A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 23 year old, married, new mom. My mother contacted my husband after the baby was born and is wanting to get together. Now, he is pressing me to have my mom in our lives.I have not been on speaking terms with my mom for years. When I was 12, I was grounded for a week for something I did not do. Two days into the grounding, I was able to conclusively prove my innocence and clear my name. The grounding was lifted, but all I got from my mom was a "sorry about that", but no real remorse, just sort of this win some, lose some attitude. I was a straight A student who never got into trouble, but was entitled to no benefit of the doubt. Then, to be falsely accused and even for two days to be thought of at that level.I hated my mother totally from that point on. At 14, I moved in with my dad. We moved across country, then to Australia, and the U.K. as he works as a geologist for a major oil company. So, I've seen the world, but was never as happy as I was at home before my mom ruined everything. If she would have just taken a little more time and gotten her facts right instead of being shoot first and ask questions later. The happiness of my youth ended at 12.I moved back to the states, got married, and now have a son without having any contact with her. I didn't know she even knew where I was. Now, she's tugging at hubby's heart and he is pressuring me. How do I deal with this? How could I ever trust my mom again?
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female
reader, naughty girl  +, writes (3 April 2010):
Shocking and unbelieveable. Are you being serious?? Basically you are unable to forgive your mother for what amounts to almost nothing. You then became hateful bitter and twisted about an incident that amounts to nothing and cut her out of your life. You need to beg her for forgiveness. I hope her heart is bigger than yours. Drop this 'poor little me' story. Its a fuss about nothing and makes you look silly.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (3 April 2010):
 Do not bring up the past. You cannot change anything . You can catch up with each other and allow your mom into your child's life.
Your reunion will be an emotional one and you should not repressed your feelings for your mom. Just released those pent up feelings and be healed .
Life has a way of coming back in a full cycle. It is called Karma.
The reason she had to go through Scott was because she would know what to expect if she called you first.Honestly ,would you be that receptive if she called you ?Everything happens for a reason.
If you do 99 things right and 1 thing wrong, people will remember that 1 thing forever and forgets the other 99.
You can't see the forest for the trees.
A person can't see the forest (overall picture) because he/she concentrates too much on the details (trees).
You cannot judge a person from one single incident. That is an unfair method.If we do that, then we will not have any friends in the world.
Why judge your mom and punish her when she has sacrificed her time and love for you when you were small .
Now, that you are a mom , how do you feel being a mom and the love for your child? Did you sacrifice your time, effort and love on your child?
When the child grows up and you grounded your child, will the child be like you?
Let the past go and start a new beginning.
Wishing you a happy reunion with your mom!
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (3 April 2010):
 She's scared and frightened, much more scared than you. Your her life, her precious baby, she lost you once and she dosen't want to spoil this last chance that she's got to make things up to you.
She talks to Scott, because he loves you and she hopes that he can help her to make you less angry. Your mum and Scott put you first, it's only your needs, your wishes, your happiness that matters here. These are two people who love you very, very much.
Marieclaire got one thing right, I don't feel like I'm talking to a mature adult, I feel like I'm talking to a lost, confused child. There are gaps in your story.. She made you angry at 12, and 2 years later she agrees to let you go live with your dad... very strange, few mothers can do this without ripping out their heart and walking arround like the living dead.
I think you've been caught in the cross-fire of a divorce. Your mother is logical, your mother is plain, your mother likes action, she dose things, and if she can't change it, then she learns to accept.
Your father is a book man, a dreamer, not a suitable adult to bring up a young girl in her teens. I bet you took care of him more than he took care of you.
I bet you felt abandoned and messed about with adults. I bet you felt you had to grow up to fast and make adult decisions before you were ready. Mum was cool, mum was a fighter, who had to do the fighting when you went off to live with dad?
Anyway... lets move on, 11 years have passed, and we have a lifetime left to hug, kiss, cuddle, scream and get angry at mum. She can take everything you have to give and more, she's a fighter remember and she knows, "sometimes you have to break eggs if you want to make omletes." But please, please don't ever push her away again, this is pain and punishment more harsh than any prisioner gets, this is the worst kind of pain in the world.
What do you do next... easy, your happiness is the most important thing. You call her up and you make a date to meet. That's all you have to do to put a smile on this woman's face. Hearing your voice, getting to meet you is worth more than all the gold in the world.. :)
After that, do whatever you wish.. she wants to stay in your life, you can scream, you can shout, you can hit, you can cry, you can sit on her lap and ask her to kiss you, you can do whatever you like, she won't care, as long as she gets to speak to you, see you and touch you, she'll be happy as hell...
Good luck Mrs, you proved me wrong, you got a whole lifetime of loving to catch up with... you and your mum will learn to get along, mum will help you understand your baby and in this way you'll learn tons of things about forgiveness and true love...
