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I have got my mistress pregnant and my wife does not know, how do I avoid as much heartbreak as possible?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating, Marriage problems, Pregnancy, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 November 2010) 13 Answers - (Newest, 2 December 2010)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I have been married for 6 1/2 years to a wonderful wife. Well for the most part. I on the other hand am a horrible husband. In the 6+ years we've been married she cheated on me shortly after our first child was born. No excuses for my upcoming actions, but if anything it's the background into the forthcoming story.

When I found out she cheated on me she lied to me for a week. I had to talk to the guy's wife to weed out the lies between the both of them. Anyways I found out, and went on a spree of not caring.

About 6 months after that I sat her down and told her that I didn't love her anymore and wanted to leave her. I also advised her without any provocation that I had an affair on her with a 19 year old. (At the time I was 26 and my wife was 22.) Well she was pretty distraught and even got the divorce papers. But we decided to go to marriage counceling which helped for a little while.

At work, I met a girl. And we carried on a relationship for 3 months. And we started that relationship with the idea that eventually I was going to leave my wife. The idea was that my wife and I have two kids together and I wasn't going to have them live next to a crack addict in an apartment complex, so I was biding my time to get the bills straight and to where my wife was able to afford them without my assistance.

During this I continued the relationship with the other girl and I decided that this girl (With me being 28) was too young at the age of 22. I tried to end things with her and she advised me that she was pregnant and keeping the baby.

I definitely realize that I'm the ass that everyone speaks of in this situation, and ultimately no one is to blame but me. That this situation wouldn't exist without my actions and carelessness in this. I realize further that I'm SELFISH. That because of my selfish actions people are going to get hurt badly and there is nothing I can do now to prevent or even rectify that. My heart is bleeding, because I'm not that person. I'm not the cheater. My personality on other areas contradicts those actions that I've committed and it's tearing me apart that I've done something so horrific to the mother of my children. She deserves better than me, a great woman.

In my wife's defense I'll say that even though the romance is definitely lacking and the "romantic moments" are still awkward, she is a great mother and a good wife. A very determined and kind hearted person. Her whole life, everyone including her mother and father have failed her. Everyone has FAILED her including me. I've been her rock. Her shoulder to cry on, and as I can see the only one who ever really gave damn. I realize my actions contradict that, but it was a selfish moment. A selfish act of resenting my wife and the pressures of parenthood, etc. Still no excuse, and I'm not asking for one.

Here I am the shallow, selfish married man of 6 1/2 years who got his mistress on the side pregnant. The wife has no idea this is going on and I'm wondering what would a normal decent unselfish person do to eliminate as much heartache as possible. I don't care about me, or the quality of life. I will definitely accept the punishment for acitons, just to keep anyone else from having to endure this burden.

I'm just lost. My world is wrecked. I'm trying to figure out the best possible solution to prevent as much heartache as possible from anyone. I could use whatever advise anyone has and I'm grateful to you for giving such a shallow guy the time of day. Thank you.

View related questions: affair, cheated on me, divorce, married man, mistress

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010):

When you were with the mistress things are fine. No need for remorse. I believe the hardess thing in life is to do what is right. No one should tell a woman to give up her child cause the father is a married man. If you didnt want to save your marriage why should your mistress. Grow up. Tell your wife let her make the decision. But as a selfish man you would try to blame everyone but you.

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A female reader, tennisstar88 United States +, writes (11 November 2010):

tennisstar88 agony auntWho said anything about abortion? If his mistress is indeed pregnant she said she was keeping the child.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010):

Abortion/ termination is not a dirty word and it is not a crime

I have more respect for women who choose to terminate than for women who choose to have a baby in the hopes of her married man leaving his wife for them.some women purposefully trick their married lovers by falling pregnant in the hope that it finally destroys his marriage. They cannot get their married man any other way and the innocent kid suffers when the father choose not to have anything to do with them.

