A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Woe is me ...not really but kind of-I met an amazing guy about 3 weeks ago while I was visiting family. I used to live in this city and I often consider relocating back so that isn't an issue. He and I hit it off well because we both are sober and long members of 12 step. Same Age and lots in common. He told me he is in the midst of finalizing a divorce and still living in the same house (basement room) with his wife and kids. I wasn't expecting much at this point and was flying back to Cali the next day but he consistently texted me and i wrote back, the face timed added me on social media. I know I'm not a "secret" .He ended up having a client to see out here last week and asked to take me out. Everything happened sorta fast but i said YES. SO we went to dinner and hung out and we ended up sleeping together too. Again, it was just a whirlwind. HE was great to me and a gentlemen and I was feeling happy but...I realized the day he left this is probably dangerous area. He's still tied to the wife and kids and the divorce aint there yet. IN fact was I doing something wrong sleeping with a "Separated MAN"?IM super naive about these things.He said he's moving out Dec 1. I have no idea when the divorce is over. We talked last night and i told him maybe we should cool it for now. HE agreed. Im terribly sad tho and I don't know if I acted too quickly or if I finally did the right thing. Anyone with experience in this or any idea what else I should do I would love the advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2019): It seems like at least he has been very honest with you from the start. The reality is that if he IS single (and it sounds like he is, sharing a house is still possible - sleeping in the basement while single...and the marriage IS over then I don't see why he can't date. Many separated couples must share house for a while for financial reasons or to keep contact with the kids while custody is figured out. I WOULD take things slowly and make sure that all is worked out *but* I wouldn't count him out just because he is going through this situation. Be vigilant, be careful, make sure his ex knows about you (sounds like she does) and that he introduces you to his friends. Take it slowly. In a few months he may have the ties cut (although always there for the kids).
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 October 2019):
 I think slowing down is the right thing.
1. HE is still married, legally.
2. HE is still living with his wife and kids, doesn't matter WHERE in the house.
3. He lives in a different city, thinking about relocating for a man after 3 weeks is just... nuts. (sorry)
Moving out (him) is the next logical step. NOT dating around or chasing someone new. HE needs to work through WHY they ended up divorcing, what and how to move forward for the family and for him.
I would NEVER in a million years "date" a guy who ISN'T single. Because he CAN NOT invest in the relationship fully. Sure he can "play house" with someone else (besides the wife) but that is all it really is, LEGALLY and MORALLY.
You don't KNOW him after 3 weeks. Sure, you share a lot in common (and that IS a good thing for the most part) but you have BARELY seen the tip of the iceberg here.
Maybe the fact that there is geographical distance will help you both. He needs to "clean house" and you need to think before you leap.
Does it mean you can't keep in contact? No. But I wouldn't sit on the shelf and WAIT for him to maybe... possibly... perhaps divorce the wife.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2019): You met just three weeks ago? How do you come to the conclusion he's so amazing in the such a short span of time? Unless you mean he's male, breathing, and has a heartbeat? Throw-in heterosexual for good-measure!
Anyhow, he's still married. Anything could happen, like an unforeseen reconciliation. She could decide to become a thorn in your sides; using his kids as a pawn. He's amazing on the surface, but you found a wife and kids beneath the first layer. Odd he forgot to tell you he was married with kids! Was it an afterthought?
Pull-back your feelings, sweetheart! You're on the road to recovery and this is too risky. There is too much potential for baby-mama drama, and his marital-status is too unpredictable. That divorce may never happen. Your frustrations may drive you back to abusing alcohol or substances.
Part of full-recovery is making sensible decisions; and avoiding situations that can easily set you back, or cause a relapse. This situation is far too risky for a recovering alcoholic.
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