A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okay, I previously asked a question about how to tell if someone is a player. (thanks to all those who responded). I have since discovered that yes, the guy I was seeing and thinking about taking it to the next level was indeed a player. First of all, why do men-people do that? It is deceitful. Also, since I almost fell for it, how can I avoid it next time? I don't like to think that I am that vulnerable, but perhaps I am. I'm a single mom so I am sure that doesn't help. I have several untrustworthy relationships, does that say something is wrong with me? If so, how do I fix it? The whole thing makes me weary of even wanting to date for awhile if at all. I'm bummed and hurt right now. I really like this guy, but then again he did seem almost "too pefect." Sigh.... I think I'm just rambling now. Give some feedback if you'd like!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2007): Your problem is that you let guys walk all over you. Don't accept that. Have limits. And that is a problem that you have because of your self esteem. Cause you're selling yourself short of what you deserve.
If you want to be in a relationship, you have to figure out what you want out of a relationship and what are your limits as to what you will accept from a guy's behavior. You make the rules. Not him. And if his behavior does not fit into what you want and expect. Drop him. It's really that simple. Don't let him walk all over you. And have high expectations. Don't sell your self short. Cause if a guy really likes you he will do anything for you. And if he doesn't commit to you, who needs him?
And if you want to know why some guys play you, it's because they can. Because you let them. Cause you have no self esteem and you set no boundaries. So next time, don't let him play you. (I gave you all the signs in the previous question). Guys can smell a vulnerable girl from 100 miles away. So, stop being vulnerable. Believe in your self. Love yourself. Respect yourself. Don't settle for the first guy who comes along. Have limits. Know what you want. DON'T SETTLE. You do deserve better. Tell urself that.
A
female
reader, Butterflyfly  +, writes (10 August 2007):
 I think if you feel paranoid or you smell something's wrong, don#t burry that feeling, there's nothing wrong with it. If the guy's to be wiht you, he will either not make you feel paranoid, or he will reassure you and make a point of washing your worries away. Maybe you should be more clear and assertive to the people you date, set some boundaries from the start, and that's how you 'filter' them out........if they put up with your boundaries, that's good, but if they dont, well, fine too! I get the impression that you are or too nice and easy going and accepting( but i'm only speclating here so forgive me if I'm wrong!!). I agree with hlskitten, I don't know how they work technically, but I too swear by Insincts. I dont think there's anything wrong with you , or with anyone who's had unsuccessful relationship, just swith your 'radar' on and keep looking, and don't get upset because of the ones that don't deserve you anyway.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 August 2007):
 I'm afraid I couldn't ask why people play in relationships. Apparently they don't feel guilt at all when they know they are pulling your strings and getting things they wouldn't be getting if they were true.
You can't avoid being in the hands of player, but, you can keep your eyes "wide open", as in the nickname of a very good agony aunt, and you can check the warning signs before it's too late. With time, you get to know who is worth trying and who is not.
Nothing is wrong with you. You approach people in an honest manner. This is what players take advantage of. But, you're doing the right thing. Don't blame yourself and don't think you're a fool: you are not.
Sometimes you do find someone who is very good. I'm afraid that, if you don't happen to find a flaw here and there, you haven't look well. Perhaps you tend to idealize people and don't wait to know them well?
And, I agree with you: as a single mom, you need to be careful. Perhaps the bad guys keep coming at you because they see you're in need of affection and trust. That we all are, but, if you show them you won't tolerate abuses, that will keep many bad apples away.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (10 August 2007):
 My sister once said to me she is very sceptical of people that seem too perfect. Shes been happily married 10 years now to a great guy so i trust her judgement.
Instincts. Thats what gets me by. Ive only ever been with one guy that lied, and instincts always kept telling me this isnt as it seems while i was with him a year.
We all have instincts i believe, we just dont tend to trust them enough.
Ive been with some extremely decent guys too, way more than one bad, so i would say statistically speaking, you have more chance of meeting a good guy.
C xxxxx
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