Blessings.. you put a smile on my face and I wish you and your family all the happiness in the world.. :)
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (3 April 2010):
Damn you Q.. you win again.. pm me for your reward and it better be repeatable otherwise I'm gonna kick you in the head.
Good, good, good for you mrs.. now the healing begins and it will make you happy and whole again..
I'll be back after I deal with Q.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for writing and offering opinions, almost all of which seemed to come down on me pretty hard. But, hey, I asked. Right?Actually, I used to think my mom was the smartest person I knew and someone who really had their stuff together. She was pretty cool in a lot of ways. When the coach of my YWCA girls basketball team got sick, she bought a book on basketball, studied up, and filled in as coach for the rest of the year. She was cool with things like that.Daddy is cool too, but to be honest unless you are talking to daddy about rock formations and finding oil, he just looks at you in a confused sort of way. He is real smart, but sort of an absent-minded professor type.I always looked down on kids in school who were in trouble. I didn't want to be like them or even been seen speaking to them. Daddy always told me you can build a reputation over your whole life and then blow it all in a heartbeat. It really pissed me off to be thought of as being at the same level as kids who got into trouble. To this day, I don't know who set me up. I have always been one who can be the best friend you've ever had or a really bad enemy. I was like.. after all I do around here to help out and making good grades, and then this... I was like to hell with it all. The worst of all was mom's attitude of like 'you can't make an omlette without breaking some eggs' and life goes on while I was seething over this.But it has been a long time. If I do this thing, how do I do it? What do we talk about. Do we go indepth over what happened or not even discuss it? What if it gets real emotional? It would have been better if she had called me instead of working on me through Scott.If I get together with my mom, I will be real nervous. I am happy with my present but have a desire to reconcile it with my past. My life is like two half pieces that don't fit together, if that makes any sense.
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (2 April 2010):
 Parents aren't perfect, and they screw up, it's a fact of life. Even if they love you, that doesn't mean that they're inhuman and even parents who really love their children sometimes make terrible decisions! Furthermore, they realize their mistakes and often regret them.
I'm not going to judge you, but your behaviour is really hypocritical. I don't have children but I do understand that it breaks a mother's heart when her children don't want her. She made a stupid mistake, but you're making a stupid mistake in rejecting your mom.
I agree that your mom screwed up but she probably loves you, and if you continue to push her out of your life you will regret it so much. She's the only mother you'll ever have, and sadly, one day she'll be gone and it will be too late to have any kind of relationship with her. You're making a mistake, just like your mom did, but the difference is that you won't move on and you need to. You're pushing out your mom and when you distance yourself from her you're closing the door to something special that will be gone one day.
I'm not telling you this to make you feel lousy, but to spare you a lifetime of regret, and sadness.
Furthermore, you're being unfair to your kid. He deserves to know his grandparents. You cut your mom out of your life because of a stupid mistake that she made when you were a kid. Perhaps you shouldn't have been grounded, but imagine the anger that your son would feel toward you if you were to deprive him of the chance to know his own grandmother. Imagine how you would feel if your son were to grow up and cut off all contact with you because he was angry that you cheated him out of the chance to know his own grandmother! You brought your kid into the world, and it wouldn't be right not to put his best interests first. What you're doing is unfair to your kid, because his grandmother loves him and he's being denied the chance to have contact from someone who loves him very much because of your grudge.
I can understand your anger, but you have two choices. You can either move on with your life, or you can continue to push your mom out of it because you hold a grudge.
You're living in the past, and you need to make the most of the present, because things won't always be like this. Your mom is still around and she loves you, she realizes she screwed up and she's suffered heartbreak all these years as a result of your anger, but she is (hopefully) in good health, mentally and physically and in a position to get to know your son. Imagine for a moment that you're far into the future and your mom is gone and imagine that you continued pushing her out of your life until the day she died. Pretend for a moment that this scenario is the present reality. Imagine that your mom is gone and so is the opportunity to move on and patch things up with her... how do you feel? Angry? Or do you wish and wish you had done things differently?
You can control what you do now, as an adult. The future is going to be shaped by the decision we make now, in the present. The past is gone.
There's a difference between forgiveness, and refusing to drop a grudge.
Honestly my parents made some terrible mistakes that I will never forgive, but I don't hold a grudge. I realized that they made stupid mistakes and it makes me angry that their mistakes fucked my life up.
I'll tell you a couple of really stupid things they did:
I'm never going to forgive them for moving to North Carolina. You think being grounded sucks? Suppose you're a Florida girl, born and bred, you grow up around the water and the ocean, and one day your parents tell you that you're gonna go to North Carolina... that you'll be torn away from the life you loved and your friends, scholarship, teachers, even pets and spend the last two years of high school living in the sticks, at a school full of snobs where you have no friends? We nearly had to get rid of our dog, because the stupid bitch that rented us a house in North Carolina said that our dog was a "dangerous breed" (which is bs. There's no "vicious" breed, dogs become vicious because the idiots that abuse them make them vicious). My junior and senior years sucked.
