A
male
age
36-40,
*arloslhs
writes:I Really want a divorce, my wife doesnt. im still hurt and in love but i need to move --------------------------------------------------------------------------------First of all i want to say thank you for reading this and im begging you to please read it all and i know it can be really long but i will make a decision pending you answer, please please help me make this decision since i dont want to make the wrong decision. right now im marry im inside of me i want a divorce and the only thing stopping me is my heart. my body mind friends and family dont like her and never want to see her again, i contradict my self with my mind and heart. please help me make this decision for me.we and my wife have been married for 11 months now and its been the craziest rollercoster i have ever been in. i was working for an energy company when i met her and she was in very extreamly 6 year abuse relationship. first as a child she had the worst childhood any kid can have (you can only imagine) therefore she has very bad attitude problems, she has never been able to meet a good man since all of them including her dad has been very bad experiences. after she got hire she had a one night stand with one of the employees which i knew about after couple of months we started talking. the guy moved far away therefore i really didnt care. i wasnt looking for a realtionship just friendship. however we felt madly in love, really bad, that just weeks after we got married. which i knew it was my fault and i shouldnt havent done but we went crazy at it. im not your typical kind of guy, im good looking and what always been my best has been my attitude and charisma. people just like me because i guess im a good heart. and thats what she fell in love with. someone who genuine loved her. i always been really good lisener friend and husband i have provider and more anything than any person has ever done before. and the reason why is because of my love for her, it was pure... i just wanted to be the perfect husband posible since she never had no man like that. we started having problems from the begining after we got married, she started talking to her ex. to get her closure since we rush into marriage i agree to it. we always had fight about her ex. and actually broke up several times because of him. but she always find a way to get me back. it was so bad that just couple of months ago after i caugt her talking to him again. i find out that use to talk alot tho her call history. i mean she doesnt talk to him anymore and i know that for a fact. the problem is i can trust her because...she had lied to me so many times but so many times i actually have post what i post it couple of months ago i was the first hispanic person she ever dated too cuz she always dated caucasian folks. and she left him for me. since the day we been togueter we havent been apart. we had of fights here and there just like any other couple. and because i loved her so much i try to made her really happy which because she had a rough childhood and bad experian with man she never shown much afection or care. after 3 months she started acting weird and started gettin very apart as if nothing was never to good for her and always complainng. that she told me one day she started having dreams of her ex. and he has been contacting her. and that she need it her closure. one day she brought a book of pictures that was hers and her ex rings which made me really unconfortable but her excuse was that pictures ment alot to her and if she would lose them she would be devasted. i agreed cuz of my love towards her and tried to understand, well after a while she started talking to his ex' girlfriend suppusoly talkin but stuff about him which she find out that he cheated on her and got a girl pregnant and now he has herpes, which i found out odd. and we started fighting because of him. than she change her number so he wouldnt bother us. but some how he would always get her number. and i caught him txtin her several times. when we were 6 months marry she started acting really apart again, distant, we went from a very acting sex life to nothing. then one day tire of i confront her about it. and i saw a particular ring in her neck and i got really upset her excuse was that she kept dreaming about him and with those she didnt dream about him anymore. i couldnt take it anymore so i left. and after two days she wouldnt stop calling me, coming to my job and tried to get back with me that she had a reality check and didnt know how much she loved me until i left and at the time she wasnt sure were going to last becaus how different we were. at first i refuse but than i did cuz of my love she promise she was going to change and not talk to him anymore. which she kept the promise for a while. until 2 months ago she left her myspace on which i found that he send her his number. i didnt confront her at first until i got her phone and dial it. it was under her boss number. which she would always call and text cuz supposlty they were good friends!!! i left again because she broke her promise! but she tried to get me back and her excuse was that he was hasaing her and she wouldnt live us along unless she prove to him that i she loves me more and she swear to God that they only talk 5 times and that she kept both numbers with her. and that she was texting her boss. well the funny thing about is that she always pray that he would leaves along and us to work it out everytime we would go to church. and things were going great. but i always had that gut feeling that she has lie because her family will always tell her that she want him anyway. which it didnt make anysense but she use to tell me that is because they didnt know how much she loves me. the funny thing about is that she would always put her self on were shes right she is very possesive and has a bad attitude. and his number was blocked and everything but he already change numbers too which made me more insecure. last week i went to sprint and got her call history, she ofcouse lied again and it shows all the times were she calles him which it was around 5 to 6 times a day while i was at work or me sleeping it just very upseting i left again. but know her excuse is that all she talk about was me and the reason that she lied was to protecet me because she was scare to lose me again!!! i dnt know what to do. cuz i love her so much but im tire of it. please help me. i know she loves me i dnt dought that but she has lied alot and i want to work but im scare! now she wants me back again but i