A
male
age
30-35,
*ensativeguy010
writes:Hello Agony aunts,I've been dating my fiance now for a year and we've known each other for 5 years. after about 4 months I started to get separation anxiety because the honeymoon phase was slowly ending so the more she got comfortable and stuff the more I worried that there was something wrong. I talked to her about it a few times and she said to just ignore those negative thoughts and feelings and it would only come in short spurts of a couple of days after that. So like i said she is now my fiance and we are engaged and have just finished unpacking into a house we are renting together. this last week it feels like shes really been pulling away from me and its caused my separation anxiety to act up really badly and its stressing me out to the point where I just want to cry....and I like to portray myself as the "Macho Man". I want to tell myself that shes just stressed from moving, or other things and on top of that she IS on her period but that never really has this effect on her before. I really want to talk to her about it but every time I do she becomes more and more upset because she feels like shes not what I want in a girl (shes not a very affectionate, emotional girl).I know she loves me but the way shes been pulling away I just cant help but feel like there's an underlying issue between us and its killing me because I love her with all my heart :(I don't know what to do...
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 October 2013):
 Maybe she is not what you want in a girl. Now that you live with her you see her true colors. Some people just want to have that living together experience, without really being sensitive to your needs. Has it been a month since you last had sex? Are you trying to suggest that she shacked up with you for the convenience of joint income?
It's bad to live with a person that only adds to your anxiety.
A
male
reader, Sensativeguy010 +, writes (8 October 2013):
Sensativeguy010 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlright so just to retouch when I have my episodes of anxiety she doesn't know about them because I hide it. To her, I am the same person with or without anxiety. So the fact that my anxiety is pushing her away is false. And I let her lead the relationship because I know I can be too clingy of a person so i back off. I just don't get it its like all her passion is gone. She barely ever texts me anymore and when she does its not even like she wants to just talk its more like shes texting me about small issues that I need to be aware of...Its like she never texts me just to say hello or I love you or how is your day. And we barely ever have sex or ANY intimacy at all, It's Like she treats me more like a friend/roommate than a boyfriend/fiance...of course on the other hand I don't have a lot of long term relationship experience so idk what things should be like after the honeymoon phase. I guess basically the reason for all of this is because from the start of the relationship she was head over heals for me and now its just like shes bored of me....I haven't changed at all, and the fact that shes not affectionate....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 October 2013):
 No disrespect meant , but you sound a bit high maintenance emotionally and that would make MOST people try and pull away. I suspect that she is pulling away - because you push. Generally it goes like this, the more one partner pushes to have things going in a certain way and make the second partner behave in a specific way ( that's against the second person's nature and inclinations ) , the more the second paartner pulls away- to defend her/ his mental and emotional space and to not feel so crowded and besieged.
You say yourself that you've got separation anaxiety- but you seem to fail realizing that this is YOUR issue, and you should not try to make it hers. Maybe you have in mind what in your view would be the proper, natural reaction for a loving partner when you have these separation anxiety attacks... she should be sweet, reassuring, crank up the cuddles , the affection-.... but that's not the most immediate, natural reaction for many people,both cold or warm. It feels infact contrived and artificial, more what a mom would do with a scared child, than what goes on between two adult partners who trust each other, and do not need constant love proofs and validations.
She probably just needs her mental and emotional space, and for you to accept that she loves you, she wants to marry you, she wants to live with you- but she does not want to be all yours, body mind and spirit, 24 / 7. Let her have breathing room.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (5 October 2013):
I am not an emotional girl either and what you call pulling away could be just chilling out and regrouping. It could also be that when you have separation anxiety she feels like pulling away because it stresses her out. It's important that you both accept each other's personalities. Don't put up a macho face and suppress your feelings. Don't misunderstand her coolness as disinterest and pulling away. Hopefully in time you balance each other out. You can be a man and be emotionally expressive at the same time. Being that way does not cancel out your other manly qualities. You also allow her time to be herself. She can only rejoin you later if you let her go have her space.
Don't fall into that "man must be this way, woman must be this way" trap. It is a recipe for frustration in a relationship, and it's also very restrictive.
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