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I lent him some money, he wants to pay it back but I feel I've been used and manipulated?

Tagged as: Breaking up, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 January 2008) 6 Answers - (Newest, 26 January 2008)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Will try to put this as simple as poss, just wanted opinions really.

Got back with someone last november after being split for 3 months. Previous to that we were together a year.

He lied about something, nothing major, but it caused a wedge between us.

Anyway, we were mates about a month before we got back together and the previous issue became history, we got on well so decided to try again.

All was good, he was doing his house up to be able to sell it. Ran out of money so applied for a remortgage. His broker told him he would definately get it and he would have it by mid december. Me feeling for him, offered to get an overdraft of 4800 pounds on the understanding it was only for 2 weeks. He assured me she had told him he would have it by xmas at the latest. He also said she advised him to use the money he borrowed to finish doing up the house instead of paying some mortgage arrears he had occured because the remortgage would cover the arrears. Anyway, you guessed it, the money didnt come through. He said he kept ringing her, but she didnt have any news yet. We split last weekend because we had been arguing about things since xmas. I was panicking because it turns out the charges are going to be 82 pounds a month (which he did promise to pay) but he has had no work coming in (hes a self employed builder) and he was also stopping here. So i stressed about how i was going to afford things and support both of us.

Since we split the weekend, he has been told hes been refused the remortgage because of the arrears he owed. And his mortgage company are saying they are going to start repossesion soon. He has given me this months charges this week which is good. But ive still got to worry about next month and as long as it goes on for. And we are on talking terms, he says he feels terrible and is at the moment trying to borrow off family to pay me back. He wants us to get back together a third time! Thinks it was because of the money and other than that we are fine, but what i want opinions on i guess is, do you think someone that borrows that sort of money off a single mum of 2 kids can be trusted. Im not even completely sure he was told he would ever have the remortgage by dec or even if she advised him to use money he borrowed (off me and someone else) to finish doing the house up. Does ahyone know about remortgages? Would a broker actually be able to say you will definately get it, seeing as its not even them that decides. I trusted what he was telling me. Was a bit daft? He says it was all out of his control and never seems to take responsibility for anything that happens in his life.

View related questions: get back together, got back together, money

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A female reader, speedcat United States +, writes (26 January 2008):

doesnt sound like hes trying to hard to get you your money back! sounds like from your description of him thats hes a bit immature maybe selfish. I bet you can bring him to court,,why dont you try? sounds like your relationship is pretty much over anyways right? sorry dont know much about loans or rebrokers...good luck....

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I'm being too soft you are saying basically?

Thats my trouble! oops. I'm a strong person when i'm single, its when i go out with guys i always end up pampering them, i know. Grrrrr i know thats something i need to address.

I just dont want to kick him when he is down. Hes heading towards repossesion and i'm pressuring him for money. Well, i'm not. And i guess it was because of the money, we split. No fault of either of ours really. Apart from the fact i am a soft tw*t and offered to help him short term and he is a bit foolish for listening to a mortgage broker.

Anyway, im not all daft. I have the small claims forms here in front of me and if i dont get it back soon, i will be sending them off and making sure i definately get the money out of his house. Because as my mum said, In theory, you have a financial interest in that house now to be honest.


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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008):

In your reply you said that he should use the money for the arrears before you. Well I am sorry but you are a daft lady.

You have two children and yourself to worry about so that means you put your kids and yourself before his bricks and mortar.

He owes money on arrears to a huge company for 1. can afford it and 2. can reposess his house and get their money back.

You are the priority and I am not surprised he took advantage as you are not talking sense and being to reasonable.

You borrowed money for him, you are no longer together so he needs to find a way to get you your money back. Simple.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

2 great replies. Many thanks.

The anon poster, his broker knew exactly what his arrears were. The broker is the one that sorts all the paperwork out. People have been telling me there is no way a broker would be able to, or want to say you will definately be accepted for a re mortgage or advise him to use any money he borrows off people to refurb the house rather than use it for the arrears, seeing as the worse the arrears are the less likely you are to get a re mortgage.

But i definately wouldnt get back into anything with him the way things are.

And i did only offer the loan as a 2 week thing on the trust of him saying thats as long as it would be for.

But i was wondering if i am being too hard on him.

Family are saying it sounds like he manipulated the situation because he wanted to finish the refurb on his house.

The signing of reciept was done by the way, although through small claims, thats not even needed. He wouldnt ever deny owing the money. He just doesnt know at the moment when he can pay it back. But does say he is working on it and might be able to borrow atleast half of it.

I have told him i would expect him to use any money he gets on the arrears, not me. But he says im his priority.

Its all a bit of a mess that wouldnt of been an issue if he had got the remortgage like he supposedly was told he would.

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A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (25 January 2008):

TELLULAH agony auntHi,

I think you are being very hard on yourself! and him really.

True you dont know the truth over what he was told, but he wants to be with you, so the chances that he has tried to have one over on you are pretty slim. After all! He could have just done a runner with your money.

My Friend is a mortgage broker, and although they do tend to tell people, that when they apply for a remortgage they have probably got it, many things can go wrong. Not necessarily any ones fault, sometimes the money lender can get awkward, due to survey's.

Its a shame that he let it get into arears, that is no end of trouble. And then you find it harder to borrow again.

He can apply to another lender, and they may be able to help him. I was once refused myself by one lender then got another offer 2 weeks later.

You need to tell him that he needs to sort this out before you can even think about trying again. You dont want to start over with all this money worry hanging over your head. Especially with two little children.

XX Take care

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008):

I think you are a bit daft lending anyone that sort of money if you are a single parent.

You should have got it in writing from him i.e a receipt for the money when you lent it to him to prove he had it.

If you never talk again how are you going to get the money back?

A broker might have said he would get it as he would not have been aware of the arrears.

There is lots of work for what he does, why is he not working? He could even do labouring.

I think you need to tell him you cannot support him and the children, and that *if you want to that is*, you want to see him but cannot have him living with you whilst he cannot contribute.

The call at the end of the day is yours, but I would be wary he is not just sponging, only you know him, however you are having doubts.

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