dnt know what to do! please help methis is wat happen on 2 months ago and as you can see im back again with her. and she has change and she is trying so hard for this marriage to work however last week told her i wanted to know anything that way there wouldnt be any secrets behind us... one of them was on her friends birthday they went to a strip club they use to go when they were single which i allowed her since it was her best friend and even i didnt wanted to i did let her go. she promise me she wouldnt do nothing and she told me she didnt. well she that one of the strippers she use to be cool with kiss her in the mouth and she slap him on the face, and she was force to be at stage because of peer presure. which it really hurt. but formost the one that hurt is she will always tell me im the best in bed that i always have that i make it better than her previous experiance. well she lied about that and came to find out im number 3, and she never told any complain about my size and im not small im actuallly at 6inch. which is average and she told me im the 2nd smallest one, just imagine all the toughts that came to my head. not only that she doesnt like oral at all but she told me she use to do it to her ex all the time even she didnt like it. the point is i love her but its getting bad. really bad the only thing is holding me back is my heart. and now i feel bad because for the past 2 months she has actually tried very very hard to make this marrieage work she really has and thats what hurts the most. i dnt want to brake her heart again by leaving her. i know she trully loves me know more then anything else but her past actions and lies had killed me know. even tho shes honest now i feel like is to late. please help me make this decision.. please. and again thank you for reading my storie i will make a decision upon ur replay
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at work, best friend, broke up, divorce, fell in love, her ex, her past, herpes, his ex, insecure, myspace, one night stand, sex life, stripper, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): this girl is no good. you will be better off making a clean break, once and for al.. there are many decent women around, you can easily find a true soul mate. time to call it quits once and for alll.
A
male
reader, Candleman +, writes (28 September 2009):
 Looking at what you've said, I would have a very hard time trusting this woman. She has been through one hell of a lot and the flaws you describe make me question her true love for you and her ability to accept the kind of love and life you offer. Having been through what she has been through, you offer something that is foreign to her. It feels good to her and she knows she should want it, but there is something inside of her that keeps pushing her back into her old ways. You are the opposite of everything she has ever had in her life. But, despite this, something lacks inside of her that draws her back to the ex. Draws her back to strip clubs and god knows what else. It becomes a pattern that though she fights it, still calls her. Then the question that remains is this. Is what you have to offer enough to fulfill this woman's needs? Or at the end of the day, are you really too good in her eyes for her to truely love you and live the type of life you want? I'm not talking just about sex. I'm talking about a general lifestyle with a group of people. Remember she said that she thought you two were too different to really make it work. This is what her struggle is. She has destroyed you with the lies, her rejection of your effort and love. Her being honest in regards to her sexual experience has also now made you feel insecure in yourself in something you didn't realize was there. You ending up falling in love with an ideal. An ideal that you can be the great hero who can make this beautiful woman, who has suffered so much, fall madly in love with you because you ended her suffering. But, the reality, what the mind is trying to process, is that this woman may never be able to truely love you and give you the life you desire. That she will always hurt you despite you pouring your all into it. The ideal is being broken. You say that she is really trying to make this work, but how can you be so sure based on her past? Your trust is completely broken and for very good reasons. The question you want to know is will she ever come around? Am I setting my self up for heartbreak after heartbreak? The cold truth is that the odds are not in your favor. People stay in lifestyles and with people that hurt all too often. It is especially hard for them to change if they remain close to people that share this lifestyle. In order for this relationship to work, then she has to change dramatically. You need to define what it is you want and make an agreement with her. Then, draw a line, if she betrays you again, then get the fuck out. You have so much to offer a woman that can appreciate and respond in kind to your love and effection. You will have to get over one hell of a heartbreak, and they are not fun. But, eventually you get over it. And, if this isn't the right girl, please understand that there will be a girl who appreciates and can respond in kind with all the good you have to offer. Through this question you have shown yourself to be kind, compassionate, loving, understanding, patient, considerate...the list is large. Don't loose this side of you. Someone will appreciate it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): Good advice from the two people before me. Either she's committed and your committed or your wasting each others time and lives. If she's REALLY trying to make it work, and you can forgive her, then give it another 3 to 4 months. However, if one of the two of you can't, call it off and get a divorce. If she can't stop she'll cheat on you and you'll loose all sense of self worth.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): this is not a question that we can answer. Only you can make this choice. I would say that if you see anything at all worth fighting for i would think seriously think about trying again. You have to both be committed to the marriage. Your marriage must be top priority for both of you. No more talking with the ex. No excuses. No more strip joints, none. And spend time together doing fun things. If you are not both willing to fight for it this marriage is over...because a good marriage is hard work. This choice can only be made by two people. You and your wife. I wish you the best sweetheart, Let us know how it goes.
