A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have recently been dating this guy from work. I know he isn't treating me the best right how, but I need some input to understand whether I should give up or give it another chance.Here are the details:-We were friends for a year before dating.-He later told me he had a crush on me the whole time.-The first time he asked me out, things were really good. We would hang out a couple times a week and text in between. He told me he missed me, complimented me, wanted to see me in general. Then he got busy at work and I saw him way less, but it's not like he was doing anything fun, he was at work. Then he went home for a week to visit and didn't contact me at all. When he returned I confronted him and he said he couldn't 'give himself' to me and had to make sure he was ready, he was over his ex, etc. Ok.-About 2 months pass and we hung out a few times in between (we work together so we still had to see each other anyway). He said he was ready. We started going out again.-it's been 1 or 2 months since then and it hasn't been great. We have only hung out 4 times in person, and a few of those times were in groups of friends. He went home for 10 days and only texted me once to say Merry Christmas, no calls. He will talk if I text first but he never starts it. I haven't seen him in 3 weeks but he has hung out with friends at least twice. We finally made plans, but I had to ask, again.Obviously, this is not good. All signs say he isn't interested in me... but if he doesn't like me, why did he even ask me out again? He was free. When we are in person things are great, it's like there were never any problems... but when I see him once a week or less AND we don't talk or text in between, obviously there are issues.So: should I just give up? Should I talk to him, give it another chance? He obviously values his friends more than me and I know he's busier than I am at work, but in my experience if you like someone you will do what you need to do to see them/make them feel wanted. That isn't happening, clearly, but is it temporary? Any input is MUCah appreciated. Thank you!
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at work, christmas, crush, his ex, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, Honeypie. I know you're right, and I wasn't planning to wait for him. But if he decided that he WAS ready, and I still happen to not be seeing anyone, I would consider it. Of course, I would have needed to see changes before that happened.Is that dumb? Maybe. But why would he tell me that he was ready/why would he ask me out again if he actually wasn't? Sex was never on the table and he knew that, so, I dunno...As for the working together thing. I agree. This is the first and probably the last time I'd date a coworker. It isn't as bad as you would think, though. He's actually a great friend (I mean that's why I gave him a chance to begin with!). Who knew that would turn into a crappy date?Anyway, all I can do is keep moving forward. Find someone else. Thanks!
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 January 2015):
 I wouldn't even WAIT for him to "decide".
The guy says you two can hang out... WHEN HE is available... to me that means when he is horny or bored. NOT because he WANTS to spend time with you. WHY sit around and WAIT for this guy? He isn't looking for a relationship.
Move on to someone who is.
And may I suggest.... Nest time you date a guy, find one you don't work with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your answers. I wanted to start a conversation with him about everything I've been thinking, so when we hung out I said "will I see you more than once a month now?" And he said "when I'm available, yes." And later I said "what do you consider us to be?" And he said "I don't know." I said, "what are we doing?" And again he said "I don't know."
I take this all to mean that he isn't really interested inpursuing anything, though it's weird because he was interested before. Maybe you guys are right and he isn't over his ex. I don't know the reason but I do know that I'm not interested in this if it won't end up with us being in a committed relationship (which, do you think it might?). So I've decided to just let it go and the next time he wants to hang out, whenever that may be, I will tell him that I'm not interested in something casual. He can make his decision from there.
Such a shame, I reaaallly hoped that this would work out. I'm very confused. You guys really helped, thank you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2015): Love realize your worth dont down grade yourself to nobody's consumptions of you people never change because we want them to they change because they want to .He really don't can't about your feeling because if he did he would treat you like the Queen that you are .So with that being said lose that loser he don't deserve you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): A guy getting over a relationship is a little different from a female. Men may date and go out like nothing happened. We hide our true feelings, and get flaky now and then. Our feelings and emotions tend to catch up with us no matter how deep we try to bury them. We prefer to suffer in isolation. For all practical purposes, we want our exes to think we're doing just great! Nothing could be further from the truth!!! He's an emotional wreck!
It's really not a good time to date him.
He is not going to be very responsive; and he's getting used to not having to "check-in" with anyone, or account for all his time and activities. THAT FEELS GOOD!!! He needs and deserves it. No matter who broke-up with whom, or why! He shouldn't have told you he was ready. He isn't!
Especially; when once upon a time, he was constantly answering a blitz of messages every few minutes on the hour, and now he's free from all that.
