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Can I fool this new guy into thining I'm not a virgin?

Tagged as: Dating, Online dating, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 August 2018) 21 Answers - (Newest, 1 October 2018)
A female United States age 26-29, *hlle writes:

Hello!

I met a man online. We have been talking for three months on an dating app. We’ve clicked and have a lot in common.

The conversation of us being intimate has come up. However, I don’t want to tell him I am a virgin, I’m 26 and he is 22. In our conversations, he just assumes that I am sexually experienced - since most people are at 26. I’ve never corrected him.

I guess my question is, when the time comes, can I fool him into thinking I’m not a virgin? Or is there a way to make my myself more comfortable.

I am not going to tell him as my experience in the past has shown me that guys don’t find virginity attractive. I am not telling him I am a virgin.

Should I tell him I’ve only been with one other guy?

One of my friends advised me to use a dildo, so my body is prepared to know what it feels like.

Can I have my OBGYN break my hymen to make the experience less painful?

View related questions: dildo, hymen, my ex

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A female reader, chlle  United States +, writes (1 October 2018):

chlle is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I guess

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (27 September 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntYou lucky woman! At least you dodged a bullet :) Hold your head high, continue being honest and find someone who doesn't care whether or not you're a virgin, but wants the same casual sex you do.

All I would say, is whilst "clingy" is the wrong word, you never know how attached you'll get when hooking up, even if you go into it thinking you're devoid of emotional attachment. So be careful, make boundaries clear BEFORE sex and be prepared to move on if you start developing feelings.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (27 September 2018):

A group of angels encircled and protected you; until you come to your senses!

"Virgins are clingy"...maybe I should write that down in my book of "The Most Ridiculous Asinine Generalizations I've Ever Heard!!!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (27 September 2018):

Honeypie agony auntYou know what that means OP?

That you didn't have your first time with an idiot.

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A female reader, chlle  United States +, writes (27 September 2018):

chlle is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I took all of your advice! I was honest with him and told him I was a virgin just looking for casual sex and some fun. He told me he doesn’t date virgins “as their too clingy and no fun in bed”. I haven’t heard from him since :(

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (13 August 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntFor most people, particularly with their first experiences, sex is better when dating someone or having a good connection and deep trust. You don’t care about that? I have no issue with casual sex, but I’d always advise your first time being with someone you’re dating or in a relationship with, solely because it’s generally safer and more satisfying - both physically and emotionally, regardless of whether you put any value on virginity or not.

If you don’t want that, that’s fine, but it’s rarely the right or best decision for people - that’s what we’re on about.

As long as you clearly say to him “I’m a virgin who just wants casual sex”, then you’re all set. It’s best to at least be exclusively seeing each other, though, to avoid a higher risk of STDs.

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A female reader, chlle  United States +, writes (12 August 2018):

chlle is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I didn’t mean to come off as having an attitude problem. I guess I was surprised at people assuming that I’ve never been to an OBGYN or that I’m not on birth control. I was also surprised that people were assuming I wanted to have a relationship / date this guy. I just wanted to make clear that I only want him for sex and nothing more. That’s why I wrote my first response. Didn’t mean to come off as rude :)

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (11 August 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntWe told you. Don’t lie, be upfront and, when you’re ready, you’ll be relaxed enough. If you’re scared of it hurting, you’re not ready. If you’re not relaxed, you’re not ready.

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A female reader, chlle  United States +, writes (10 August 2018):

chlle is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hello again! I just came here asking for advice on how to make myself more comfortable during my first time having sex. That’s all :)

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A female reader, chlle  United States +, writes (10 August 2018):

chlle is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hello again! I just came here asking for advice on how to make myself more comfortable during my first time having sex. That’s all :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2018):

I came here to ask advice on how to make myself more comfortable during sex :)

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (8 August 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntYou seem to have a real attitude problem. Anyway, yes, you should just straight up tell him you're a virgin looking to have sex with someone. He needs to know you're not after a relationship or dating, whether you tell him you're a virgin or not.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (8 August 2018):

What did you come here for? You've already made up your mind! You just want to have sex. So do it!

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A female reader, chlle  United States +, writes (7 August 2018):

chlle is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for the responses! Firstly, I’m not interested in what men want or what they care about. I just know know what I want, which is sex. I’m just using this guy for sex.

Secondly, my culture doesn’t demand that I stay a virgin for marriage. It’s a choice for women to make for themselves. I personally don’t want to stay a virgin until marriage.

I don’t really care if people think of me as innocent and pure. Quite frankly, I don’t want to be thought of as innocent and pure like I’m a toddler.

I have been examined by an OBGYN before (3X) and I’ve been on birth control since I was 24.

