A
male
age
36-40,
*dontknoanymore
writes:Hi. I really need some help.I've been married for 3 years now but have been with my wife for almost 9 years.we Were high school sweethearts not so much anymore. we have a 6 year old daughter That we had when I was 19 and a 4 month old.we fight alot now and say very hurtful things. I feel that we love each other but not in love with each other. During the last pregnancy she changed completely every time I walk out the door I was cheating of gone longer than an hour. Came to a point that I was like if you think I am I should. I have a female friend who is really good to me I'm 26 she's 20 . At a friends party we made a.mistake and kissed. We both said it was wrong and can't happen again. Well.it did at a later date. I feel no love.from my wife at home . My friend and I have been seeing eachother for 8 months and she truly care for me and loves me but wants wats best for my family so now wont talk to me half the time i love her and know that she is perfect for me . We have been hanging out but nothing more, but the feelin g are still there. My wife doesnt know i dnt have the heart to tell her .so my question do i stay in a loveless sexless marrige or leave? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): What can you not comprehend about your wife not trusting you. You are having an affair for goodness sake. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why your wife doesn't trust. You!
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
You feel like you have given up so much for your wife and kids. Life is not a bed of roses, it is about sacrifices, love, commitment, understanding and being there for one another when the chips are down.
Please remember that your wife was a young mother too., just like u were a young father.
If you want to trade your wife in for the 20 year old then do so. Stop all procrastination and learn to do the right thing.
LoveGirl
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): I hate it when men feel sorry for themselves!
It sounds like you'r wife may have post natal depression, or some other kind of depression. Sometimes this happens after women have children.
Don't give up on you'r wife, beleive it or not, you'r wife needs you!! And what are you doing hanging around with another woman when you're married? Shamefull!
Forget about this skank! And put more effort into you'r marriage!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): I understand that to trust and be trusted is very important. I don't know the ins and outs of your marriage but if you have made her feel you have given up things you didn't want to she could not trust you as in are you going to stay there is more than trust than thinking someone is going to cheat. You have a lot to sort out it is worth the effort though. First you have to decide if you want to stay.
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female
reader, PollyPsychology +, writes (8 January 2011):
9-year marriage? 8-month mistress? I'm sure you know your biochem at this point to realize your 8-month relationship is still surging with hormones (lust) dopamine (acts like cocaine) and oxytocin (attachment). We all remember the beginning days of relationships--when the other could do no wrong, and both persons were putting their best foot forward. Sure, she may seem like the better deal, but your wife has put more than her best foot forward--she's had both feet in for 9 years.
You describe your marriage as sexless and loveless--basically it is not fulfilling to you. How would your wife describe the marriage? I’m guessing she wouldn’t paint you as the perfect husband either. Bottom line: you’re not the only victim in this. She is, too. And so are your children.
How do you communicate about all of this? You claim you fight and say hurtful things. Does this inspire loving behavior or the desire for sexual intimacy in either of you?
From the way you describe things, your wife doesn’t seem to stand a chance at this point. You’ve already mentally checked out and are investing your thoughts, energy and emotions into the development of your new relationship. What you’re ultimately doing is criticizing your wife and marriage, no doubt exhausting her with the fighting and insecurity, and then punishing her for her failure to single-handedly fix your relationship.
When we want change in our relationship, we must change our own behavior first…and then hope our partner responds to those changes (unprovoked). You need to learn that giving = receiving in a relationship. If your marriage is loveless and sexless, only you can change that. And I would suggest your attempts go beyond abusive fighting and escape into the arms of a girl barely beyond the age of adolescence.
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A
male
reader, idontknoanymore +, writes (8 January 2011):
idontknoanymore is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe one thing That I can't get over is the never trusting thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): If you didn't want that life why did you do it?
You got two who I am sure are beautiful children, a wife, a home, you did get something in return, but you feel like you gave up too much. You know, I am sure your wife feels that vibe from you, how do you think that makes her feel?
