A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:The man I love with who Ive been off and on (not because we argued all the time, just because he has not been ready for a relationship because of many aspects of his life).1- When I say he's not ready for a relationship is because he isn't financially stable (now this is not a problem for me but I know his ego is hurt by this and this is one aspect of his life he wants to change)2- he refuses to commit because he likes playing the field3- He's having problems at work with his performance and has been stressed by it greatly in the past few weeks so much that he felt the need to take a step back to do some soul searching.I have known him for 3 years and love him deeply despite all of the above and have remained by his side through it all and much more.I agreed 2 weeks ago to give him some space in order for him to do some soul searching and get on his feet without adding stress on him.Yesterday, he posted pictures on social media of him and a girl 16 years younger than him (He's 42) and he is acting like they are officially in a relationship.I'm a totally devastated because he knows how I feel about him and we had talked about taking the next step. I have remained silent since yesterday because I do not know how to handle this. I LOVE HIM and I know that most of you are going to say to just move on and forget about him but I'm honestly looking for more objective answers. My call on this is that he's going through a midlife crisis and after reflecting on his life, he's feeling like a failure (he posted a few things in the last 2 weeks suggesting of the pain he's feeling). I honestly believe that by saying on social media that he is a happy relationship, it's going to reflect on his friends as if he has his life in order which in reality isn't the case. Furthermore he's with a younger woman so he can become the envy of his friends (Although not very mature, that's the way he's thinking right now).I love him still and want him in my life but have come to the realization that for now I have to let him hit rock bottom and pray that he finds his way back to my heart..hopefully soon enough.Any input would be appreciated especially if you have gone through similar situations. Please remain objective in your answers despite the circumstances.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe part of him saying he is committed to that 26 years old woman is a joke because he's still very much active on dating websites therefore I know he is just putting a band-aid on his current circumstances instead of facing the mirror, remaining single for a while and working on himself. His decision for space has nothing to do with me. He's doing to his closest friends as well.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 April 2013):
 Dear OP,
I have read your original post and the answers and your follow up. I am far from bitter. I am one of those people that keeps trying no matter what. I’m not prize myself. I am currently married to my fourth husband. I am his first wife. He is 39 now (and that’s important) and I am older (53 now). My husband is NO Prize either. But that’s ok. Let me address your follow up first.
You are in love with this man. So you say. Are you in love with him as he currently is (not committing to you, being financially unstable, being with someone else, issues at work, and ignoring you) or are you in love with WHO he was in the beginning or worse who you want him to be or think he can be? It’s very easy for women who have invested a lot of time and energy into a man and a relationship to love the man as they THINK he can be or as they WANT him to be but they look the other way at who he really currently is. So I ask, are you in love with him AS HE CURRENTLY IS or are you in love with WHAT YOU WANT HIM TO BE?
I think you are being very realistic about things. YOU are in love, he is not. You are correct, it does not look promising for you. You are willing to let go and let God. For how long are you willing to do this? I suggest that you eventually give yourself a time frame to get over this. I understand if the statement is “I’m waiting as long as I can” Sadly I fear that it will limit you from meeting new people and allowing you to prepare for the possibility of moving on.
I do not think he’s a bad man. I don’t think anyone said he was a bad man, You say he’s just lost himself. From where? From what? And you hope he will come to his senses soon… What would that be? To dump the girl he’s currently having a relationship with and come back to you? More than likely the 26 yr old will tire of him before he’s done with her, and then he’ll come back to you… will you accept him on his terms again?
Now I will address your original post:
1. He is not ready for a relationship because he is not financially stable. If it’s not an issue for you, but it is for him, then he would do everything to change this. Yes men are tied to their jobs and it helps them define who they are. But if he is working and making even a semi-decent living, then his financial stability is probably due to errors made by him. Does he overspend? Is he under-employed? How does HE contribute to the financial instability? FWIW, I make 37,500 a year MORE than my husband and will always earn more than him. It does not mean he’s less of a man, just that I am very lucky to have a great job with great benefits and longevity. It affords him the ability to keep looking for a job that makes him happier than the one he currently has. In addition, my first husband married me while unemployed. Yes we were young, but we also knew taking a risk was worth it.
