| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My bf doesn't trust me, because he dislikes my past and because I lied about it. He worries about every other crush I had before meeting him, or every other guy I kissed. I'm 19, he's almost 23. I lost my virginity to him, although my first sexual experience (giving oral sex) was with an ex friend with benefits that he knows.I knew he was jealous from the start, so I never told him about my past. However, he asked and I lied in fear of his reaction. Then I started telling him the truth about it, but he reacted very badly and judged me and name called me and then I lied about some stuff again. Finally, I've told him pretty much everything about the nature of the relationships I had with guys before him. In short, he thinks I was pathetic and a sl*t for the way I behaved with them (from making out drunk with strangers, to changing myself to make guys like me). He knows some of the guys. He also got mad because some guy added me on MSN, adn even though I didn't know who he was I accepted his request. He says I should'n accept requests if I don't know who the person is.The thing is, other than lying, I haven't done anything wrong to him. And I still think I lied with good reason, who wants to be judged over every other conversation you had with an ex crush 3 years ago? To be called a sl*t because I hung out with this guy who liked me (but I didn't know) and because after he told me his feelings he gave me a peck. To be called a sl*t because I tried to change myself a bit when I was younger to get a guy to notice me. Etc... the thing is, he doesn't trust me because he thinks I'm a sl*t and that I'll jump into these guys' arms at the first chance I get when he isn't looking!Now, as he doesn't trust me, we're on a break. He wanted to go on a break so I'd think about being totally honest with him. The truth is, there are a couple of things I haven't told him but they're minor and I won't tell him because they're meaningless but he'll blow them out of proportion, and I don't want that. Other than that, I've been honest. He doesn't want to believe me now, and I understand that, but I don't think a break is a solution.Saturday nights are our special nights, when we hang out no matter what. But as we're on a break, he told me he'll go out drinking with his buddies. He said that, as we're on a break, he can do whatever he likes, that it's not his problem if he meets someone new and hits it off. I told him he was free to talk to anyone he wanted to, and he said "and to f**k them too".What do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): You should have told him the whole truth the moment he
asked.If he doesn't trust you,then that's his problem,not yours.The past is the past and we can't go back and change
it.So he might as well get over it,cause it can't happen
again.To say he can do whatever he likes and fuck whoever
he likes and not give a damn about your feelings,and then
be all up on your case all the time is stupid bullshit.And
to call you a slut for something that happened 3 years ago
like a conservation with an ex-lover is bullshit!LEAVE HIM
NOW!He is controlling you by calling you names and accusing
you of doing every little bad thing and then not caring about your feelings and doin what he likes.Glad I could help,Hunny!(I'm not like that.)
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (1 June 2008):
 It sounds like he's treating you really badly because of this. The main things I think you can do are to:
- Don't let him make any of this 'your fault'. The problem here is that he is experiencing an intense jealous reaction to some information about you. This is 'his reaction' and 'his problem to deal with'. Nothing you have done is wrong: you are perfectly entitled to have kissed / had sex with whoever you want before you were in a relationship with him. Of course if you'd have had sex with hundreds of men then it would be understandable if that would throw up warning signs for some guys, but you haven't. Quite the opposite, you were a virgin before you two were together!
- Try to get him to see that he's being unreasonable, and that he needs to deal with his own emotions. The situation with him is only going to improve if he takes direct ownership of his problem and makes a conscious choice to deal with it. He has to accept responsibility for this situation.
- You can help by not triggering his jealousy. Don't let this alter your behaviour, but it is good to not talk about previous boyfriends and I also suggest avoiding telling stories that happened at times when you were with them (he'll be mentally picturing you with them). When he starts to get obsessive try to change the subject, or leave if he won't stop talking about it and give him time to cool of.
- The fact that he's now saying he can 'f**k' anyone he likes on your break makes him a hypocrite. Imagine if, next saturday, you had sex with someone and he didn't. Imagine how crazy he'd go? Yet he'd expect you to be fine if he did the same. It's totally unreasonable.
You need to be very careful that this doesn't turn into an abusive / controlling relationship, if it's not that already. His negative emotions seem to be totally in control... you may find he'll start to pressure you to wear certain things, see only certain people, read and watch certain things. It can be hard to keep your own identity in those situations, and it can get really unhealthy. At the same time, relationships are about compromise and finding a common lifestyle, so this can be very hard to remain objective about. I know I struggle to do it.
If he is someone who is open to reading, you might be able to get him to read a book that will snap him out of his intensely jealous state of mind. I recommend the book 'The Dangerous Passion, By David Buss'. You might want to read it too. Sometimes reading a dry, semi-scientific description of something you are going through can help you to overcome it.
Lastly, if you don't think he's going to improve, if he totally refuses to see that this is his problem and not yours, you should probably leave him. Sad to say it might take the shock of him leaving you, then realizing that every girl he meets afterwards also has a sexual past, to make him see that the world he'd like to live in (every girl utterly virginal 'til he comes along) just doesn't exist.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (1 June 2008):
 A virgin slut. That is a new one.
Yes, men often have troubles with their partners having an extensive sexual past. You don't have one.
This type of question comes up a lot and it depends on the actual past in question how I answer it. For instance if a woman says her boyfriend has trouble she slept with a soldier of the US army I would say he is over-reacting and extremely jealous. If she says she slept with the US army, well... he may have a point.
Your boyfriend doesn't. Either he is just extremely jealous, has a severe case of double standards (was he a virgin?) and maybe a control freak which could easily lead to abusive behaver.
Not a pretty picture.
"Etc... the thing is, he doesn't trust me because he thinks I'm a sl*t and that I'll jump into these guys' arms at the first chance I get when he isn't looking!"
VS
"He said that, as we're on a break, he can do whatever he likes, that it's not his problem if he meets someone new and hits it off. I told him he was free to talk to anyone he wanted to, and he said "and to f**k them too"."
How is that for double standards?
You are not going to like this bit of advice, but you are on a break right now? Good, hook up at the next millennium celebration.
He wants to control you, by tearing you down over your so-called past he seeks to make you change your behavior to the way he wants. This is not about jealousy it about control.
Stay away from him unless you want to spend the rest of your life confirming to his wishes. Oh and don't think you will ever improve yourself enough to please him. You ALWAYS be wrong as long as you are with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2008): It sounds as though your bf needs to get a life & realize that the past is THE PAST! Like you said you didn't want to tell him cause you knew how he would react. All the name calling is not even neccessary. You don't deserve to be disrespected like that. What I would do is let him have his little break once he's done & wants you back...you tell him "sorry, now I need a break & its not my fault if I find someone while I'm on it". Teach him a lesson cause he just wants to run the relationship & it shouldn't be that way. Good luck.
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