The guy I am talking to now isn’t opposed to me being a virgin. He doesn’t know. Based on my past experiences with guys, I don’t want to have to explain to him why I’m a virgin and I don’t like when guys treat me like I’m a glass doll for simply being a virgin.

I was planning to meet him and then after a couple meetings we would have sex.

TBH, I don’t want to be courted by him, date him or be his girlfriend. I just want to have sex with him.

Should I just be honest with him and tell him I am a virgin who is just looking for someone to have sex with?

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A female reader, chlle  United States +, writes (7 August 2018):

chlle is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for the responses! Firstly, I’m not interested in what men want or what they care about. I just know know what I want, which is sex. I’m just using this guy for sex.

Secondly, my culture doesn’t demand that I stay a virgin for marriage. It’s a choice for women to make for themselves. I personally don’t want to stay a virgin until marriage.

I don’t really care if people think of me as innocent and pure. Quite frankly, I don’t want to be thought of as innocent and pure like I’m a toddler.

I have been examined by an OBGYN before (3X) and I’ve been on birth control since I was 24.

The guy I am talking to now isn’t opposed to me being a virgin. He doesn’t know. Based on my past experiences with guys, I don’t want to have to explain to him why I’m a virgin and I don’t like when guys treat me like I’m a glass doll for simply being a virgin.

I was planning to meet him and then after a couple meetings we would have sex.

TBH, I don’t want to be courted by him, date him or be his girlfriend. I just want to have sex with him.

Should I just be honest with him and tell him I am a virgin who is just looking for someone to have sex with?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (7 August 2018):

Wow! You have never even met, and you're freaked-out about your virginity? Are you only going to meet for a hookup?

If you are not sexually-experienced; you had better slow your roll! In-fact, this guy is a total stranger you've only exchanged messages with. Even if you video-chatted tons of times; you have never met in-person! You had better make sure you know what and whom you're dealing with! If all you have ever seen of him is a few pics; he could be some fat 60 year-old bald-guy with warts and a pot-belly! Meanwhile, you've gone and deflowered yourself like you've lost your freaking mind!

I see a disaster on the horizon. You are going out of your way for this guy. Once he has boinked you; that could be the last you'll ever hear from him!

What's-up with all this virgin-hysteria over what guys might think about an intact-hymen! I will put that in the category of stupid mythology. Sorry for the use of the term; but there's lack of something better.

You have a mind and an entire body!!! You're not a walking vagina! Do you really think that all men see or want is that? Just because you like him, and he has a penis; you must instantly give it to him? You don't have a clue about men; but you're putting yourself all-out for one! My goodness!

Have I been living in an alternate universe?

Where are all these guys terrified or spooked by virgins?

Virginity IS NOT an extra-eye in the middle of your forehead! All it means is that you've never had penetrative vaginal-sex before. You still could have done other things!

Lady-friend, you are heading for problems big-time! Your naive little head is soooooo on backwards! You are totally concerned about all the wrong things.

The guy could be infected with HIV or herpes, have a wife or girlfriend; and your concern is how he will react to you being a virgin?!! You're going to have your hymen pierced for the sake of a guy you've never met??? Based on some unsubstantiated myth about men and virgins!!!

What is true, is if your culture/religion demands you to be one upon marriage. Your groom is expecting you to be one. I would love to be a fly on the wall and hear the explanation: "I was, but I dildoed myself so guys wouldn't be freaked-out about me being a virgin!" If that comes across as utterly ridiculous? You're right! If you are, you are! Deal with it!

Girlfriend...seriously?!! You have terrible friends, if they have not tried to talk some sense into you! They also envy your innocence and purity. They would probably give you bad advice just to see you run into a brick-wall at full-speed, with your head on backwards! They are also making fun of your naivete. They would love to see you do something foolish; then chatter and giggle behind your back!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2018):

Have you ever used a tampon? If you have, then you have no hymen anyway. I was never aware of my hymen being broken when I first had sex. I was nineteen and so probably didn't have one by then anyway.

Also I remember having sex when I was in my late thirties with a man I had only just met. I was travelling and met this man I really liked and we clicked and got on and I really fancied him. I had never had casual sex in my life before, but thought that as a life experience I would have casual sex with him. A two night stand as it turned out. We both knew I was moving on to the next place soon. I found the sex uncomfortable and I didn't climax. I enjoyed being with him and I don't regret it, but just because I'd had sex numerous times before, didn't mean that all the sex I had after my first time would be plain sailing. It depends who you're with and how relaxed you feel. I don't think the man I had sex with thought I was a virgin, just because it didn't go that well.

I'm just trying to say, that I think you're overthinking this whole thing.

