me, thank you!
No, we've never been "committed" before now, but I told him when I left there a few weeks ago that if he wants me EVER in the future, he has to be committed right now. I was just so hurt that he was actually having sex with others while I was in town with him. I thought (hoped) he'd want to be with just me. In fact, one time when I went to his place, his ex-girlfriend was there. She was only "ex" since he broke up with her during my visit there, and she still has her bicycle and other stuff at his place. Another time I went to see him, he clearly had female company inside, and he would not answer the door when I knocked and knocked. Several years ago while I was there, he was living with a girl, and he'd cheat on her with me. Maybe once a cheater, always a cheater.
No, he has never been to Texas to see me. You're right, it does seem to expect me to do all the work in terms of relocating. I'm not even sure he'd come help me move - he keeps saying he doesn't know how to drive a U-Haul. When I talk to him on the phone, he tells me about all the cute babes on the beach that day, or that yes, he's still seeing his ex-girlfriend, just as friends he says. Maybe once a liar, always a liar.
I do want to make sure if I move there it's for my father, but there's some confusion clouding my judgment now. I'm waiting to find out if I got the job I applied for while I was there.
I moved to a new town out here one year ago, and I haven't dated or met anyone.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 July 2008):
Sorry to hear about your father, you have some tough decisions to make ahead of you.
Okay, help me out here. I'm just a little confused. Are you two in a long-distance committed relationship? Or do you two just 'hook up' when you're in Florida?
I ask because if you just see him when you happen to be in Florida, then he does actually have every right to see other women. If you two have committed to only be with one another, then well, yes, he's cheating. But from how you phrased your question, it sounds like you AND he have the right to see whom you choose.
What's not a great idea is to have sex without condoms, as you've so painfully learned. The pill prevents pregnancy, but not STDs. Right, lecture over.
I have to ask, if this man loves you so much and wants to be with you, why can't he consider moving to Texas? Has he ever been to see you there?
I don't know. This guy sounds like he's expecting you to do all the work in terms of the relocation. I think if he really wanted a relationship with you to work out, he'd be doing everything he could to make that happen. He sounds a bit lazy in this regard to me.
I was in a long-term, long-distance relationship for 2 years. It wasn't easy, but it worked because both of us were willing to put in the effort to make it work. And that means visiting each other, committing to each other, not dating other people, etc. It helped that both of us had lots of frequent flyer miles! Eventually, one partner has to make the sacrifice and move, if the relationship is to survive long-term. That's what happened with me, I moved and now am married to my guy. But HE put in the work I described and committed to me, as I did to him.
I would be very cautious about him at this point, and if you do relocate to Florida, do it for yourself and your father, not for him. Do you see the distinction there. Yes, being in Florida will make your relationship with him easier, but be prepared for him not being the man you think he is. I hope I'm wrong, but the way you talk about him doesn't make me hold out much hope, sorry.
Take care.
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