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A
male
reader, idontknoanymore +, writes (8 January 2011):
idontknoanymore is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe fight bout everything it never ends. We fight bout how we raise the kids, bill, and anything else u could think of. She came out and told me that she has never trusted me and never fully will the kiss is the only time I've slipped up and cheated, but she has no reason to think that. I gave up everything for her when I was 18. Gave back my division 1 basketball scholarship to be a man and take care of my responsibles.and now this far down the line I find out all this. Just Don't know why where together if she Don't trust me
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (8 January 2011):
 You owe it to your wife to be honest about your feelings. Perhaps she feels disenchantment just as you do. How will you know if you don't talk to her? You know deep down inside that its wrong for you to be hanging out with this other woman until you have talked to your wife and sorted out your feelings. If you continue to hang out with this other woman, something more than a kiss is going to happen. Talk to your wife, and if you can't do that, then seek out counseling before you have an affair. If you really don't love your wife anymore, and you can't work things out, then you should end the marriage rather than hiding and cheating. I hope things will work out for you. But please be honest with your wife.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): If you want to leave your wife after much thought then that is what you need to do. To be fair to her - she can start again with her life too. But don't go straight from one relationship to another. Let the dust settle so you really know what you want. Just remember that all relationships settle into eveyday routine in time - especially when children arrive.
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A
female
reader, lija30 +, writes (8 January 2011):
 Do your wife and the world a favor and don't drag this out if you have fallen out of love...but since you didnt try to even reconcile or communicate how you felt about your marriage and you have already started cheating really there is nothing left but to do but get divorced. But this 20 year old may feel good because its something new and fresh. Relationships always go through wear and tear.... You have to be strong and fight all the way through. If you sat and communicated with your wife your true feelings then maybe things would mend their self.... but i want you to look at this 20 year old and ask yourself ...will you be able to live with her your whole life???? Would she be a good step mom to your daughter???? But please dont lead your wife on like that be a man and tell her the truth because if she finds out on her own there will be trouble...its 2011 people kill people over stuff like this. Especially if she thinks she has been a good wife to you. Dont play with your daughters life or yours tell her the truth and move on.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (8 January 2011):
 I think you really need to figure out what is wrong with your marriage in the first place. You are both young and it sounds like there are issues on both sides of the plate (although you don't go into details about what you fight about)
You have a 6-year-old daughter who will take the brunt of your divorce and I think you owe it to her to at least make an attempt at fixing whatever is wrong with your marriage. I guarantee you that it won't be easy and more than likely you'll have to ditch your woman waiting in the wings to make this work.
Some thoughts is to look into marriage counseling, either for yourself or for both of you. In addition, you may both want to read the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. If your wife is brave, she can read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by the same author.
Not sure what else to recommend here to you, but to think of your daughter and how you might react to her being raised by another man (should your wife re-marry).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): You have answered you own question then. Remember though, when you are looking at someone else they can seem 'wonderful' but once the shine has worn off, and normal life sets in you can find yourself in the same place and looking for excitement once more.Take your time and be sure the different life is what you want.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): Wow. This *is* tricky. I imagine that your heart is now with the 20 year old. But you don't want to hurt your wife and you don't want to walk out and leave what you've got, and what you had, and possibly regret it?
I'm 26 and can only answer this by telling you about my experiences. When I was 22 I got together with my friend of 5 years. It would've been wonderful if it'd have worked out. We'd have been childhood sweethearts. But my heart just wasn't in it and I met someone else who I just knew I had to get with, so I left the boyfriend.
The resulting relationship was short lived but it was what I needed to do. There was no point staying when my heart wasn't in it. I look back and I do feel sad, but you can't lie to your heart.
You can, of course, try to put your all into what's not working... you can try to repair things with your wife. But there's only one way that you can do this, and that's if you break contact with your girlfriend.
Of course, I had no ties with my boyfriend - we weren't married and don't have children. You have to think about yours and your wife's long term happiness. If you'd be happier with your girlfriend, and your wife'd be happy with someone who can truly love her, then maybe that would make the children happier.
It's just got to be one or the other. Hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (8 January 2011):
I think the questions you need to be asking yourself are:
1. Is it worth my children's long term well being and stability (as well as my own) to try and make my marriage work?
2. If I love my wife, can I work on falling back "in love" with her?
3. How much of a sure thing is my new infatuation? If I lay waste to my marriage, what are the chances I'll end up without my new infatuation and alone?
4. Has my allowing another woman to interfere in my marriage colored my thinking about my wife...in other words, am I engaging in self-fulfilling prophecy instead of taking a realistic hard look at my marriage and what I can do to make it work?
My friend, marriage is a project. It's not that "pink cloud of infatuation" all the time. Spouses fall in and out of "love" or that "pink cloud" over the years. Hitting a bad patch is not a reason to throw it all away. You need to give it a chance before you make such a momentous decision in your life. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, idontknoanymore +, writes (8 January 2011):
idontknoanymore is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes we Don't get along I've been staying at my moms for a month now. The things is I'm not trying to leave her for the other women but the other women made me realize what type of women I want
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): If there wasn't this other woman would you still be thinking of leaving?
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