Another horrible mistake... when I was in first grade they pulled me out of private school and dumped me in a HORRIBLE public school! I was miserable there, every day. The other kids bullied me and my teachers were idiots! My parents felt that I needed to learn how to adapt, but I'm an adult and I see they were wrong. I believe that children need to be in a place where they feel accepted and nurtured.
I won't digress any further, but I've learned something from all this. IF I ever have kids (big if!!!) I certainly won't repeat my parents' mistakes. If I even have kids I will have moved abroad permanently and foreign schools are much better than the ones here... otherwise I'd homeschool them or send them to private school.
It's easy for parents to say, "You're a kid and we're older and wiser and one day you'll understand why we did this." I'm an adult now and I realize that what my parents did was a mistake.
I'm always going to feel anger over the fact that their mistakes caused me to miss out on things that I should have had, but I've learned that life is too short to hold grudges. Even though I haven't fully forgiven them and never will, I don't shut them out of my life! They try to interfere with my decisions now, but I do what I've made up my mind to do even when they tell me not to, because I'm grown now and it's time for me to make decisions about my future. However, I don't shut them out of my life!
My mom isn't in the best health and almost died a few years ago, and it scares and overwhelms me to think of how lousy I'd feel if my last words were, "I hate you." Because I understand the heartbreak of watching my mom dying (she's in remission now)I have a lot of insight most people my age don't have. Most people haven't had to face the possible loss of a parent at my age, and I was much younger at the time (19) and no one should have to experience what I experienced. I'm not saying this so people will feel sorry for me; I'm saying this so you'll understand my perspective.
Look what my parents did to me! They completely fucked up my life... c'mon, you know that's much worse than being grounded. In spite of all that I found it in my heart to love them in spite of their stupid mistakes and I moved on with my life. Your mom made one mistake... but I'm sure that she's worked hard and sacrificed for you, bought you gifts and clothes with love, made food for you with love, taken care of you. Doesn't that put it in perspective?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): I was 5 years old.I don't even remember doing something wrong.I was beaten till I fainted.My dad was horrified.He was away on business at that time.My sister couldn't save me.She was not that big herself.she told dad.He made sure it never happened again in my life.I have forgiven her.I still talk with her on phone.I go to meet her once a year with my kids(we live too far away from each other).I just wanted to let you know what kind of parents are out there.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (2 April 2010):
mmmm.. a poker call.. I'll play.. you got kings, but I am holding aces, we'll never hear from her again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): Wow. Two words, "GROW UP!!!"
Seriously, you've held a grudge over being grounded when you were a kid this long. Get some psychiatric help, you need it!
Life is too short for this kind of BS. Move on. Family is important, as you should know now that you are a mother. Try thinking what it would feel like if your child didn't talk to you for a decade, all because you grounded them "falsly" for a couple of days.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (2 April 2010):
We are not going there.. we are not going to compare the worst parents in the world, because Q always cheats at competitions...
Many of us have been hurt and betrayed by parents, in ways that you can't even imagine.. but we forgive, and forgive, and sometimes it's worth it and sometimes it's not..
But for us that suffer the pains of parental love, we are all confused at why you seem to have no forgiveness in your heart.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): Whatever was going on between yourself and your mom in your teens, I feel like surely it has to be bigger than that grounding.
Not only was that issue not big enough for the split, but, at only 12 years old? It takes more than that to turn a child permanently against one of her parents. Was that a straw breaking the camel's back with her tendencies overall?
You say you were a totally straight-A student, was that because of her pressuring or something?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): I can see where you are coming from and wouldn't want her in my life either. She has had ample time to make it up to you but hasn't bothered. Now that you have a child she is suddenly interested but hasn't got the guts to go to you, has to go through your husband. I had a similar falling out with my mother and we never made it up and she died a few years after the event. People say I was very hard but there was no remorse in her and no sorry about anything really. I never spoke to her from the moment I left home at 17. Some things are just impossible to forget because of all the feelings they conjure up. If you are still not happy with her just leave things be but explain to your husband why things are the way they are and why they have to remain that way.
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A
female
reader, lonesum dove +, writes (2 April 2010):
 wow... this is deep, you are a new mom as you know children dont come with instruction so sometime we tend to not make the right choices, maybe you need to sit just the two of you and tell her how you feel, to me i dont feel that the choice she made was that extreme that you stop talking to your mom for so many years,
I wonder if there is more to this story then you are telling, you have to learn to forgive and let things go, this is not healthly, when i was a young girl i was always getting in trouble sometimes mt fault sometimes not... but let me tell you at the end of the day i love the groung my mom walk on,
I felt my mom was abusive to me we use to get beating it was acceptable, now it call abuse but girl i thank god for every beating she gave me i think it made me the good person that i am today,
my mom is no longer with us i miss my mom so much i would give anything to bring her back, so i say to you let it go love your mom while she is here on earth, dont do that to your child take her from her grandma.
