A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there I am in a pickle at the moment. I am currently with a man whom I love dearly and have pictured having kids with him and also marriage he's a gem! Have had a tough relationship but we've lulled through a lot together, he also has autistic spectrum disorder i might add so it can be a stressful time. We have been together for 3 years now. My problem is though back before I knew him I had an online thing and experienced an amazing connection with him we drifted apart and he was extremely mean to me and I hated him but he's now back in my life I accepted his olive branch as. I wanted to know why he said these things find out why he did it. Now I find myself having feelings for him I'm a bit unsure what to do I mean its 6 years after we drifted apart we've both got partners but both feel such a strong connection. I would never cheat on my boyfriend at all, but I have feelings for this guy but I couldn't see us going anywhere with my current boyfriend I see the future I see us in our family home with kids but I dunno the other guy I think maybe I'm just missing what I had before? Can anyone help do you think I'm wanting what I had before? Or should I leave my boyfriend and cut contact with this guy? Him and I are trying to be friends again. Please help
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all thanks so much for responding you've helped me a lot I cut the contact and he hasn't changed anyways so I know I done the right thing by doing that. I am honest with my boyfriend and I told him about the situation but thank you all again
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (7 October 2013):
 Why are you trying to be friends with an abusive ex? You're voluntarily inviting misery!!
Be happy with what you have and if you're not, then look for something that you think is better for you, not worse!
Tell the ex that you want nothing more to do with him, you wanted your closure and you've got it now. Stop being a masochist. Walk away now and don't mess it all up. This ex is an ex for the reason and he should be dead for you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (6 October 2013):
 You're missing the verbal and emotional abuse? Lovely.
I think you're bored in the relationship you're in. 3 years is enough time for the newness to wear off, and enough time to get comfortable and bored.
Going back to the ex would be like eating your vomit. There's a reason why you got rid of him. Don't let amnesia-fueled nostalgia to make you forget.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 October 2013):
 I think you are missing the "fantasy" of when the old relationship was good. And that is playing with fire.
I understand that you want some sort of closure, but it might never happen. He might just have BEEN a douche-bag - he might not have been able to handle a LDR/Online relationship for long (few people actually can).
I think by you inviting him back in your life you are putting your current relationship in jeopardy, you SAY you don't want to cheat but you still like the idea of this "strong" connection, which.. means nothing in reality. Reality is, you are IN a relationship that makes you happy, but not so happy that a little ego stroking from the "blast from the past" doesn't seem tempting.
Personally, because you still FEEL this "connection" i would suggest you cut the contact. How would you feel if it was your BF who had an ex-lover/online GF come back in his life wanting his attention? You wouldn't like that, now would you?
Use a little common sense here. Remember how you two ended the online relationship. Focus on that not jsut the "good times".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2013): You're not over your ex-boyfriend; but all the foreseen events of the future with your present boyfriend may only be imaginary.You aren't as into your current boyfriend as you say. He may be a fill-in to put a band-aid over your loneliness. You accepted your ex's olive branch; only because you never got over him, and suppressed your old feelings. No one will can replace him if you still held out for him in your heart.Now the man you're with has "good traits;" but you're holding on just because he's a "good man." Obviously he isn't so wonderful you can get over your ex. It's one thing to have residual feelings for our exes. It's another when it actually effects our feelings for the person we are with in the present. That puts a question-mark on whether your boyfriend means enough to you, to forsake your ex altogether; in order to save what you now have.Now is your test. You should not have brought a man with severe emotional issues back into your life. He has been abusive, and the fact you sought no help after the breakup left some emotional scarring. He reopened those wounds and once again he has you caught up in in a cycle of pain and confusion.For now, your current relationship isn't truly real. If it was, you wouldn't have any confusion as to which man is important to you. You have one, but want and desire the other.Chances are, your current relationship will suffer from your preoccupation with an ex-boyfriend. You must immediately and abruptly stop all contact. Communication behind your boyfriend's back is still technically cheating; because your feelings toward your ex are of a romantic nature. So in order to reset your mind and feelings; you have to end the old relationship and let it go.In all honesty, you should delay thoughts of wedding plans; and just let them remain a future consideration. You're not totally devoted to the man you're with. Any pretense will surely surface, and it will all end badly. I do suggest that you be honest with him. Just let him know you mistakenly reconnected with your ex, and realize it was just a matter of closure. If your ex has a serious mental disorder, you should have considered that before getting involved. He may just not handle this well, and could cause you problems. Don't hesitate to involve the police; and let your boyfriend know all the details for your own safety and protection.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (6 October 2013):
 Your relationship with your ex wasn't good, you say he was mean to you and you ended up hating him.
Also, please bear in mind that this wasn't a "real" relationship, it was an on-line one, you two were never really an item, it was just a fantasy. I know you're feelings were very real though but the relationship was not.
Ok, so now you're with a lovely guy who treats you well and you say you love him and see a future for the two of you. This relationship is real, it's good and you profess to be happy.
So why on earth are you willing to throw all that away for a fantasy relationship with a guy who not only treated you badly but is currently pursuing you whilst in a relationship with another girl! He sounds like quite a catch doesn't he?
You say you both have a connection, well I know you're going to hate me for this, but no, my love, you don't have a connection to him. You have a connection with a fantasy guy who, in your mind, you have built up and made into your ideal man.
If you honestly believe in your heart of hearts that your internet fella is "The one" then do the right thing and break things off with your current guy.
If you agree with my assumptions then block your internet friend and forget about him.
I'm sure other Aunts and Uncles have their own opinions and they may offer you different advice which is why this site is so brilliant.
I wish you well and hope this helps AB x
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