2. He refuses to commit because he likes to play the field. OH dear. He left off the important part here. He refuses to commit TO YOU. Has he currently committed to the 26 yr old? Why is he magically able to commit to her and was not able to commit to you? Remember I said I am married to a man who got married for the first time at age 39? When I met him, he told me “I don’t believe in marriage” and I was fine with that. He said he would never get married. I was fine with that. I did not want to get married again. I had been married 3 times already. Guess who wanted us to get married… right HIM. WHY? Why would a man who did not believe in marriage want to get married? Because he fell in love. For the first time. Because he finally met someone he knew he wanted to spend his life with. Same for our friends who just got married in September first time for both she is 40 and he’s 52. Folks who say they don’t want to commit are leaving out the part that says they don’t want to commit to YOU. It’s hard to see that and accept it, but sadly it’s true more often than not.
3. Problems at work lead him to step back from a romantic relationship and do some soul searching? For me, and anyone I’ve ever been seriously involved with, when work stress gets high, they want to be with their significant other to help work out the issues and help relieve the stress. Wanting to step back from a relationship when work is stressful is not a great sign on commitment to the relationship. It shows they don’t find the relationship or the person in the relationship supportive for their needs. This is not to say you are not supportive to him, just that he does not see you as supportive in the way he wants or needs. This is not a reflection of you at all.
So two weeks ago you agreed to go NO Contact and give him space for him to do some “soul searching” and get on his feet without adding stress to him. I can’t see how being a supportive loving girlfriend adds stress but I’m sure he had decent reasons. How long did you two agree to go NO CONTACT for? Was this his choice? Did you have any say in it?
So now, two weeks after him going NO contact, after 3 years of him wanting to play the field and refusing to commit, he posts a picture on social media announcing to the entire world that he has a girlfriend and they are officially in a relationship and he is committed to her. OUCH that hurts doesn’t it. And yet you still don’t’ want to face the truth.
I know how devastated you must feel. and how shocked and hurt you are. You say you two had talked about the next step…. Who talked and who agreed? Who said what? Did you talk and he just kind of went along for the ride or did he bring it up? Are you listening to his words or his actions? It’s very confusing for us, when they say things that don’t match their actions, we have to listen to their actions and ignore the words. Except in the case of them saying “I don’t want a relationship” because that means “I don’t want a relationship WITH YOU” and we just don’t’ want to hear that do we?
I won’t tell you to move on. I am being objective and not bitter.
He may be going through a midlife crisis. He may be feeling like a failure. YOU do not know what he is feeling. You can only assume and hope. You can look at his actions and try to slot them into scenarios that work for your needs.
You think that him saying he’s in a relationship with a younger woman is for the benefit of his friends? IF you must think that, then so be it.
Now you say that you still love him (as he currently is right, not loving what you want him to be but loving and accepting him where he currently is which means, he will not commit to you, he is seeing other women and he’s making excuses for why he can’t be with you—this is the man you love). And if you love him exactly where he is, then you love him and nothing we can say or do will change that.
So I think you are hoping if you let him go, and he hits bottom he will come back to you. So you are willing to take a man who is at the bottom of the barrel and has no hope, no joy, no self-esteem, no anything to offer you. You are willing to take back a man who wants NOT YOU but others, but if he hits bottom will settle for you. YOU are willing to take him back once he has exhausted all other avenues of relationships. And you will sit and wait for him as long as it takes for God to guide him back to you. Is that correct?
So, I accept that you are going to sit and wait for him to come back to you. Are you willing to give it a time frame or are you going to just wait forever?
What if he comes back in 6 months after she’s done with him and he says the same thing to you, not ready to commit to you? What will you do then?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA lot of bitter people on this site. I really appreciate the response from Denise32 because she remained objective even though the reality isn't looking that way.
I do not need a reality check and for those ladies that are so blunt in their responses; i wonder what got you to become bitter about men?
I am in love with this man and even though it doesn't look promising, my love for him won't change. I do believe in redemption and change in people. A part of me still believes he can change but instead of dealing with him directly, I will let God guide him instead.
Despite what you may all think he's not a bad man; he just lost himself. I just hope he will come to his senses soon enough.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2013): You want objective? Let's look at the facts.
After 3 years, he knows you as much as any man can know a woman. He has *DECIDED* you are not enough for him. He has *SHOWED* you that you are not what he needs even in his time of need by distancing himself from you and seeking support / comfort from a stranger.
