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I love him, but he treats me so bad.

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 July 2012) 9 Answers - (Newest, 31 July 2012)
A female Canada age 18-21, anonymous writes:

Hey everyone, so, I've got a big issue here. I've been dating my boyfriend for 5 months now, and, I love him to pieces. But, recently, he's been treating me so horribly. Recently meaning 2 months ago he started this habit. He's just flat out an a-hole, he's rude, inconsiderate, and just mean. The other day he had just bought a brand new gaming system that I've wanted for MONTHS, he bragged about it, then he said that he was going to buy the game I wanted the most, and play it right in front of me. I don't think he was kidding either. And for the past week he's been saying goodbye to me at 10:00 PM, when our nights usually last until 1 AM. Claiming he's very tired, but usually just wants to play video games. And 2 weeks ago he's been getting in contact with these 2 girls that he used to be friends with years ago, claiming they're his best friends. I'm ok with it, but yesterday he blew me off for this NEW girl who was apparently "part of that group". So, her, some other girl, and him hung out for hours when the meeting was only supposed to last "a couple minutes". He claims that he went back to their house and says that they got caught in a storm, which could be true, but the storm wasn't bad enough to not drive in.

Not only that, but our relationship relies on sex, no cuddles, no TV time. SEX. And when we're not doing that, he's being a jerk.

But 3 days ago I went to the beach and I met this really nice guy. He's so polite, and sweet. I didn't tell him I had a boyfriend, nothing happened. We just hung out. But before I left, we exchanged numbers. Last night he texted me and asked if I wanted to go to the movies next week, of course I was fighting with my boyfriend at that moment (via text messaging) and I said yes.

Now I don't know what to do!

I love my boyfriend, and it'll be too hard to say goodbye, but I can't take being treated like this ALL the time! Wondering if he's cheating, and being kept on my toes with jealousy. Not to mention, I dumped all my guy friends for him, and he still keeps his girl friends. Although I've had a history of cheating, it's still not fair on my part to have to sneak out with guy friends (not cheating, just really close friends), and he can spend HOURS with girls. But this new guy is so sweet and he seems like a really good guy, but he's really not my type. He's nice, and all, but I feel like he's too nice. And I feel like I'd ruin that.

What do I do? I want to go to the movies, but at the same time I don't. I don't want to cheat on my boyfriend. But I've been so mistreated by guy after guy for the past 3 years. I want a nice guy, the guy I thought my boyfriend once was.

Please, advice?

View related questions: best friend, exchanged numbers, jealous, text, video games

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A female reader, Daisy_Daisy United Kingdom +, writes (31 July 2012):

Daisy_Daisy agony auntAre you planning on meeting up with him to finish with him or to try and reconcile?

If you are meeting up to finish with him, you don't need to say much. Tell him how unhappy you've been for the past 2 months and it's not working out for you. It sounds like he's ready to move on, so hopefully he won't give you a hard time or try to change your mind.

However, sadly, I get the feeling you still want to be with him. In that case, there's nothing more I can add. Except that faking orgasms when he forces himself on you will allow him to think that you actually enjoy it. It's a very stupid thing to do, even if it is to make him finish quicker.

I wish I could say something to make you see this situation as it really it, but I've tried and it didn't seem to make any difference. So, good luck. Keep your friends close by for when it gets even worse.

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A female reader, BondGirl72 United States +, writes (31 July 2012):

BondGirl72 agony auntI am very sorry you have fallen for someone who abuses you, but you must get away from him and start reprogramming your mind.

Deep down he is NOT sweet. Deep down he is anything BUT sweet. You need to take off the rose-colored glasses and see the guy for what he is...a creep and an abuser.

If he's going to move on the minute you say goodbye, why in the world would you stay with him? He cares nothing about you or your feeling, he sexually abuses you, what's next? Spitting in your face or beating you?

You need to realize that this is NOT acceptable behavior from someone who really cares about you. This behavior is ABUSIVE and you are showing classic victims symptoms. You don't believe he is an abuser, you believe he is really a great person deep down although you never see it...LOOK AT REALITY and what he is doing to you.

