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female
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anonymous
writes:So I'm 21 and my boyfriend is 40. I know it seems like a big age gap but it has worked for us and we get along so well... Until recently. Basically he is a self employed builder and hasn't had work for a gd few months, he has been able to have bits and bobs but has not taken the work. He will either sit indoors all day or go to the pub. I can't help but feel he has got into a rut. I'm trying to snap him out of it for the sake of our relationship but it doesn't seem to be working. Our sex life is suffering terribly because he is either drunk, hungover or full up! I have a big issue with drugs. He likes the occasional joint, which I thought meant every few months but lately I keep finding weed in his Jean pockets. I absolutely hate drugs and now that we have moved in together (we have been together 18 months in total) thought he would respect me enough not to bring it into our house, obviously not!The problem I have is I am madly in love with him and he treats me like a queen but I have major problems with his personal choices. I can't help but think if he got work back he and us would be back to ourselves but how much longer do I have to wait? I just need some advice on what you would do? I'm just so confused because I'm thinking I don't want a man that has been acting like this to be the father of my children, I want him to be a role model. Sorry it's so long but I really need some help!
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (18 February 2012):
 Sounds like you are the not so proud momma of a 40 year old!
Personally, I think there are so many red flags here and I'm wondering why you ar still with him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): don't waste your life waiting for him to stop being a loser, unless you don't mind waking up one day to find that now you are 40 and he is 60 and he's still exactly the same and you've now lost the prime years of your life.
leave him now, and if this spurs him to change let him show you first.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): Take some advice from a woman who ended up throwing her life away by getting involved with an older man. You live his life not yours. Plan to be 50 with him when you're really 30. He obviously doesn't respect you so don't be foolish and expect this old dog to learn new tricks. He is this way AT40!!! Hes not 20. Think about it... He's supposed to be the mature one. Do yourself a big favor and start dating someone under 30.
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (18 February 2012):
 I also hate to say it, but being 43 myself, I know something about men. He is the loser type. Basically, he will be really nice to you, but the solid things like money, responsibility, home-making, holidays, plans and a future ... won't be there. And, as you say, now the sex has gone as well.
If he is smoking joints at 40, he isn't going to stop. He is a chronic boozer as well, by the sound of it. He is going to drink, loaf around at the pub, eat big dinners (you said often too full up for sex) and smoke dope. That is it. That is the deal. Oh, and tell you you're beautiful and be nice to you.
Sorry, but just don't do this. He will drain you. Where is any income coming from? The odd painting job? My partner is a builder, and I know for a fact that the work is out there ... you just have to be energetic, and good, and determined.
You have to give him a kiss and move on. You will never have anything with him. You need a guy with some vision, energy and life in him. Not this loafer.
Sorry to say it, but I can hear you are thinking the same thing, And you are right. And DON'T feel guilty at giving him the push because he's 40 - tell him it's nothing to do with age - it is to do with lifestyle and future plans (he hasn't got any).
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): I have to agree with the others. He is in a completely different stage of life to you and it certainly sounds like hes having a midlife crisis. At first I thought it seemed dodgy why a 40 year old would want to be with a 21 year old, then from what you've said it's obvious, because he's VERY immature for his age! No one his own age would put up with this behavior.I'm sorry if I come across harsh, but it's the truth.. Someone his age should be settled down already with kids by now and have a comfortable job to support himself. Not getting drunk, smoking weed and going to work when he feels like it. Who pays the bills?He's acting like a teenager. You're 19 years younger than him and it sounds like you act a lot older than him! That isn't right. You've definitely took things too fast with this man. And I personally don't think it'd be fair on your children to have a father that old.It's completely up to you whether you want to stay with this man, but in my opinion, I wouldn't want to be with someone who is acting this way after only knowing them for 18 months, especially his age. You're starting to find out his flaws now you're living with him.Have you spoke to him about how you feel?
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (18 February 2012):
 So you have to ask yourself which came first? Is he drowning his "sorrow" in weed and booze because he can't find work....or his weed and booze habits have finally caught up to him and no one will hire him. I hate to say it, but you seem more like 40 and he seems more like 21. Let's assume for a moment that he doesn't have a drug and alcohol habit that he's been hiding from you all this time; and he has actually been gainfull employed up to now. He is probably suffering from depression and is choosing to "self-medicate" away the blues by using weed and booze. Men tend to feel quite inferior if they can't provide for their families, or if their wives make more money. I assume at least one of you is making some money to pay for bills. However the longer he stays in this downward cycle the more likely it will be his undoing. It is also possible that he has addiction problems and you're just now seeing it because he can't find work. Even recovering alcoholics will suffer a major set back when things in their environment change drastically and not being able to work is causing an upset in his balance. Their first response will usually be to go get drunk and then continue being drunk, somewhat unplugging from life. You have to talk to him and keep talking to him until he pulls himself out of this void. I don't think your age difference is really the problem here. I wish you the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): You could wait away your whole life for him to get his shit together. He likes to sit around drinking and smoking pot over taking what work he find. He sounds lazy and not responsible. You're too young for this. I would end it.
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