Good Luck & God bless
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (2 April 2010):
"The grounding was lifted, but all I got from my mom was a "sorry about that", but no real remorse, just sort of this win some, lose some attitude."
WOW!!!! She even said sorry, and still you didn't forgive her... mmmmm.... you lived with your father, didn't he teach you anything about loving people. Is this how you treat your child and your husband. No forgiveness ever, even after they apologise, or is this situation with your mother very different for some reason?
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (2 April 2010):
Wow!! You don't believe in forgiveness do you? Your willing to deprive you child of a grandmother for something that happened to you 11years ago.
mmmmm... my mum called me a whore and slapped me in the face, (I went to the library) my dad accused me of something I didn't do.. lucky for me, they apologised straight afterwards, because they knew they were totally wrong. I was horrified, then it seemed funny that they could misjudge me so badly :)
Anger is a cold companion, it's never fills your belly or warms your heart... I believe in forgiveness, and would never cause a child to suffer because I don't put their needs first. Little children need grandparents.
Maybe one day you'll do something wrong, and your child will throw you aside like rubbish and never forgive you. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world, you'll find out in time that this is true.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (2 April 2010):
 How was your mother all of the years prior to that incident? Has she done anything like that before? I'm not saying she was right, but parenting is difficult... as you will find out. You're not always going to be right.
From the little bit of info you've given us, I'd say at this point you over reacted. Families have fights. Kids make mistakes, parents make mistakes, that's life. Has she ever done the "shoot first, ask questions later" prior to that incident? Yes, it seems a little unfair doing what she did.... but there is such thing as forgiving somebody for their mistakes. And if you can't forgive your mom for that one thing, what kind of role model are you being for your child? In my opinion, a decision made when you're 13 years old is not something you should carry for the rest of your life...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): What an ungrateful, selfish person you sound like.
You cut your mother out of your life for grounding you when you were 12?! I don't know what to say, I'm truly shocked and hope that this posting is a joke...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): Get over yourself. Who do you think you are.So she made a misatke and apologised for that and you want to go on with this nonsense for the rest of your life. What is wrong with you? Forgive your Mother for there is not just you to think about there is your child.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): Are you kidding me? You have shut your mother out and denied her time with her child and grandchild for a two-day grounding session when you were twelve? Put those two acts next to each other and tell me which one sounds excessive, aberrant and extreme?
Tell me, how would you feel if you made a similar mistake and your child took the same course of action. You have been heaped with blessings and gifts and can't truly tell what is true good or evil in this world.
I hope you realize the gravity of your decision and get a chance to make amends before your mother disappears from your life forever. Life is a delicate and ephemeral thing and, though you don't realize this, you have already wasted a great deal of it on petty grudges against the woman who gave you life and loved you. Shame on you!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 April 2010):
 Wow, you really reacted strongly to this situation. Obviously you deserved an apology, but your complete rejection of your mother for this seems to me to be overkill. And to have kept this anger fueled and fed for so long? That's really a bit scary.
There must be something more to this story than a wrongful grounding and inadequate apology. Your dad moved you away from her, surely she's been punished enough for ever doubting her daughter. How is it that you became so cold and angry? Why is it that you have no space for forgiveness in your heart, like you expected from her? What kind of example are you setting for your child?
I feel sorry for you, for you to have nurtured this hatred and anger for so many years, and to have completely cut out the woman who gave birth to you and tried to take care of you. What anguish she must have been through all these years. What happened to your empathy?
This sounds deeper than a site like ours here can tackle. I'd say you need a mediator at the very least and perhaps some professional family therapy. I'd also think your situation may require psychotherapy or counseling, to figure out what lies behind your extreme overreaction to this.
Good luck with raising your family; I hope your son doesn't inherit your stubbornness, you might find what it's like to try to parent and get shunned for it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): You are such an irrational person, a rational person would forgive her. You are totally biased. It is insanely cruel.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): What?! Is this a serious question???
You are a grown up 23 year old woman. You need to get over this ridiculous childish issue that happened half your lifetime ago. So it was hard for your mom to admit she was wrong and you weren't able to go ride your bike for a couple days. SO WHAT?! It's been nearly 12 years.
Be a stronger person and forgive her!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 April 2010):
Your mum will have paid for this in tears over a thousand times since you left her to live with your Dad. She really will. She is now holding her hand out to you and wants you in her life. It would be a shame if you didn't at least see where it could lead. And believe me when I say that what she did was trivial in comparison to what others have done. I was accused of something before and didn't even get a sorry. But I got over it after time. She screwed up, and now wants to make it up.
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