A
female
age
36-40,
*tlasshrug
writes:What is there to do in this situation?My boyfriend is a hopeless flirt and the life of the party. I find it incredibly uncomfortable being in public with him. What on earth can I do?At parties, he engages everyone, except me. He has said that he thinks of us as a team and has a hard time addressing me directly because he doesn't want others to feel left out by our exclusiveness. Not that that would even be a legitimate concern. But it is hard for me to get in the conversation when he is dominating and talking over me. I'm not a wallflower at all, when he is not around I have a great time. But that makes me so sad, I want to have a great time WITH him. And I want people to see that we have a good relationship and that we care for each other. I try not to care what others think of me, but I find his actions towards me in public to be neglectful, disrespectful and frankly embarrassing. I feel so boxed out. Usually at gatherings, I end up just going off on my own and having a good time. I don't see him until the end of the night. Even at my own birthday party, he was schmoozing with everyone else, I didn't even see him. He has a need to make sure women are having a good time and are taken care of. He makes sure they have drinks and walks them all out and goes to weird extremes to make sure they have everything they could want. He babies them. I end up feeling very neglected, and awkward that my boyfriend is doing all of these things for other women. He jokes with them about their idiosyncrasies, they are often flattered. I had to even end one friendship because she got so smitten with him, it was embarrassing. He is a good person and we have been together for five years, mostly happy times when we are alone. I have no reason to think that he would cheat. We've talked about how his behavior makes me feel and appears to others (his friends have noticed it). He says he tries really hard no to be too engaging with women, but he feels obligated to make sure everyone is having a good time. But it has become really frustrating and has created a lot of distance between us. I try not to talk about it with anyone, because I don't want to compromise the relationship, so I appreciate you all reading this. I'm afraid these are things that cannot be changed and essentially I must continue to be completely separate from him in public or officially separate from him in public. All I wanted was a little TLC... Am I missing somehting?
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (23 September 2012):
I usually try to look at both sides, but when I look at his side, all I see is an insecure person who is more selfish than anyone I know. Rather than make an effort to change his ways, he still continues to do so.
I consider the way a couple treats each other in public, just as important as the private life. If a girl treated me like this, then it is clear that she is not ready for a relationship. Firstly...very selfish behaviour on his part. Second of all, if you can't seem to remotely convince him that of his wrong behaviour then I just wouldn't see that problem going anywhere.
Relationships are in fact about compromises. No one is perfect and we all understand that. Both men and women often do things we do not like to do, but we do them anyway FOR the person we are with. I feel like what i am saying has been repeated a trillion times in the course of my life everywhere in the world but..oh well.
I haven't much a clue on what to tell you...other than talking to him and asking him to make more of an effort. Quite frankly I would vouch for breaking up with the guy.
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (23 September 2012):
 Hi
It is extreme behaviour yes, plus he knows it upsets you.Its one thing being a good host its another thing altogether ignoring you and openly flirting etc with other women.
Its clear you don't expect his undevided attention,but you ARE a couple so you would think he would be at your side and making sure your having a good time, got a drink etc, and to be circulating as a couple at least SOME of the time.Especially at your own birthday party.
I can understand why its caused problems,doesn't matter that he's ok in private,that your mainly happy there,he is doing something thats upsetting you,being disrespectful. I would officially separate if he is not prepared to moderate this 'host with the most' behaviour.Could be the wake-up call he needs ~ depends if this has been ongoing from the start or its a new thing.
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