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I just want to be happy for my sister, not jealous!

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 July 2016) 4 Answers - (Newest, 31 July 2016)
A female United States age 22-25, *ountrygirl1993 writes:

So this could end up making me seem like a mean person so if that happens I apologize in advance.

So I got a text today from my older sister announcing that she is pregnant. We've had a rocky relationship for the past 8 years,she's made some pretty bad choices that have made dramatic impacts on my family and all her problems took over our lives and she was the main focus with my parents because they were constantly battling with her and so it was me and my little sister usually by ourselves (me being 14 and my little sister being 10).

Anyway got off track. So with this news I want to be so happy for my sister but her boyfriend has no interest in trying to interact with my family, he doesn't come around,and when my sister comes over to my parents house her boyfriend texts her constantly asking where she is and when she'll be home and won't leave her alone.

I love babies and kids but I'm battling with being a little jealous of my sister because one year ago (the 23rd was exactly one year) i gave birth to my baby girl who unfortunately was still born.

So I guess my question is, how do I stop being jealous and just be happy for my sister?

View related questions: jealous, text, want to be happy

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (31 July 2016):

chigirl agony auntHonestly, if I were you, I'd just be jealous and not happy for her. Why should you be happy? You lost your own child not that long ago, you're still grieving, and your sister has always been one to get attention as you wrote. Im sure she will go on just fine with her life without you being happy for her.

If you're not happy for her, why try to force it? We're all just humans, we're not perfect, we don't always feel the "appropriate" feelings. What you do instead is be polite and fake it when you're around her.

My kid brother got a child some years ago, and I wasn't happy about that either. Like your sister, he was always getting attention and he was the main focus of everyone in my family because he suffered an illness, so everyone was always asking me about him, talking about him, calling me to talk about him... not asking me about how I was doing. I was fed up with it. While I love him, I just couldn't care about him becoming a father. And when the kid was born, honestly, between us here on the anonymous internet, I didn't care. I still really don't care that much. But I don't let it show. I just smile, act polite, and play with the kid when I visit. Same as I do with any other random kid I meet, because I honestly don't know the child that well. If there is no personal bond from interaction, it wont just suddenly appear because we are related.

And honestly, I was jealous. I felt he took my place. He never said anything about wanting a child, but I had always wanted one. My mother had also been nagging on me for years and years about me giving her a grandchild, not once did she nag on my brother. Everyone just expected me to be the one to have children, not him, so I expected it myself also. I had it all pictured in my head. Then he went ahead and changed "my" plans, so to speak. He just met a girl in a blink of an eye after never having had a relationship before in his life, and then less than a year later they were living together and pregnant and getting married soon. While I, like you, had been in relationships for years, relationships that appeared to go nowhere with men who didn't know what they wanted in life, and being no where near planning a family together. I felt it wasn't fair that he just gave it ONE shot, and hit bulls eye in finding his perfect partner right away.

So yeah, I can say I am happy for him, yeah good for him. But I wont say that it brings be great joy exactly. It's good that he's in a good place in life, but I don't wake up every morning feeling joyous because my brother has a kid.

So I say, go ahead, be jealous. Your sister will survive even so. Just be polite when around her, you don't need to do or feel much else.

One final little point: your sister is obviously in a crappy and controlling relationship, so maybe thinking about that helps you feel a little better. She doesn't have "it all".

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2016):

Loosing a child is so incredibly sad and is not something you get over easily!

Giving birth to a still born child is tragic because your hopes are alive right up until the moment you loose your child and ontop of that your hormones are akl geared up for happiness and you are totally unprepared for the inevitable sadness.

Plus you feel terribly isolated as you are surrounded by happy mums and crying babies!

A support group is useful at this time and there must be one for mums of still born babies because there is the need for a funeral and a certificate and you have to overcome the feeling that your body betrayed you and that nature dealt you a backhanded blow!

However the baby gets named anyway, christened if there is time!

How you are treated can vary and this is where support groups help because you need to grieve!

Now that the day has arrived that your sister is pregnant just keep your fingers crossed that it goes ok and you can smile at a little one here on earth!

Pregnancies can be conbtagious so now is a good time to get busy!

Get down and get dirty as they say!

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (27 July 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntIt is okay to feel sad about your own misfortune. Smile and tell your sister you are happy for her. It is not her fault that your baby died. I am sure it was hard for you and your family when you lost your baby. But this is a happy time for your sister, and you should pray that you have a healthy niece or nephew. What you went through was horrible and if the news of your sister being pregnant is making you feel jealous well then maybe the best thing that you can do is go and look for some counselling on grief.

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A female reader, Pureflame  +, writes (27 July 2016):

I'm so sorry for your lose.

It's okay to feel what you feel.

But here's the thing, I understand how you feel about your relation with your sister. I really do.

It's only natural to feel the lil pang of jealousy. But if you really want to be happy for your sister, then just be. She is a different person and so are you.

Noone can take that special place up, but you do seem to have a lot of love to give. Then just be yourself. I can't tell you if it gets better, but I can tell you, it all depends on which feeling you choose to focus on that decides how you're gonna be towards that baby and your sister.

You could either love them and be a part of their life or choose otherwise. It's your choice.

I wish you the very best :)

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