A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi guys, im back since over a few years. been soul searching and i think i’m in a better place now relationship-wise. chatting about the past with my X, just now, brought up memories of this friend ‘Y’ (both our friend) who was truly my first real love but didn’t progress to a romantic relationship. my X was jealous if Y and he felt Y had feelings for me. just now (after 20yrs) i admitted to my X that i realized i did have feelings for X back then but didnt take it seriously because i was immature. In that time to now, I did have a talk with Y about it, we both admitted our feelings for each other but he decided to not be with me because he doubted my sincerity and he was interested in someone else who he ended up marrying and having kids with. I haven’t felt hurt for 7yrs now and vowed to build my own life without him in the picture. At all. However, after accidentally seeing photos of his family from someone else’s facebook and conversation with my ex of what he knew about this guy’s feelings for me back then, I feel this pain in my heart again.I’m with a good man for 2yrs now, that I feel is right for me and i love being around with, however it will never be that same level of emotions as that first love. I dont think i will ever find that kind of connection again. I have tried and met different people and this guy Im with is the closest thing I could ever dream of. And hes willing to marry me. I want to be married and have a kid of my own. Its stupid to keep waiting when I have a good man now who will be there for me. Am I sinning against my boyfriend? I know that Y and I can never be together, I was just surprised that even after 20yrs., his name, his memories can still inflict pain in my heart. Am I not ready to be with someone yet, after all? Should I not marry this man? My child-bearing days (cant afford egg freezing etc options) will soon be over in 2yrs. I want to marry him and have babies next year. Confused and worried.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 October 2019):
 I fully agree with Codewarrior.
You are hanging onto a fantasy of a guy from AGES ago. Over time you have made him into this AMAZING guy who checks all your boxes, except... HE moved on, you haven't.
Now he MAY BE amazing still, but he is NOT the man you now has as your fantasy perfect man. Only in your mind. And he isn't available. I can wager that IF you two had a go at it you would find that he is not quite what you have been picturing him to be over all these years.
My first BF who was my first love as well WILL always hold a special place in my heart, but he isn't the man I ended up being with, marrying and having kids with. Would we have made it given the chance? Maybe, maybe not. IT doesn't matter. We BOTH moved forward.
If you keep looking over your shoulder and into the past you are going to MISS out on all the good stuff RIGHT in front of your face, your BF included. You can't live in "what if's" or " I wish I had.." land - it will JUST make you miserable. Because NOTHING compared to fantasy.
ENJOY life. LOVE the one you are with. Otherwise you are being unfair to him and yourself. If you can't do that? Let him go.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2019): Reminiscing and recalling old-time love-affairs from our teens and 20's is mostly fantasy. We go back to childhood and recall things we remember through innocence; we didn't have the benefit of experience and judgement like we have now. We live in the reality of the present.
I agree 100% with Code Warrior; that you're romanticising about the past, and you tend to spin melodramatic about love just as a schoolgirl around 16 would.
I assure you, no-one else; which includes X and Y, will recall anything about the past as you do. They've moved on; and I think they will humor you by telling you whatever you want to hear, when asked about it. Why burst your bubble? It's way back when; and if you want to hang-on to it fondly, that's your prerogative.
If you're seriously contemplating marriage and having a family; I urge you to step out of your imaginary romance novel dreamworld you're carrying around in your mind.
I'll cut to the chase. Comparing your girlish-feelings for former crushes into your present relationship is a clear indication you're stuck in the past. Time to grow-up!
You're distracted and caught-up in lala-land; while someone is seriously investing his time, trust, and romantic-energies into trying to demonstrate his love for you. You're out-there in the stratosphere talking about old infatuations for X's and Y's?!!
SNAP OUT OF IT!!! Get a grip, girlfriend!!!
That nonsense should have faded as you grew into womanhood. Stuff about how your unrequited-love never changes about some guy now married with kids. You're out of sight, out of mind! If asked, he'd recall you as a faded-memory; as anyone would of their childhood past through their 20's. Maybe not quite as dramatic and intense as you're making it out to have been.
Time to file those memories in the farthest regions of your subconscious, and appreciate what you have in the present for its full-value. Not for how it compares to something that never was. At our age, it borders on foolishness.
Don't accept a proposal from a man you consider a "consolation prize" or the guy you settled for in the place of the one who found somebody else he chose instead of you.
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