In all fairness to you, it is rude to ignore someone, granted. However; he is in the healing process after a breakup, and he's totally screwed up. Even if he seems to have it on the ball in every other sense. He's in denial if he thinks he's okay.
At the end of a day, we go home, and the empty house rips us apart. Dating someone doesn't alleviate the grief, it's just a small bandage over a gaping wound in his heart.
He'll seem rude, and sometimes quite erratic in his behavior. Truth be told, he's not over his last relationship, and he's on the rebound. Yes, he's spending a lot of time with friends. They are his support-system. They know him well, and how he might be feeling about his breakup. They are consoling him and trying to get his mind off his loss. They are being good friends and trying to add some normalcy to his life. Been there and done that! It's not always cut and dry. You only see the surface of things!
I jump in to comment sometimes; because there often isn't anyone giving a male's point of view. We always get a bad wrap from over-generalized negativity towards male behavior.
We just don't do things like women. Even gay men are totally different in our approach to emotional issues.
During work hours, you see him off and on throughout the day. In his mind, he doesn't want to push things with you faster than he can keep up. He's a little off-track and he doesn't really realize he's hurting someone's feelings in the process. He is finally able to be selfish and focus on his own feelings. He was a bit premature in trying to get back into dating. Someone in their early twenties wouldn't necessarily have the wisdom to know better.
I honestly do wish other things would be taken into consideration. Men may hide them, but we do have feelings!
We are not mindless fools always thinking with our dicks!
I'm highly offended when that is always given as the reasoning behind a guy's lapses in judgement or communication. Even if that is totally the case here, it isn't always the case!!! You can't pile everything in a bucket and dump it on all guys; because that's how many women sum up our behavior.
We have mothers, and no longer have to be in by curfew. Once we're men, we shouldn't have to account for every minute, or constantly reassure a nervous female, or guy (pertaining to gay men), that we just got busy. Maybe we're deeply involved in responding to concerned calls and messages from family and other friends. The news gets around. Somehow everyone knows you broke-up with someone. If we are out to dinner or sitting at home with our parents; it's not always polite to pull out our phones every freaking minute! SOMETIMES WE JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE IT!
The phone reminds us of the person we broke-up with, and you just want to ignore it sometimes!
Where's he going? You know where he lives and where he works.
You shouldn't give-up! NO NO NO!!! That's not my point.
You shouldn't let your feelings get ahead of you. Perhaps you should back-off a little, and give him time. Not for his sake, for your own sake.
Yes, he may have mentioned he always had a crush on you, but he also got dumped by another woman; and that left some nasty scars. He may have made a lot of mistakes with her, and his head is full of regret and confusion. He also may feel a lot of guilt, if he was at fault. His ego is crushed, his feelings are on a roller-coaster; and yet he still likes you.
I recommend you keep sex out of the situation, until you feel secure enough knowing he's showing you reasonable respect, and giving you the props you deserve.
You can set your on time-limitations and go by your own rules. You don't have to stick around if you're not getting the feedback you need and deserve. Just don't male-bash and attribute everything you're experiencing to be typical of his gender; and stereotyping all guys as dogs and douche bags toward women. We do get hurt when we break-up; and like women, we have emotional relapses and that puts our emotions in a tailspin.
Protect your heart. If you think he's too flaky right now,
by all means; do what's best for you!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 January 2015):
 Based on the way he's been behaving? I'd let him go back into the dating pool.
Don't sit around waiting for him.
You know this isn't the way a guy who wanted to be with you would treat you.
Move on and under no circumstances apologize to him or anyone else for doing so! Be strong!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 January 2015):
Have you talked to him about this? When you DO spend time together? Have you said, I want to see you more then once a week. I want more TIME with you. I want to be a priority in your life AS you ARE to me.
If you have then I'd try a different approach.
How about for the next month or so, you STOP rowing the "relationship boat". SEE if he picks up the oars and start rowing or if it just run out into the sand.
That way you will have a month to figure out if you WANT this to work and WHAT you NEED from him, and IF he is even capable and willing to "give" that to you.
My guess is, he isn't over the ex. He treats you more like a friend/FWB than a GF. I mean he goes home for 10 days and you get ONE text? Not saying that he should call or text you constantly, as he was obviously home and spending time with family, but it shows that when you are out of sight, you are out of mind. A minor priority. That isn't really how a guy in love acts. IMHO
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