A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi I hope someone can give me some advice! I have been married for 31 years and have a pleasant life! We have raised 3 well adjusted,talented and successful kids. My husband was my first lover and even thou he had a child out of wedlock, which he had supported and taken care of we had a perfect marriage! I thought I knew everything about him but evidently not! About a month ago a woman contacted my youngest daughter on fb and told her she is her sister! Obviously she was upset and I phoned her! After she explained who her mother is I told her I would have known about her mom but my husband never mentioned someone by that name! When he came home I asked him and he claimed he knew her but its not possible! 3 days later this woman sms'd me and when I asked him again he confessed that he had a relationship with her and 2 weeks after he had sex with her she phoned him to tell him she was 2 wks pregnant, he denied it was his and he never heard from her again. He now wants to do a paternity test!! I am hurt,sad,confused,angry and very upset and the fact that he didn't mention it to me as we were supposed to be exclusive at the time! This woman is 3 months older than my son which tell me that he cheated and lied to me all this time!!! Now its not only me after all these years that I have to consider, its the children as well!! What can I do to get past the hurt?!! I trusted him and it might sound stupid after all these years to feel this way but I do!! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, edge4323 +, writes (11 September 2012):
Hi guys me again!!,
My husband wants to do the paternity test and we were advised by the lab who is suppose to do the tests to have the mother tested also. That's not the problem seeing that we will pay for it! but the mother refuse and say she don't want to be involved in her daughters affairs! Her daughter gave me her mum's contact number but she doesn't answer! This "daughter" is 31 yrs of age and told me to tell my husband just to admit being her father and she will leave us alone! NOT.what more can we do? Thanks for taking the time to read my letters!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2012): Just to say I sympathise with your situation as I am in one that is similar. We have been married for 27 years and although my husband is not an easy man, overall I would say that the marriage has been happy. We have two children in their twenties. At Christmas I discovered that he had had a mistress for about five years. I was not really all that surprised and it explained a great deal: all those 'business meetings' etc. I have been coming to terms with the affair ever since. I have now found out though that he may have fathered a child by another woman last year, during a short 'fling' (she said she was on the pill) and that there have been other women too. Although I am very upset by all this, I also have children to consider before making any decisions as I believe finding everything out would cause monumental damage to what has hitherto been a relatively happy family. If the child proves to be his, we will probably have to tell them anyway.My husband swears he will never stray again and wants 'to grown old with me'. If I leave, I will have my integrity in tact but will be lonely and forfeiting more than I will gain alone on the moral highground. Older women are unlikely to remarry and as has become very apparent, there are plenty of voracious and unscrupulous women out to get their man, at no matter what cost. I'd be interested to know how you are getting on. We start counselling next week.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): Ugh, I am so sorry and I feel for you. Have your husband take the paternity test. Then you will know who is REALLY lying. Could be the women slept with several men (including your husband) and she randomly chose him as the 'father'. At least if there is a paternity test you will know if that is a fact, or not. If he is not the father, breathe a sigh of relief.
Now as to him cheating on you whether he fathered a child or not... after being married for so many years and finding yourself betrayed... even if the betrayal was years ago, it is still new and fresh to you. He needs to see it as that. If he does not, then he is still in some form of self-denial for his responsibility in the mess. And I hate to say this, but if he refuses to accept responsibility emotionally for the pain he caused, regardless of the outcome, then things will never change. He will go on as usual, keeping up appearances, jumping through the holidays as if they are hoops to conqueor, etc. Hiding the ugly truth from family and friends, etc. Some people are content with the shallow relationships. Ask yourself, are you? Also ask yourself, is this the man you thought you married? These are questions I ask myself.
I too have been married a long time, and found out nearly two years ago he cheated on me... supposedly a long time ago and it never happened again. (Yeh, right like I can really believe that.) They act like little boys caught in the act, and expect the parent to forgive them and nothing much is lost. But what is really lost is this... That trust, especially trust you thought you shared for decades, is gone and destroyed in an instant - can never be the same again. You can no longer rely on him for the same emotional safety you thought you had, nor can you give him the emotional support he needs because he has shown himself to not place you number one in his life in the list of relationship priorities.
The feelings you had for him are changed and unless he wants to work very very hard to rebuild that you might as well kick him to the guest bedroom should you choose to remain married. Yes the children are grown, mine are too. But to tear the family unit apart is a hard thing to do. I understand that. If my kids found out about the cheating, then I would divorce him, out of self respect for myself... and I wouldn't want my children to see me as a woman who would tolerate such awful behavior and still play nice afterwards.
If you cannot divorce him, then busy yourself... learn all you can about how to protect yourself emotionally and financially should he do this again. Find engrossing hobbies to take you away and put your energies elsewhere. Volunteer for local organizations. See a counselor. If he cannot support you emotionally, support yourself. Do what is best for YOU. Because in reality, we all need to take care of ourselves first... like on the airplane we are instructed to put on our own oxygen masks first before helping others.
Sorry this is so long... sign me -Been there, still there, and still contemplating.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 August 2012):
 The first step should be to have that paternity test done. If it turns out that he is not the father, then part of the problem is gone.
Beyond that, it is clear that he had sex with her when he was with you. As Honeypie said, you have to decide whether you can live with that (literally) or not. It seems your kids are grown now so that shouldn't matter much in this decision.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (13 August 2012):
 I don't think it sounds stupid to be hurt and disappointing that he cheated on you, even if it happened a long time ago.. YOU just found out!
And how tacky to contact your daughter. Sorry that girl/woman should have contacted YOUR husband.
I would hope he does a DNA test and that HE tells the children about this kid IF she is in fact his.
Now I would say it's up to you. Is this a deal-breaker or not?
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