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How do I get over extreme loneliness?

Tagged as: Friends with Benefits, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 July 2016) 6 Answers - (Newest, 29 July 2016)
A female United States age 18-21, anonymous writes:

I talked to a guy on Tinder for about a month and after dating a week, we hooked up multiple times. He was interested in something sexual immediately and initially I was only seeking something romantic and a possible relationship. I hadn't been with a man in over a year and I was extremely lonely. I missed male attention and craved to have a man's touch. A hug, a kiss, cuddling, screwing... all of it.

Shortly after a few times, hr seemed to be losing interest and even backed out of two dates he said he would take me on. The next couple of days, I kept initiating contact to hang out and hookup again. I told him that I missed the warmth of a man and that it was okay if he only wanted to play around, even though deep down I was lying to myself. I figured that would be enough if I couldn't find anyone that wanted to be in a relationship with me.

He said he was cool with it and promised he'd contact me today to have some fun with me, but he hasn't said anything. I know he's off work and he said he was completely open today, so why tease me like that? I don't regret what we did but it wasn't enough. I want more kisses and touches. His body wrapping itself over mines. I have no one else and it'll be a long time before I find another guy I'm comfortable enough to give myself to. I'm considering being with a man I'm not attracted to just to have company.

Did this guy try to be funny and I was too desperate to realize it? How can I deal with this intense feeling of loneliness? I feel like such a loser.

Edit: Excuse my grammar and this title. My phone won't let me edit it...

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A female reader, fishdish United States + , writes (29 July 2016):

fishdish agony auntDating is harder than it is portrayed in media, and there are a lot of times it can be lonely, especially if you go in assuming that hitting it off with each person is the norm, but I think the best way to think about everytime you DO experience connection is to celebrate it. Don't inflate it or ponder the implications of the connection, just celebrate that you felt connection. This particular connection has run its course. That's okay. Even if it has fizzled (for him), doesn't it on some level feel good that you FELT something other than lonely? Dating is a numbers game. I think it's best to go about dating with multiple dates on the backburner. So a Friday date goes south? Fine, maybe Saturday's will be better. You also might find someone who's a little more romantically inclined during your hunt. I think one benefit of going out with multiple people is that extreme loneliness can be replaced with extreme exhaustion. You might go home alone, but you might actually WELCOME that reprieve because you've been so busy. Diversify your social life, and do things that are not in the romantic field as well, like a hobby where you can connect with others.

I would also get off Tinder. Tinder is not exactly the place I'd look for deep connection. OKCupid at least implies a date before physical stuff! Good luck!

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (28 July 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntI felt a wave off sadness reading your post, you feel so lonely that you would just allow this man to use you so that you have a bit of closeness with someone, even though you want the full package you will make do with just sex from this man. Sweetie try and be more strong. I don't think he was messing with you, but he probably saw you wanted more and probably thought hooking up wasn't the smartest idea. Also it could be that he has a few girls on the go and you where just not on the top of his list on his day off. Now I don't say this to upset you, the reason I am telling you this is so that you don't waste your time being a hook up for him. From the sound of your post you will hook up with this guy and you will want more and that will make you feel even lonelier. Sweetie hold out for someone who wants to be with you, it will be worth it I promise.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2016):

If you wanted a relationship, you should have made that clear from the beginning instead of hooking up. But you are NOT a loser. Common mistake...

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (27 July 2016):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntThis guy you've met... clearly had something - one thing, only - on his mind. YOU tipped your hand and were too willing to be intimate with him, too soon after meeting.

HE has gotten all he ever wanted from this brief "relationship".. and now he feels free to move on to his next conquest.

YOU have the ashes of what you hoped would become a real relationship....

Next time, pick better guys (yea, how????).... and don't be so accommodating of their sexual advances...

Good luck...

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (27 July 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntIt took you barely any time to get comfortable enough with this guy and he's not what you want. Imagine if you were actually compatible!

OP, rushing things gets people into dodgy situations, which is what this is. You may not regret it, but you don't want the same things and you're setting yourself up to get hurt.

I really think you should leave the guy and find someone who wants the same. I'd also advise waiting longer to be intimate, so that you don't end up in this situation again. If you don't break up the arrangement now, it'll just get messier.

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada + , writes (27 July 2016):

BrownWolf agony aunt

How exactly are you a loser??? Why...because you would not have sex right away with a guy you just met, or the fact that you are doing the right thing by wanting a relationship instead of being a booty call? You would have felt like a loser if you had slept with him, and he didn't talk to you anymore.

As for your loneliness...why? Millions of men out there...you met one jerk and that did not work, so now what? Go find another. Spending your time thinking about how bad you feel is not helping you get a man. Spending time looking for a man will help.

Do not think for second that sitting there and wishing you had someone means, out of nowhere you will get it....That is like wishing you could win the lottery, but never buying a ticket.

Men are always chasing after women...so...what are you doing to make them chase you?

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