A
female
age
30-35,
*ynx Lonestar
writes:The blush is beginning to fade from the rose.Met a guy in Nov. 2014 at a French speaking club. He pursued me from the get-go. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship (my first one) earlier that year. So, when he came along, I was ambivalent about seeing people again, though eventually found myself attracted to him after some time. We really began "dating" starting in 2015. He was always gracious, buying me food and drinks, and was extremely hospitable whenever I came to his apt. I met his landlady, and he showed me pictures of his son. We did begin a sexual relationship around the early spring. I was disappointed when, in May, he texted me saying he needed to go travel for work; there was a potential job offer (he's a coach in addition to working in sales at an athletic club, and directs a summer program). However, I played it cool. Fast-forward to nearly two months without any contact whatsoever. I had thought to myself, I'm probably not going to hear from him again - he's probably gotten the job and moved. Out of the blue, I get a text from him asking how my summer is going, and that he was thinking about me a lot. Well I'll be darned, it's on again. Except this time around, I was much more cautious. The couple times he texted me during those summer months, I acted as though I was living it up and keeping very busy (not far from the truth, I was in fact working and keeping busy last summer). He called me in early Sept. and asked if I'd like to catch up and get dinner. It was the first time I'd seen him in the flesh since April. I was polite during the whole evening; polite but not affectionate. He hadn't gotten the job he traveled to go see about, which was many states away, but, he did receive the job offer he'd interviewed for in sales in the spring, and now that the athletic club had fallen under new management, he'd gotten it. This meaning, a move was not imminent after all. All throughout this past fall and this winter, we've just kept on seeing each other, averaging about 2-3 times a month. We seemingly picked up right where we left off. After it was clear to me that he wanted me in his life again, and that he wasn't seeing anyone else, I finally decided to start being intimate with him again. He works about 60+/- hours a week, and we do live about 45 mins. away from each other. I certainly understand that he has a son whom he tries to stay involved with as much as possible. He sees him whenever he can. I respect and admire that. I also understand that the nature of his job is totally unpredictable - he has clients who book coaching sessions with him all hours of the day on top of his sales at the club, which are commission-based. The hours are just crazy. I just find myself wishing for more, like a lot of the time... I was certainly frustrated this past summer. I have not fully voiced to him those feelings of disappointment I experienced this past summer. Maybe I am a bit of a push-over when it comes to keeping my feelings bottled up inside and acting as though everything's fine with me when in actuality it is not. I am not looking for a ring. Especially considering how my last relationship went, and how toxic and controlling the man I was with was, I am one of those people who likes to take things slow and really just enjoy spending time in another person's company, whilst retaining my independence and having my own life. I like my friendships and relationships with the opposite sex to be low-key, but that doesn't mean the feelings aren't still there. I would ordinarily say that I'm being "friend zoned" right now, except, I'm intimate with him and being taken out on some dates by the man that aren't exactly cheap. I'd like to think our friendship/relationship/whatever this is means a little something to him. I would venture to guess I am his lover, or a "friend with benefits" as one would declare these days. He keeps dropping hints that he would like to get to know me better and spend more time together, and even mentioned going on a camping trip together the last time we went out. Now, he says things like this to my face, and then once we've parted I get a text later saying "It was great seeing you again" or something to that effect...then, it's literally dead silence until another two weeks go by, and I get some text or call out of the blue asking me if I'd like to have dinner that night, or go hiking later that week, etc. And, it's on again. Talk about bipolar! *sorry if there are actual bipolar folks reading this that took offence* I suppose I simply can't escape the uneasy feeling lingering in the back of the mind (hell, it's been at the forefront of my mind!) that he'll eventually meet someone he deems more compatible to himself (we do have an age difference of about 24 years) and then I'll just be wordlessly discarded. Paranoid, perhaps, but I harbor no delusions that I am this man's girlfriend. I should probably add that he has officially been divorced from his wife for nearly five years now. I checked the court records online to confirm this - he had indeed told me the truth. So, I don't think I have a liar on my hands here. He may have some commitment issues. I guess my question would be, what do you all think about my "relationship" with this fellow? Should I just give it a while, should I be the first to run, should I try to talk about my feelings with him? Should I tell him I don't want to sleep with him and just be platonic friends? I am a little stumped here, which is a tad embarrassing for me, because I consider myself to be a smart woman who has several male friends and knows a little something about the male mind. I guess I am holding some resentment and frustration towards him in my heart, which seems to evaporate when he reaches out to me and I spend time in his company, during which he is very thoughtful and incisive, knows how to keep a conversation flowing, and is, hands-down, enjoyable to be around. We have so many mutual interests. I am an introvert by nature, but his extroversion makes me feel comfortable opening up more. I mean, the guy's a good person - I just don't know what to think about us at the end of the day. I do suspect that becoming intimate with him mixed my feelings up, and now I am in a situation where I both love/hate him for making me feel so mixed up (and helpless, and stupid). Well, now that I've essentially written a novel, I invite your thoughts, Dear Cupid readers of the interwebs!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2016): It seems this man has genuine affection for you, and wants to be in your company other than just intimacy otherwise he wouldn't ask you out for dinner.