Op, your wife needs to know what is happening. Better coming from u than from the lover. Oh and make certain your lover is really pregnant and that u are the father.

Good luck, you sure need it.

LoveGirl .

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010):

I'm pregnant by the married man I've had a relationship for the past 5 yrs. with. I found out at 3 months and couldn't bring myself to abort it. He doesn't want this and I know it was a mistake, but after reading your post I see similarities with his and your wifes life. I feel horrible, and plan on keeping it hidden...but after reading this I know I have to remove myself from his life completely and give him a real chance to keep his marriage going. You might not be that lucky, but don't forget the woman you got pregnant has feelings too. Good luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010):

Firstly, make sure that she is telling the truth about the baby and that the baby is yours, if it is then you're going to have to tell your wife. If it is true then you're going to have to deal with it and make sure you live up to your responsabilties.

Second, you fed this girl the classic "i'm going to leave my wife eventually" thing and i have a feeling that wasn't really the case. She could be lying about the baby, some people will stoop that low, but if she isn't then time to face up to your mistakes.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010):

First off avoid the phrase "I got her pregnant". Women have all the power when it comes to getting pregnant and carrying a pregnancy through to birth. And to simply say "you should have kept your dick in your pants" is ... simplistic in the extreme.

Now that that is out of the way, you don't have a lot of options. Tell her you want an abortion and that she has no right to make you a father against your will. If she refuses tell her that you will have nothing to do with the child that you don't want either emotionally or financially.

As for your marriage, it was over when your wife cheated, you really have no moral obligation there.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010):

Are you sure that she is pregnant?

If so, be sure that the child is yours.

Deception is not uncommon in this sort of situation.

You must know the truth before you try to finally deal with the shit you're in.

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A female reader, tennisstar88 United States +, writes (8 November 2010):

tennisstar88 agony auntThe absolute worst that could happen..

You tell your wife, or you fail to tell your wife and your mistress does it for you..Your soon to be ex-wife, takes you to the cleaners getting you for 2 counts of adultery, takes custody of the children leaving you to shell out for child support. Now, the mistress has the baby but decides she doesn't want to be with you and also gets you for child support. Then you're all alone with hardly any $.

Now, before you go owning up to anything..I would first verify your mistress is indeed pregnant and then ask for a DNA test. She's a mistress, you never know if she was sleeping with anyone else. After you have covered those bases, then it's time to confess to your wife. She told you of her indiscretion it's only fair you pay her the same courtesy. Then I would negotiate a divorce with her, give her what she wants within reason..Meaning not everything. This marriage isn't meant to be, a divorce is long overdue.

After the divorce is said and done, then if you choose you can finally be with your mistress..If not, then you have another child to support.

Prepare yourself for the worst but hope for the best.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010):

OK - well first off that is a pretty terrible situation to be in. I'm not gonna beat you up about it - it is what it is. I think you could go over the pattern of your life with your wife whereby both of you have cheated and still come up with the same reasons, dilemmas and confusion. You speak very highly of your wife and clearly recognise her strengths. I think this will serve you well. My advice is that the only people that you need to preserve in this mess are your children. I don't think you have a great marriage - it sounds like a friendship. On that basis you could still offer very very good support to both your wife and children and yet separate from your wife. The most respectful thing you can do for her is leave her but absolutely 100% be there for the children. Being sorry will of course help but the fall out is likely to be bad. Can you arrange for someone to look after your kids for a weekend so that you can speak all this out with your wife? It is important that you have a plan in mind - how are you going to support the new baby and your children with your wife? Your wife will feel threatened. My personal opinion and in no way do I advocate abortion but your other woman is highly selfish. Assuming she knew your marital status it would have been useful for her to take reliable contraception and for you to double up with a condom. Now, though quite rightly she can decide to keep the baby, this will ruin any chance you have of saving your marriage. In summary, prepare the ground to tell your wife - you have to and move out. Be ready to offer her any support you can and work hard to spare the children the misery of this situation. Work out what you are going to do with the other woman and your new baby. Create an emotional support network for yourself - I think you're going to need it. Finally.... I hope in time you work out why all this cheating has gone on, what motivates you to do it and how to avoid doing it again in the future - but do that for yourself because its time to let your wife go and meet someone that treats her well.