You are who you are. A lot of men would love to find a lady who is still a virgin, a lot of men may not care one way or the other, but if a man you are thinking of having sex with objects that you are a virgin, then he is only looking at you as someone to hook up with and not as a person.

I have a friend who didn't have sex until she was 38. She went out with a man she really liked and had sex with him. He did not mind one bit that she was a virgin. Why would he?

Is this man you're meeting SO perfect? I wonder if he has worries about himself?

I have an STD and I go through torment when I meet someone I like, because I have no idea if I'm going to be rejected or not. While we're flirting and going out and the attraction is there, I always have to hold part of myself back, because until we get to the point where sex in imminent and I feel I trust him enough to tell him, I too, am scared of getting hurt. And I have to tell him. And I hate it. I feel dirty almost and worthless. But I have to do it. And do you know what?

I have never been rejected because of it. The second man I told who wanted to marry me very early on, couldn't have cared less. He didn't even care if he caught it, because he never wanted to be with anyone else. Another man I had to tell, didn't really bat an eye and we were together for five years. The other two were relationships that lasted a couple of years each and they were understanding and it didn't affect the way they felt about me.

So, if this man, or any man who turns out to your first sexual partner minds that you're a virgin, firstly I would be very surprised and secondly I would say that he's not the man for you. Why? Because if he really likes you, he won't care. And if he turns out to be that shallow, he's not worth it anyway.

You have not even met this man yet. Has there been any discussion about meeting up? Because this talk about being intimate may only be him hoping to get his rocks off whilst talking to you online. Do not get into sex talk with him and don't disclose anything personal about yourself until you have met him a few times and feel you can trust him. And of course, you don't know until you meet whether there's any sexual chemistry there at all anyway!

Take care OP and relax. See how the meeting with this man goes. You may not want sex with each other. And don't be in too much of a hurry to find out either. He will need to be understanding of women and gentle with you and you will need to trust him. First time sex isn't always painful at all. And if you're relaxed and enjoying yourself and he is patient and enjoys foreplay, there's no rush and no discomfort. We all went through it and it's not that bad! With a good and caring partner it's great in fact! So choose wisely OP. That's what's important.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (6 August 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntOP, you barely know each other. Stop rushing into thinking about sex when you haven't met yet.

For starters, your hymen might already have broken - exercise, tampons, an injury, masturbation, etc. can all break it.

Secondly, most 22 year old guys aren't as mature as most 26 year old women. That may mean you're incompatible in person.

Intimacy conversations shouldn't come up before meeting. If they have, as youve said, it sounds like you'll just be a hook up, nothing more - which is often pretty crappy for your first experience of sex.

Also, you're an adult thinking about having sex. Don't consider tricking or lying by omission because that's what immature people do, not grown women who are thinking about having sex. Intimacy is something that people need to be 100% open and honest about - if you can't be, you're not ready.

As for relaxing, you're getting ahead of yourself. How will you relax enough if you haven't even dated in person for a little while first?

Sex can hurt, whether it's your first or hundredth time. That's why trust, honesty, communication and mutual connection (IN PERSON) is so important to having safe, relaxed sex.

Your priorities are mixed up, OP.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (6 August 2018):

Tisha-1 agony auntObviously the thought of having penetrative sex is concerning to you.

You ask if your doctor could “break” your hymen to make it more comfortable. Have you actually been examined by an OBGYN?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (6 August 2018):

Honeypie agony auntGood Lord, OP

If you are serious about this guy, do you really think starting off by LYING to him (by omission but regardless...).

Dildos and "breaking" the hymen... it's... a BIT OTT!

First of all you might not HAVE a intact hymen. And secondly inserting things won't prepare you for REAL actual sexual intercourse with someone you CARE for. Sex isn't just penis in vagina.

Secondly... honey, you are 26... Time to educate yourself about sex. And definitely... think about birth control as well.

BUT you haven't even MET this guy in person. Who knows... if you will even feel sexually attracted to him?!

You are WAY ahead of yourself here.

Go slow. There is no fire, not hurry.

And I agree with YCBS, if he is so opposed to virgins then he really isn't into you. Being virgin is NOT that big of a deal, all it means is that you have NOT sexual experience... YET. So what? How are you going to fake experience?

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (6 August 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntDo you not think your first priority should be to meet this guy in person and find out if you still get on? Or are you just planning on meeting up with him to have sex? And are you really that desperate that you are willing to lie about something so fundamental just so he is not spooked?

If he truly cares for you, he will not be spooked by you being a virgin and neither will you need to lie to him. You can do all you want with a dildo or anything else but it will still not prepare you fully for "the real thing".

I think you need to realize you are actually worth more than just meeting someone for sex.

And I am pretty sure you have posted before and got similar answers.

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