Do you just go silent on him, and wait for him to ask you out again? If so, you are sending the message your not that interested. You should try being the one to ask him out, suggest you meet and go somewhere or do something - so then he knows you too want to put effort in.
I know you say you're introverted, but you've got to know this man and I hope you're comfortable enough to communicate honestly with him. Start asking him out more, not just waiting for him to ask you. You also need an honest, face to face, conversation about what your relationship is. Tell him that you like being in his company but want to know how he sees your relationship together. This is the only way you're going to get any clarity on the situation.
Best of luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2016): I was in a similar place, like you are, fell head or heals, for her, but it was me, who got hurt, she didn't have the time, she had a wall up, he will never change, after you, he will just find another to treat , like he's treating you, he has no feelings for you, he is using you, hey, I walk away, a Little, over a month ago, an I think, I found someone who wants to spend time with me, its starting off real good, but you know, this has happened to me before, after I start to like some one new, the old one pops back up, so my advice, so if this happens to you, stay with the new one, cause the minute you go back to the old one, the new one is gone, then the old one, will take off, its like they don't want know one else to have you, am still hurting from the last one, she didn't deserve, a nice person, you do though, good luck
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A
female
reader, Tottochan  +, writes (7 January 2016):
I think CindyCares has given excellent advice.I also agree that this guy neither seems like a liar nor a player. However, I feel that you harbouring so much resentment due to the fact that he can't spend more time with you, could be cleared up by just being more open with him.You have yourself said that you are very introverted and show him that everything is fine and dandy when in reality you want more. Maybe he thinks that if he is more persistent with you, that you might withdraw as he might think that you are merely 'cool' with him.He seems like a nice person and if you want to have more - you want to be his girlfriend, then simply have a face to face conversation with him! Tell him that you are unclear about your current situation and you would like more from him - more affection, more time.See what he says. If he says that he wants more too, but his schedule doesn't allow him to give more time, you can decide whether you are content to be his girlfriend that he can only see sporadically or whether that isn't enough for you.Similarly if he is not very enthusiastic about giving this relationship a name, then you will again know what the status is, and you can take a call accordingly.Anyway whatever the case, you will certainly achieve clarity, simply by being open about your thoughts and dreams. :)All the best!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 January 2016):
 The man is not a liar, and he is not a player either. Quite simply , he is offering you what he can give you, and it's not his fault if it's not enough for you. We might say that you have been friend-with-benefits -zoned , but not in a disparaging sense. Obviously he does not mind spending time with you... occasionally, and also taking you out on expensive dates... occasionally. Plus, there's a mutual attraction and why not acting upon it... occasionally.
That makes perfect sense for him, due to the circumstances : single dad, impredictable ,demanding job... and the fact, let's be frank, that he is not in love with you. I am sure he likes you a lot, and he really enjoys the time you spend together. But in these things, the proof is in the pudding ; and if someone can break any kind of contacts for two months and more , .. I don't care how busy can he be, it just means you aren't very high on the list in his thoughts.
This does not have to mean that you are LOW on the list, or not high " enough " objectively.
But it may be " not enough " for you if you want more than what he's giving you graciously and freely, i.e. sexual intimacy and friendly companionship , compatibly with his schedule and priorities.
If you want overwhelming romance , or stability and the certainty this will lead to " something " , then he is not the guy for you and he never pretended he was. This "might " perhaps lead to something less casual ( I doubt it, though ) if you get to know each other better, or it may not. Anyway he is leaving it to chance and destiny, so to speak, and he does not seem interested in taking the steps for building a relationship with you, which is a conscious effort , a willing attempt. Then again, he never said or showed that he was ready for that , so ....what you see is what you get .
As you suspect, it may be that , regardless of your independent personality and love for the single life, the fact of becoming sexual partners, made you operate a shift in your perceptions and expectations. It's surprising, in a way, and I have no idea if it's a biochemical thing, or cultural, or what, but still in this day and age most women seem to feel that if they have sex with somebody- then they can't leave it at that ( even if they wanted like that to begin with ) and it HAS to become something more, otherwise it's no good, it's a sham.
Often it's not that they like they guy more , or get atatched to him because he is a joy to be around and ALSO good in bed... it's more like if they feel uncomfortable within themselves because at some level they feel that if there's sex then there it should also necessarily be love.
But it does not work that way- you can't force these things, most of the time that special spark that makes you want ONE person among all others ( which is what committment is about, at the end of the day ) either is there or it is not. And if in a period of sevral months there has never been a natural- and evident- progression and escalation in feelings , I doubt that just having sex again and again is going to trigger it in future.
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