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I love my girlfriend but don't enjoy sex

Tagged as: Faded love, Gay relationships, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 August 2018) 4 Answers - (Newest, 7 August 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I'm in a relationship with another girl and have known her 2 years. I do love her but I don't enjoy having sex at all. I don't know if it's because I don't physically fancy her that much or because I can't be bothered to have sex. I find it boring and a chore. I love being with her but not in a sexual way. I do fancy other people and I am quite flirty but I wouldn't cheat. I feel confused.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (7 August 2018):

My question is this. Were you two friends first, who became lovers? Who decided to be girlfriends first?

I have been out on dates with some relatively attractive men. By the gay-standard, they were considered "hot!" I found them pleasing to the eye; but I was not physically-attracted to them. No connection! Of course, when they saw there wasn't going to be any play; they simply lost interest, and I've never heard from them again. We may cross-paths, shop the same shops; but nobody brings-up brunch or a lunch-date. I'm polite, not phony. So I'll speak. If you roll your eyes and look-away, I'm cool!

Here's what I speculate happened; and pardon me, if I judge you by your age. Young gay-people, as we are growing-up; usually don't know any other gay people. Even if they come-out at a very young age, and endure the teasing and phobia; the larger number stay hidden. That's due to their parent's disapproval, religious-teaching, maybe they go to a mean school; or they are very shy, and fly below the radar(me).

You might grow-up in a tiny village, and feel like the only gay person on the planet.

Like any other virgin who has never had a sexual-experience; a young gay-person can't wait until they can find someone to love them. That first gay-romance! They/we want romance like any other teen; but they hope to find someone gay like they are. That could take a very long time. None of the "out" gay people they know have anything to do with them. They already have a girlfriend, or boyfriend. Maybe they're too stuck-up or popular. Or, they're kind of gross; and not really what we fantasize about.

They/we want to be free to be themselves/ourselves; and be with someone with whom they/we can share those feelings. It happens whether you're gay or straight; but the first person you meet and really get along with, you'll like them to pieces. They'll make-out with you, or have sex; and instantly, that becomes a love-connection. The joke is lesbians move-in the same night; and introduce their cats! That's not nice, but it's funny! Gay men have sex first, then ask each others names! That's not nice either, but it's true! Just kidding, don't troll me!

Sometimes both are smitten, or one is more smitten than the other. The teen-concept of puppy-love. More in-love with being in-love. A trial-relationship just to see what it feels like. A chance to exchange valentines and say "I love you" to each other. You can actually have sex, whenever you want to! "The first" of everything. Even if not the first; we'll call it the "first real-one!"

In these instantaneous love-affairs, somebody wakes-up! They don't feel that heat anymore. Young people often use the word "love" very loosely. Love is a very deep, confusing, and extraordinarily complex emotion. It comes in different types. Love for a family member, your parents, a friend, a cat, your siblings, a next-door neighbor, or grandma. The youthful-interpretation of love is usually more in a different context. Of lesser-degree. They really mean a deep fondness, sexual-attraction due to raging-hormones, infatuation, or a hopeless crush. We say we "love" chocolate. Chocolate can't love you back. It's an inanimate object.

You met another gay-girl. They don't always show-up on every street-corner. You find one that looks your way, and you establish a connection. You have sex, and that must mean we love each other. We feel jealous if one of us flirts with somebody else. That's not love. It's insecurity or possessiveness. Why can't we breakup? A fear of abandonment, or loneliness? Maybe something more sinister, like a feeling of ownership of property. Our love-slave!

It takes time and experience to sort these emotions out; because it was hard enough figuring-out what gay means. All our parents had to say about it was you'd go to hell, or people like that are pervs! So we are left to figure-out these weird feelings on our own. What is love supposed to feel like, and how do you know it's love? With maturity, experience, and common-sense; love will define itself, and you won't have much trouble knowing when you've found it.

We get posts from 13 year-old girls calling themselves gay. What would a prepubescent-child know about that? Then suddenly, they find themselves liking boys! Oh-oh!

I don't think you are attracted to your girlfriend. It was a crush that you followed-up on. If you're not sexually-attracted to a person, the sex is a chore. In time, it becomes repulsive. Although our mate may be quite attractive, and can even love them, but not enjoy sex with them. If you are not truly in-love, the sex is awkward and mechanical. Done to please them, and not yourself. Many straight-marriages are joined on that premise.

It is now time to let her know. The relationship has run its course. You should not be leading her on. You will hurt her feelings, you'll feel terrible, and she will find somebody else. At your age, you get-over breakups pretty quickly. Especially gay-people. It's the jealousy and possessiveness that takes time to get past. You'll rebound like nobody's business. I'm gay, and I'm wise. I know these things!

She may not want to ever see you again. You can't keep faking it. Be true to yourself, and be true to her.

You've come-up with some outlandish reason; "you just don't like sex." You don't like sex with HER! I will not waste time debating that "asexual" issue. I've seen little scientific-evidence, and mostly anecdotal testimonies. Little research is done on it, because it's difficult to prove in young people. As we get old, we lose sex-drive anyway. The scientific community defines it as some sort of dysfunction. The cause? To be determined.

Keep holding on under false-pretense. Just because you won't cheat now; doesn't mean you won't when the right girl, or guy, comes along. Somebody who does trigger that spark!

Lets just wait and see!

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (6 August 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntDid you ever fancy her? Are you attracted to her, just not sexually?

Have you been intimate with others?

Are you still questioning your sexuality?

Have you tried spicing things up?

Can you imagine wanting to have sex or do you feel sex in general is just a chore most of the time?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (6 August 2018):

Honeypie agony auntIs she your first sexual partner? Or your first same sex sexual partner?

Not feeling aroused by your partner, feeling sex is a chore is not good.

Has sex with your partner(s) NEVER sexually satisfied you?

Because that CAN be part of the reason why you equate sex with chore/boring. Even though many (especially women) can STILL VERY much enjoy the intimacy that sex brings to a relationship - regardless of "sexual satisfaction" or not.

You say it yourself, you love being with her... but not sexually. Which seems more like a friendships than a relationship.

And the fact that "other people" (does that mean both men and women?) seems to illicit a response in you, does seem to indicate that you are NOT asexual overall, but simply just not sexually attracted to your partner.

So what do you do?

Well, you HAVE to be honest with your GF. If she is OK with a non-sexual relationship it could work, but only temporarily as at some point EITHER of you WOULD WANT to try sex or meet someone you ARE sexually attracted to.

Can be that the relationship you have just isn't what you REALLY want.

You call yourself "quite flirty" with other people. Which you seem to enjoy until you realize that someone in a relationship shouldn't really DO that. Because it can be seen as inappropriate and maybe even hurtful.

So in short, you need to talk to your GF and figure out where to go from here.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (6 August 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntHas you NEVER fancied her, or is this something which has developed with time? If the former, then it sounds like, much as you enjoy her companionship and friendship, the sexual chemistry just isn't there. It is little wonder you "can't be bothered".

If the latter, then perhaps this relationship has just run its course and it is time for you two to move on and find partners who WANT to have sex with you. Or the other alternative is to make a concerted effort to work on your sex life (with or without outside help). It depends on whether you see any hope for it or whether you think it will be pointless. Or is it because the sex is unsatisfying for you? Have you discussed with her what you NEED to enjoy sex?

I notice you make a point of saying you fancy other "people" (i.e. no gender specified). Are you perhaps still questioning your sexuality? If so, you need to be honest and, if you feel there is something lacking in your relationship which cannot be fixed, then make a clean break and look for what you need to make you happy.

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