A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok, a little back story of my ex and I. We practically grew up together starting from middle. We were best friends and soon gravitated to being something more. We've been through a lot together and could never really let eachother completely go. She was even my fiance at one point in time. I mean engaged, wedding plans and even a sappy proposal in an extoic location. Long story short, she cheated on me when she was "drunk" and I decided that I couldn't trust her anymore. We split up but we still talk now and then about stuff. Nothing too personal or anything like that, just everyday regular stuff. The problem is that my now gf thinks that my ex is trying to get me back. I don't blame her because my ex has made hints that she misses what we had and wish that everything could be like it was. I always politely turn her down and say that I'm in love with someone else. She accepts it and drops the conversation. I really am in love with my gf and I could never see me going back to my ex. I still love her as a friend but I just can't feel the passion I once did before. My gf doesn't like that I talk to her at all and wants me to drop her completely. It's hard for me to do that because even though I'm not in love with her anymore, we have so much history together. History that isn't always about romance. I know all of her family members and they treat me like one of their own. We went through a lot together. Hospitals, fairs, depression, suicidal attempts, family deaths, everyday problems, rejection in school, so much. It's hard to imagine leaving her behind and never looking back. I can understand how my gf feels but should I really give up my ex and all of our history?My ex feels more like family now rather than a love interest. Our friendship is ten years in the making. What should I do?
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male
reader, Bob Loblaw +, writes (16 August 2012):
Good luck to you then. I know it's not an easy thing, and I feel for you. But I think in time you'll see that this is the best approach. You're not giving up on the friendship with the EX, you're just storing it away for a while until you both can have the space you need to grow separately.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for your opinions. In reading them, I have realised that I have been a little selfish. It is true that I do love my girlfriend but I was jeapordizing my relationship with her for a girl that betrayed my trust. My girlfriend did say that she trusted me completely but it's my ex that she doesn't trust. She's afraid one day, whether at a party or somewhere, the same fate that took my ex away from me will take me away from her. She just deosn't want to take a chance. I understand where she's coming from. I'll let my ex know that inless she can find someone that will claim her heart, I just can't be friends with her because it's hurting my relationship. To Bob Loblaw, we only talk like once every week or two. It's not to the point where she's blowing up my phone or anything like that. She would usually call to check up on me or ask how everything is going. My girlfriend knows of these calls. I'm usually with her when she calls. I figured it's best that way so she can trust me. It will be hard letting go but it's for the best. Thank you all for your advise. I rated everyone's answers.
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A
male
reader, Bob Loblaw +, writes (15 August 2012):
When you say you still talk to your ex "now and then", it's hard to know what you really mean by that. How often is it? A couple times a month? Once a week? Twice a week?If the situation was one where it was clear to both you and your EX that you'd both moved on, then I'd say it would be fine for you to stay in touch with her and her family, and that it wasn't fair for your current GF to jealous of that. But when you say that your EX continues to drop hints about being interested in you, then you continuing to communicate as often as once a week or even once a month is probably too often, and that you really need to put some distance between you and the EX. Your current GF shouldn't have to constantly wonder whether you are dangling yourself as a carrot to your EX and keeping her as a "backup plan", and the more often you keep in touch with her, the harder you are making it on your current relationship.I know, it doesn't seem fair for you to have to choose like this, given all the history you and your EX have. Believe me, I understand. But this is the kind of thing in life where you may have to make a hard choice, and just accept that you and your EX have to move on with your lives, separately. Until you can know for sure that your EX is romantically over you (and maybe if she can find herself a new guy, you'll know), then you're not doing your current GF any favors here.Keep your EX at arms' length, and chat with her maybe just once a month, or even less than that going forward. Any more often than that is just bad news, man, and not fair to your GF. If your EX is really as good a friend to you as you think she is, she should understand.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): Once the red line is crossed there is no turning back. Family members are not ex-lovers, unless you live in Kentucky (bad joke). I'd cut her off for good.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (14 August 2012):
 To you she is family, but to her you are still a love interest. It's precisely BECAUSE you have so much history that you need to cut her out. Even if you don't have sexual feelings, you have emotional ones and those can be just as damaging.
The way your girlfriend sees it, there's unfinished business here and your ex wants to finish it. To you there's no threat, but your girlfriend can't be inside your head. So that doubt will always be there.
If you are serious about your current girlfriend you have to cut your ex out.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 August 2012):
 Honestly I don't blame your GF, this ex is someone you share SO much romantic history. And the ex keeps hinting about her feelings for you.. It's NOT over for the ex. And THAT is just DRAMA waiting to happen.
I know it comes down to trust, but having to deal with a ex butting in, trying to win ones BF back, that is just a buzz killer and honestly drama that most people can do without.
So IMHO til your EX can be a friend and NOT want to win you back I think you need to step away. MAYBE once she actually moves on with someone else, friendship might.. be possible.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (14 August 2012):
 I'm sure most people will say your girlfriend is being unreasonable but I agree with her. I don't think anyone in a relationship should remain friends with an ex, no matter how long you knew them. Especially one who still eludes that she wants you to be together. My husband was also friends with his ex for 8+ years. After attempting to deal with it I realized I couldn't and he basically had to choose, her or me. I think you will have to do the same.
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