A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone. I need some serious opinions on this. I met this guy at work three years ago. We worked together and he had pursued me in the beginning. He kept asking me out and I told him no. I just was not interested. Eventually I transferred to a different location and a few months later he followed as well. Even at the new location he kept on pursuing me, and I eventually gave in. I took his number and decided to call him. He never answered that day, but the next day he sent me a text message before I had to go to work. He told me that he didn't answer because his son was sick and in the hospital. I told him I hoped his son got better and let it go. Well then he started calling me everyday and texting me. He made me feel special. I left my job due to harrassment from my boss and two other co-workers, but the guy and I never stopped contact. We hung out a few times and I really started to like him. Then one day he told me he loved me. I said the same back because I really did. We were going out for a little over eight months. I never thought things would take a drastic turn but they did.He started disappearing for like three days and then would pop up out of nowhere like nothing was wrong. He wouldn't answer my phone calls or texts until the next day, and sometimes it would be two or three days later. He would stop calling me pet names, and even when I kissed him he pulled back a little. I had never experienced anything like this before, because he was my first real boyfriend. I am 24 and he is 30. Age never mattered to me. The way he treated me did. We even stopped going places. Then he calls me up asking if he can see me, and I say no because I have other plans that involve some shopping. He asks if he can take me and I tell him no, that I have a ride. He said he would call me back, but he never did. Well my cousin was not able to show up so I give him a call. I left a voicemail asking if he could take me. I was waiting for an answer, but he never called back. Then around four in the morning I get a call from some woman asking for me by name. She then asks me if I know a certain someone by name. I respond with a yes. She then asks me if we had something going on, and I told her I believe we do. Well when I ask her if she is his girlfriend she replies with "something like that". I asked her what that meant and she had no reply. She then said that was all she wanted and hung up on me. I was so angry. This was on a friday and a few days before my birthday and valentines day (my birthday is in February). I called him all weekened but he never answered the phone. Then when my birthday came he had the nerve to send me a text message telling me happy birthday, and that he was sorry for what he had done. So I called him up and asked him why would he send me that. He said he just wanted to wish me a happy birthday. He said he was going to tell me about her. He told me that she had moved in with him because she had nowhere to go. They have four kids together. He actually has six by three different women. He said they wanted to work things out so that she could reduce child support. I just hung up on him. I made no contact with him for a month and then I get a phone call from him. He states that he misses me. He wants me back in his life and knows he f**ked up. I told him we can be friends. He said he was fine with that.Well, things have become complicated because we have kissed a few times but I have never let it go further than that. I have told him that we cannot keep doing this if she is back in the picture. He states that they are just roommates living together. I find this hard to believe since he has been with her since he was 15 and she was 17. He also told me that she still has him on child support and he gives her money willingly to spend on the kids and whatever else. I told him he is stupid to allow this woman to use him like that. He told me she dogs him out everyday, and treats him like garbage (which is true because when he answers his phone around me and it is her she is calling him every name in the book, and threatening to keep him from his kids). He says he is miserable, but won't leave because of the kids. This is what I don't understand. If she is getting child support, why is she staying with him? If he takes care of his kids willingly, why is he paying child support? She won't even reduce child support. He claims he still cares about her but does not love her. I try to make him see that she does not care about him or love him at all. He claims she does not work and does not want to. Yet he allows her to stay in his life like that and is willing to give her money. He is allowing himself to be treated like a bank by her, and he won't let her go. I told him I am a good woman, and I believe in treating people how I want to be treated. His situation is not love. It is dysfuctional and full of drama. I don't understand how he can want to be with someone like her, even allow her to live with him for what? She was living somewhere else before this, but now claims she has nowhere else to go? I just need some help and guidance. I feel so lost and drained. He is so stupid to pass over a good person like me for drama and bs. I am working again, I take care of myself, I have no kids, I can hold a conversation, and I know how to treat the one I love. I guess I am not good enough, because she is still there and I am alone in my place wondering why her and not me.I know this is long, but I am so upset that I have been crying for some days. I cry because I wish I had never met him. I cry because he doesn't realize what a good woman I am and chooses someone toxic to be with. I cry because I am so tired of liars. He claims if he would have told me the truth I would have never talked to him. I told him of course I would not. What would be the point? So that I can feel my heart breaking over and over again? This is the most painful situation I have been in. I know I need to let go, but how? Some of you may say I can't love him, but I do. Unless you have been in my shoes then you do not know how I feel. I feel like my other half is gone, and I want him back but only with me. I don't know.
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at work, co-worker, cousin, liar, money, moved in, my boss, roommate, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for responding. The truth is I want this to work, but he needs to man up and let her go. If she is causing him so much turmoil, then why not just tell her to get out?
I hung out with him this past friday, and he was telling me how he wants to make sure that if he leaves her I won't come into the picture and then leave when things get too hard. I told him how I felt, and I am going to wait this out to see where it goes.
Until then, I am going to date other men just in case this situation never goes anywhere. Why put all my energy into one situation when I can enjoy life? Life is too short.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2010): Hello,
I understand you're confused about this whole ordeal, and who can blame you.
He wasn't honest and open with you from the beginning. Yes, he thought you wouldn't associate with him if he did tell you the truth and he should have given you that right.
He states he's in a bad relationship, there's children involved etc. His roomate has no where to go etc.
He can be with you and still take care of his kids without living with her. You've explained she's "toxic", and if that's the case he should leave there,or vice versa.
He needs to make up his mind on what he's going to do. Its unfair you are going through all this not truly knowing what's going on. You mentioned she called you before and hinted more or, less she was his gf. That's a huge red flag.
I understand you're in love with him, but he needs to decide what he's going to do. You can't wait around in this type of prediciment. Its unfair to say the least.
If he's not willing to do what's right then it might be time to move ahead with your life.
Good luck
;D
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