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I love him and want to be his but I don't want to get hurt

Tagged as: Breaking up, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 December 2017) 2 Answers - (Newest, 17 December 2017)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

So I started dating this guy I never though I’d be with and fell in love with him and he fell in love with me. We had the best relationship. Well he joined the military a year after dating and I decided I was going to support him, that my love for him was enough go to wait and I did faithfullyand happily. Almost 2 years into him being gone and almost 3 years into our relationship he ends it on deployment, completely random and says it because he doesn’t want me to wait on him, that I deserve someone who can spend time with me. I was devastated and respected his decision and stopped talking to him for a little over two weeks then I texted him and said hey I understand why you made your decision and I’m gonna respect it I just hope you’re doing well.. then he messages me back instantly wanting to talk about it and when talked it was for over an hr, him saying he was doing it for me cause he didn’t want me to regret waiting, and that all the service men and women he’s around cheat and he was sort of afraid that I would, eventhough that’s insane, but I understood. Since then we’ve been talking everyday more now than when we were together and that was about a month ago. He said that he was sorry and he tells me he loves me every time we go to bed and get off of the phone, he calls me to say goodnight every night and goodmorning, When I had brought up ya getting back together he said let’s wait to talk about this once I get back. I was just talking to him today and he said when he gets here in a couple days on leave he’s going to have his friends take him to my place because he doesn’t want his mom saying anything about him hanging out with me, and I just have this feeling that maybe he doesn’t want to get back together and I’m scared that I’m wasting my time and hurting myself talking to him. I love him and want to be his but I don’t want to hurt myself.

View related questions: fell in love, get back together, military, text

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom +, writes (17 December 2017):

When he comes, I think you need to make sure that the talk happens and isn’t put off. In the end, if you would prefer to wait for him than not be with him, that is your position. His might be that he’s not prepared to ask that of you, and that he doesn’t want to stay together. But you both need to hear each other out and end your meeting having agreed the way forward. That sounds horribly clinical and transactional, I get it. I’m aware that it will be emotional and difficult, but right now you are both acting like a couple whilst not being a couple and it’s confusing, inconsistent and unsustainable. If it’s over, it needs to be over and that means not having all this contact every day. You need to go your separate ways so you can both grieve properly for the relationship and move on. So be clear what you want; listen to him and ultimately you may get your answer.

I wish you all the very best.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 December 2017):

Honeypie agony auntWhen he comes to visit just HANG out - NO sex. If he isn't REALLY looking to commit to you again then DO NOT have sex.

It IS very true that rumors of cheating partners increase around deployments. I remember my husband told me of this notice board the guys had in Afghanistan (Wall of Shame) where people would hang up their Dear John letters and "sexy selfies of cheating GF/wifes/BF/husbands - while the notion sounds crude and mean I think it was a way for the guy/girls to work through it. Also, if someone was caught cheating with OTHER soldiers (which definitely happened) they were called out on the board too.

And younger soldiers listen to the older ones whether the stories are true or not. So for him to not totally trust that either of you will be faithful, it's not far-fetched. Though he really should JUDGE you on YOUR actions, personality and merit, not what other guys/girls might have done.

It was a "preemptive" strike to break up with you before you (or he) cheats.

I think you NEED to be careful here. Because he might like the idea of YOU thinking that having sex means you are dating again. He might like the idea of YOU waiting for him (regardless of relationship or not). So... my advice- HANG out (preferably in public) and DO NOT have sex with him. Don't forget he is only home on LEAVE so it's vacation time for him. That doesn't mean he won't talk about relationships and then break it off when he goes back again. Be open and UPFRONT about it.

You can't guard yourself against getting hurt in life, that is just not how it works. BUT you can use common sense and decide for yourself WHAT you want. I get that you WANT this guy, but if you look at it more critical - are you really sure you want to be with a guy who doesn't TRUST you enough to be faithful while he is deployed (or stationed overseas)?

I think since you really care I'd talk to him when he gets home (even though I find it ridiculous that he has to hide going to see you from his mom... that is another little red flag for me). If he really CARES about you he wouldn't want to hide it.

Talk to him. No sex. BE firm with that.

And then decide how things go after he travels back.

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