How in the world is he "taking care of you"? He does not take care of you emotionally, he does not take care of you mentally, he does not take care of you spiritually, and he does not take care of you physically. What he does is TAKE FROM YOU, so that there is not much of YOU left.

You need to leave this guy before it is too late for you. I am concerned that it is already too late because he has you convinced that you are the bad person and he is a saint.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

@ Daisy Daisy:

Yes, it is pretty serious. I've brought it to his attention that I'm not fond of being treated that way, but he only said that he has sex with me to "ease my tension". He thinks forcing me to have sex relieves my stress. But when womanhood takes a calling, he STILL tries to have sex. For example, last week, I couldn't have sex, and he still tried. All he says is "relax, I'm not gonna do anything." He certainly tries to!

Last night I was with my best guy friend and he says, "It's best you move on, he is a liar, and he's sick." I texted him last night and said that we needed to talk. He said that he knew. I said that I wanted my clothes back, and he only replied as, "I figured." We're set to talk when he's out of work. But I'm in knots, I don't know what to do. I'm writing down points that I need to bring up to him, such as me being on his right shoulder, and these girls on his left. I'm upset because I KNOW he's going to move on the second I say goodbye... What really makes my stomach churn is that there is a new girl where he works, and they actively flirt! Even a girl I know that works there said to him that he and that girl would make an adorable couple. I'm in shreds thinking about it. What should I do? Or what should I bring to his attention?

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A female reader, Daisy_Daisy United Kingdom +, writes (28 July 2012):

Daisy_Daisy agony auntOP your update is really shocking. You drop in the sexual abuse like it's an aside, just another thing. That is very, very serious. Ok, we're not always in the mood but it's not OK for guy to go ahead and do it when you have said no. It's very, very wrong and I'm alarmed that you don't see how serious it is.

I understand that you don't consciously go out of your way to date jerks but once someone has shown their true colours you should be able to recognise that it's not right and move on. And take things slowly - you seem totally taken over by this guy after 5 short months. Why can't you move on? And I don't mean with beach guy, I mean on your own.

I'm glad that you stood up to your boyfriend and told him not to talk to you that way, and really I hope he never talks to you again, for your sake, but that's not going to happen. He's waiting for you to cave in.

The things he does that seem lovely and sweet are all materialistic. It's easy for a guy to spend money (if he has it) but in all other ways he is behaving like a pig. And I bet he knows it and that's why he spends money on you. It's not love.

Please, please, please look after yourself. He is abusive and you are NOT happy. I could quote back the things you've written but I think you should read back both of your posts. Ask yourself if this really sounds ok. Because it sounds awful to me. Ask your best guy riend to read the posts and see what he says. I think he will be appalled.

I hope, really hope, you move on from this guy and the sooner the better. Take care OP.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

And I would just like to point out the fact that I had no intention to cheat on my boyfriend. Yes, I used to cheat a lot years ago, but it's an unhealthy habit I intend to break.

But the problem is that I don't WANT to break up with him, but I know that deep down he's still sweet.

I lay down rules, but he never follows them. I told him I don't like him hanging out with so many girls, and that's because I don't trust certain girls.

Especially ones I don't know, and ones that I get blown off for. He even had his ex-gf live with him for 2 months. When I told him I didn't like it, he didn't do anything. Eventually SHE had the sense to move out, seeing that it was tearing us apart. As for sex, when I'm not in the mood, I tell him so. He doesn't stop. I push him off and say no, but he keeps going. I fake orgasms just to get him to stop. It's pretty sad...

He says I don't listen, but that's not true. I DO listen, I just DON'T do what he says. He tells me to tell my friends off, I don't. He tells me to move out of my parents house (I'm 19), I don't. He tells me to insult my mom, I don't.

Although I still love that he takes care of me, which is more than any guy ever did for me. If I want something, he buys it and surprises me, even if I don't ask him to buy it. He pays for my gas. He takes me out to dinner. He helps me out when I'm confused.

But this other guy lives about an hour away. I tried a relationship like that with another guy I met at the beach, the distance was a bit too much.