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A male reader, Cerberus_Raphael United Kingdom +, writes (8 November 2010):

Cerberus_Raphael agony auntEveryone is to blame here. The supposedly kind-hearted wife who betrayed her husband and kept it a secret until her husband finally confronted her about it and the husband who found a sort of vengeance within the forbidden warmth of a younger woman. But I am not here to criticize, I am here to bring to light, truth and as much hope as possible.

It is good that you have found such humility, that will serve you well. The first thing you need to do is tell your wife about all of this. She may be hurt but your words will sting a lot less than the razor claws of your suspicious actions later on should you keep this a secret. Keep trust alive.

Next, you will have to talk to the mistress and tell her that whilst you are going to provide for her and the child, not because there is any emotion there but because you are obliged to. The child should be your top priority but that does not mean you need to live with the mistress. The child is better off being loved by both its parents separately than living in a house full of constant bitterness between its parents.

It will not be easy but this is what I feel you should do to inflict the least amount of heartache. The right thing to do is never the easiest choice but, these are the consequences of your actions.

I hope that helps.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010):

Leave the wife...there's no love get a divorce.

As for your u love her? If not;then provide her with child support...but don't marry her if you don't want to.

Try to help your kids financially ...and both these women - but if you don't love them; its better to end it.

Don't be too harsh on yourself...just don't make the same mistake again.

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A male reader, Love-Wisely United States +, writes (8 November 2010):

Love-Wisely agony auntThis is no excuse either, but anytime a couple gets married before the age of 30-years or so, difficult times are usually ahead. People are still finding themselves and changing well into their 30's. But in our 20's, transformations and temptations can be quite extreme.

It's clear by the choices you mention, you guys weren't totally ready to settle down and start a family. That is not much comfort right now, but it's a factor that might warrant deeper discussion between the two of you eventually.

Least Possible Heartache:

Since you ended the affair, protect your wife's feelings! Do NOT confess to clear your own conscience. Do NOT confess only to make yourself feel better. That's sometimes more selfish and hurtful than hiding the awful truth.

If your mistress is really going to have the baby, find out what she is expecting from you. Child support? Baby sitting? Nothing ever again? She may not be sure herself. And be ready for her to change her mind. I assume she knew you were married the entire time? Does she want to expose your wife to the truth? If so, it's wiser to fully disclose at earliest possible time of low stress (like her day off). Then be prepared for serious consequences.

Sometimes, young women find a surrogate father along the way, and NEVER want to see the biological father's face again. If that occurs, it's better to keep the guilt and shame to yourself. Rather than make things horrible for your wife too.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010):

first, make sure the baby is yours and that your girlfriend isn't just saying that to trap you into staying with her.

If it's confirmed the baby is yours, I think you just have to tell your wife the truth as bluntly as possible, and without trying to defend your actions. And then let her decide what she wants to do, if she wants to leave you or not.

The thing is that you are breaking several pieces of news to her: one is that you have a baby with someone else. Two is that you were actually planning to leave her. Does she even know this?

I don't think there is a way to tread lightly, I think you just have to lay it all out in the open and just prepare for whatever is coming.

Perhaps arrange for your kids to be elsewhere (baby sitter, or at friends' or relatives' house) on the day you tell your wife so they won't have to hear whatever screaming or crying...and so your wife can feel free to let loose with her emotions without having to hold herself in check for the sake of the kids.

Another option is to tell her by writing her a letter. It could be so she can process her shock and emotions in private without having to see you at the same time. I don't know how good of an idea this is, but it's another option I suppose.

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