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A
female
reader, sunnycomet  +, writes (28 September 2009):
 First of all you should make your decision based on what you want, not because of what strangers tell you on a advice site.
But I will give my advice to you.
She is NOT over her ex. Your wife is pining after her ex and even to go as far as wearing "the ring" around her neck. You shouldn't be with her when she still wants him and is lying about contacting him.
I must say that only after weeks of knowing/dating her you getting married to her was not a wise idea but you already know that.
My advice is to have a clean break. I know this will be hard but staying with her will only cause you pain. You are allowing her to go to strip clubs etc. You are accepting her cheating behavior. This has to stop. I'm afraid if you continue to be with her she will cheat on you with her ex if given the chance.
DO yourself a favor and get away from this hurtful relationship. You know what you want and if you feel bad about breaking her heart remembering that she broke yours many times and will continue to do so in the future.
She is not ready to commit and be in a relationship right now. I know you love her but by allowing her to continue like this will destroy you and she will continue to be in a unhealthy state.
Once you heal then you can find a steady women who will love only you. And don't marry anyone til you have been dating for at LEAST a year.
Good Luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): Wow, I read this and I could really feel your pain. I could feel all the bullshit and all the heartache. You put up with a lot and you have my congrats. I don't know if she is really changed like you said but I guess that isn't the issue anymore. To the end it sounds like you do not love her anymore. I have been in a similar situation and I stayed with her only to make her happy and it did not work out for me. I was not supportive and always mean/angry. I hated what I became. Eventually we broke up. I felt like a gutted fish. I should have ended it sooner. In any case I will say go for the divorce. It sounds like the only reason why you would stay with her is just to make her happy. It's up to you if you want to stay with her for some more time, maybe you will find love in her again. Or maybe it goes worse. I feel you are already set on divorcing her, and if I was your friend I would support your decision. I think some alone time can maybe heal your mind and heart again. About your wife, I understand she has had a hard past but I promise you I know people with worst pasts. But its not about the past....having a bad past isn't an excuse or a ticket to allow one to create unhappiness around them. It's up to her to change and the only one controlling her future is herself. I understand the both of you rushed into the marriage but that was bad decision, all of these issues would have sorted out, had you both not married. Having heard your side of the story, it would be a good idea to explain to her how you feel and what is bothering you. If you are willing and she is willing, maybe you can both overcome it. In all honesty if she ever "cheats" again, just get away from her as far as possible. Stop doing that to yourself. Good luck in what ever you choose. It would be a good idea to find some peace and quiet with a clear mind to make your decision about the divorce. Don't rush into it like your marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): Please just save yourself....your obviously putting yourself through hell to find a way to make this situation easier but sweetie it's a completely crap situation. you need to be brave and clame your life back. You only have one life so why ruin it trying to make some1 else to be happy. Be selfish...you have to be coz you can't rely on her best of luck in what you do
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (27 September 2009):
 If you can't stand the lies, and you can't stand the emotional infidelity; then its time to get out. But if the lies and infidelity stop, then its possible to save the marriage.
Let me say this much. When someone is dead-set on remaining a victim, like your wife has essentially decided for herself in the past -- no amount of love on your part will fix this.
The only person who can change your wife, is her. In order to do that, she has to dig deep down into her heart and decide for herself that she wants to change.
Though it looks like she has been trying to work on the marriage, she is probably not very happy inside and it may take a long time till she gets to that point.
And, all of this that she's doing now is so late in the day, that you're turned off by her but still love her.
Unless you can forgive her, and she can really show you that she's different and won't ever act the way she did in the past again, you probably will be unhappy in the near future. The distant future is another story.
However, if you're willing to give her this one more chance, then its possible it can work. But its going to take a great deal of work on her part to make the marriage last and you're going to have to help her to do that.
I wouldn't divorce just for the sake of that. But its truly your call. If you still love her, then its worth giving it the effort.
It really boils down to that. No one here will tell you to go get a divorce especially under these circumstances.
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