Aunt Honesty: It's true. He always is friends with all these girls, and it's a bit much. Even my best guy friend said that he would never do that to his girlfriend. I wouldn't mind these girls so much if he would just let me meet them. I try to stand up for myself, but his game is playing mind games. Whenever I defend myself, he turns the tables and makes ME feel bad. Then I just go right back into a slump. Last night I said to him, "If you're not going to talk to me like a human being, don't talk to me at all." He hasn't talked to me since.

BondGirl72: The thing is that I don't know if he's doing it on purpose. He says that he doesn't want me to leave. But he is pretty emotionally abusive. His faher was emotionally and physically abusive, so he learned at a young age how to emotionally bully people, just like his father did.

Honeypie: I wasn't planning on it. I was either going to break up with my boyfriend first, or tell this guy that I can't go to the movies. And I don't care that he bought the gaming system, I was happy for him until he started bragging about it, and when he said that he was going to buy that game I wanted and play it in front of me, that's what kind of threw me off.

Daisy Daisy: My best guy friend said that too, he thinks that my boyfriend was just being nice to keep me around then started being a jerk. Yes I feel like I deserve a nice guy for a change, but sometimes I feel like he might be doing the same thing my boyfriend did. I'm not into jerky guys for the thrill, it started when I was 16, I just liked the attention, but now I just thought these guys were nice, and they all turn out to be liars.

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A female reader, Daisy_Daisy United Kingdom +, writes (27 July 2012):

Daisy_Daisy agony auntWhat I notice from this is that you love this guy who is horrible to you and very disrespectful. He managed to be nice to you for a grand total of 12 weeks before showing his true colours.

And with that in mind, you don't think the other guy is your type because he's too nice. What is wrong with nice? Isn't that what you deserve?

OP, you might get more excitement from men who treat you like shit, there might be more chemistry, but is that going to work in the long run? I don't think it will, I think you will continue to be mistreated by one guy after another. Life's too short.

I think that you should finish with your boyfriend. Don't cheat on him. Don't drag the nice guy into this. You can decide what to do about dating him once you're single. I believe that if you were happy and in love, you wouldn't have taken the guys number and you wouldn't even consider dating him.

Have a good think about the guys you have chosen to be with up until now and whether you should perhaps change tack. Good luck.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (27 July 2012):

Honeypie agony auntSo what is it exactly that you LOVE so much about him?

And just because your BF talks to loads of girls behind your back doesn't mean you need to stoop to his level. You CAN NOT go out on DATES with another guy while you have a BG, that is just wrong and deceitful!

Maybe YOU need to look at the type of boy you seem to date, they might have more in common then you think, and it might be you need to switch it up.

As it stands, if you aren't happy with your current relationship... END IT, and do it before you start a new one.

As for him buying a gaming system, I can't see whats so wrong in that, IF he can afford it more power to him. No need to be resentful over that.

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A female reader, BondGirl72 United States +, writes (27 July 2012):

BondGirl72 agony auntIf your boyfriend is being disrespectful, I would just tell him that you don't like how you're being treated and you're leaving. It sounds like he is either emotionally abusive or being a jerk on purpose to get you to leave.

Don't cheat on him. Have a talk with him first. If he doesn't seem to care what you do, you know it's your time to go. I'm convinced some of these guys do not want relationships...it's ridiculous how they treat women.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (27 July 2012):

aunt honesty agony auntFirst off get the idea of cheating out of your head, you say your boyfriend is disrespecting you, but you are thinking on doing the dirty on him which is completely wrong, you have done it in the past you should learn from your mistakes. It is not fair to cheat on someone no matter how bad they treat you, if you want to be with someone else then just leave him.

Now on to your current relationship with your boyfriend. Honestly honey the best thing that you can do is to end things. You may feel like you love him, but he is no good for you and he is never going to make you happy. He does not love you, he uses you for sex by the sounds of things. He would rather hang out with other girls than you, which says a lot. His heart is just not in this relationship and he is treating you like dirt. Stand up for yourself and end this relationship, believe me you deserve to be treated so much better.

As for this other guy, I think you should end things with your boyfriend and go and watch a film with this guy. You say he seems nice and you deserve to have a fun time. You are still young so go and enjoy yourself.

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