He feels like he needs *space from you* while he is doing some soul searching and finding his feet.
It's obvious that you love him. But equally, it's obvious that he doesn't love you and you're determined to prove that he loves and needs you.
I'm sorry to say but you need a reality check.
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reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (22 April 2013):
 'I LOVE HIM and I know that most of you are going to say to just move on and forget about him but I'm honestly looking for more objective answers.'
Unless any of us has a magic wand that we can wave and make it all better...there are no other answers!!
You are in love with someone who does not love you and most likely, never will, plain and simple!!
The other aunts (bless them) have given you good advice...the correct advice to help you...but you want the 'magic wand' answer, that's the only one you will listen to.
While you are waiting for the fairies to come rescue you, maybe yo can think up a few more excuses for 'your guy' to take you even further away frm the truth tha he doesn't loveyou and has moved on.
Sorry to be so tough but...Jeeeesus!!!!!
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 April 2013):
 It's difficult to be NOT objective because from what you wrote it sounds very simple and evident, and it would be clear cut to anybody who's not personally involved ( and willing to clutch at straws in order to hang in there ).
He's not that into you and he has been stringing you along. Or, you have been stringing along yourself if you think that he can give you more than he already did.
Point no. 1, I could take it into account.
But point no. 2 ) come on, " he likes playing the field ". So, let him play his field and leave him be. Do you think that if he had any real interest, or real respect, for you he would still have this ferocious need to play the field ?
He plays the field because he likes it AND because he knows that by doing that he is not losing anything valuable to him.
Point 3 ), more or less ,ditto . I understand that there are time in lives when men need to do some soul searching, but I find curious he' s looking for his soul not in, say , an Indian ashram, but between the thighs of a 25 y.o. girls. These souls.. they go hide in the strangest places.
You hope that he'll find his way back to you , but you are looking at it the wrong way. What happens if he finds his way back to you ? Will he be miraculously changed ? No, he will be the same, an immature player hungry for ego boosts that keeps coming and going ( on/off ) according to his selfish whims and convenience. If you want to do 3 more years of that....
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2013): Hi there! Sometimes we need to face the truth.I have the need to be brutally honest to you, cuz i can sense how affected you are and with all honesty again your ur situation is beyond upsetting.Oh gosh, here we go. The man your in love with, Is just not that into you.He doesn't care about what you feel and how you would feel. How did i know, it happened to me. Once a upon a time I was so in love with this guy, I keep believing that somehow, somewhere he feels the same way for me.I keep believing but I also keep disappointing myself. I keep disappointing myself because he doesn't feel the same way as I do for him and it hurts. But I gotta let go.What im trying to say is, just let go, you dont have to continue asking yourself where you went wrong, what did u do to deserve this. Stop agonizing, and love yourself. Dont bother to contact him or to ask him. Its not worth it. Trust me. if there is a third party involve its so disrespectful. its not worth it.Good luck...
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (22 April 2013):
 If he's in a midlife crisis, then given the issues you mention: going through difficulties at work - that would undermine his self-confidence and be worrisome - especially if his employers should tell him to leave - plus the fact that he's not financially in a good situation, and likely to be even less so if he loses his job. All that's a heavy burden to be dealing with.
What stands out in your post is your statement that he refuses to commit because he likes to play the field. Has he actually SAID so to you, or are you assuming this is what he wants?
However. he's evidently following through on playing the field by taking up with a much younger woman rather than focusing on his relationship with you.
You say you're being silent right now because you don't know how to handle what has happened with this latest development. What do you think you COULD say to him if you were to talk to him concerning it?
"I thought you and I were an item. Now I see you are dating someone else."
"You know "John" I'm really hurt and disappointed that having given you space, to find you are dating another woman to try to sort yourself out."
I suspect his response to the first statement would be along the lines of "Well, you knew I'm not ready to commit, don't you?"
Or perhaps: "We're not officially in a relationship so I'm - and you - are free to date other people."
I know you ARE extremely upset by this turn of affairs, and I'm not going to tell you to forget him and move on.
But, I honestly can't see what good would come out of confronting or talking to him about this. Perhaps your best bet is to just not contact him for the time being and see what happens. But unless he can deal with his various issues it doesn't sound too hopeful.......
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