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I have a beautiful friend, and I'm jealous to the point where I don't want to hang out with her in places where she draws a lot of attention.

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Question - (20 December 2012) 13 Answers - (Newest, 21 December 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I have a dilemma.

I have this friend, a girl, who I know for the past 5 years. She is very sweet, and we are not that terribly close, but we see each other we really enjoy each other company.

The thing that about 9 months ago she broke up with her boyfriend, and now she wants to go out with me almost every weekend. My boyfriend works on weekends, so for me it's actually would be perfect to have someone to go out with. But the thing is, and I hate it about me, really, that she is very beatifull, at least all guys think that, and when we are out in a club, I basically don't exist when she is with me.

Guys talk only to her, they compliment only her, and I just sit there.

I just need to tell you that I consider myself to be very pretty. When I m not with her people actually notice me. I really started feeling ugly when I m around her.

It's not good for me to feel like that. I even asked my long time boyfriend what is so special about her that guys are glued to her, and he said weirdest thing that she has these high cheekbones, that make her very attractive. What? Cheekbones?

The fact is that i started dreading our outings. I don't want to feel like am there just a as a background to her beauty. I would hang out with her but not in a places where there is some picking up going on like bars or clubs. I m also having fun in this places, don't mind going there but not with someone who grabs all attention to herself. Its very surprising for me, even to write this, because I never experienced this insecurity before. But the fact is that is what is going on, and it makes me feel bad.

And I was trying to convince myself that it's all in my head and all, but everytime we go out, it's the same story. Of course, she really enjoys herself, but I just feel miserable.

I have plenty of really pretty friends, and we go out and I never ever felt like this with anynother friends only with her.

She is on a clock calling me every weekend to hang out. How do I break this pattern, and actually finish going out with her at all. I just can't keep feeling like this anymore.

View related questions: broke up, jealous, notice me

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2012):

She just discovered that her looks AND her engaging personality is a means for most men to fall head over heels for her. An advid student of human behaviour. I'm sure she doesn't focus alot on herself, but will ask the men questions, taking time to get to know them- showing interest which MEN ADORE. I'm sure her body langauge even shows she is interested. A touch on the arm or hand, a laugh at the right moment, the opening of eyes and smiling, the direct eye contact, exposing the neckline and inside of wrist- signs of vuneralbity that men find sexual alluring, the leaning into the man, ect.

Have you thought to just watch her body langauge, facial expressions, and how she communicates, what she says?

I gaurentee if you cared to be just as engaging - you would attract just as much attention. But you don't care to be let alone are too faithful to do so. Seriously. How do two or more men honestly think she will take them all home that night? I fail to believe men can truly be that pathetic. Mathematically speaking- the odds are not that good for two of them. You dig?

Stop choosing to be offended by this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2012):

I think you might be right, Candid. That too, if i think more about it. I do feel pretty much left out. I do try to participate in a converstaion, but who listens to me, when she is there.

Its just this situation keeps me wondering. I was always very popular with guys,i dont really go out with any other girls because all are somewhat involved, either married or have boyfriends.So she is the only other girl that i go out with just us girls. And this concentrated attention just on her bewilders me. OK, she is may be more glamorous than me, but there different tastes that guys have. But with her its like she charmes them to the point that i m being comppletely ignored and tell you the truth, i m not having much fun just sit there and looking at all this flirting.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2012):

Hmm Jealous that if she were wanting to spend time with you- she would not indulge in chatting up men and focus on you? So that it is actually girls night out and you don't feel used? That there is some form of genuine friendship?

That's normal and fair.

Also, I do say its odd to decide to take it so personally that she is blessed with being overly attractive.

Since you are in a relationship- why truly chose to care that you are being neglected? I'd be relieved as I can just chit chat when I want and NOT worry about being hit on. This way I am being a friend and company and still faithful to my Love. *shrugs*

I'd tell her out right that you no longer desire to go to bars on the weekends and THEN take up a more fulfilling time glut when the BF is busy at work.

Stop obsessing about it. Move on.

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A female reader, Candid Cally United States +, writes (20 December 2012):

Did you speak up to try and join the conversation? Did you text your friend to make sure she wanted to continue the conversation with the guys?

I don't think you are angry with your friend for being beautiful, nor do I think you are seeking male attention when you go out with her. I think you feel hurt because you expect to spend your time out having fun with your friend but her exotic facial structure keeps attracting men who then consume all of her attention. You end up feeling bored and left out.

Is there any possible way you could bring a third female friend along when you go out? This way you have someone to converse with when 'cheekbones' has directed her attention towards some guy who wants to chat her up.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2012):

Thank u again for your time to answer. I m just going to ignore a question ,whats wrong with you' and not answer if i may, as i find the whole comment quite ignorant.

Soveryconfused, you are right, i need another 30 years to understand how its possible just to stay indifferent. I assumed judging by how even my grandma reacts when someone gives her compliments, that age doesnt matter, but may be im wrong.

About me going out to clubs and the possibility of my boyfriend objecting it is just hillarious, i m sorry, but why on earth would he object. If i wanted to full around i would do it anyway, i dont have to go to clubs for that.

We also travel sometimes separately or spend weekends doing different activities,may be thats why our relationship is lasting because of 100% trust.

I wasnt complaining that he gave me a wrong answer about cheekbones, i was surprised, thats all. I never thought of this part of human anatomy as anything that signifies beaty, thats all. If he actually said that she is smoking hot i would take it as anormal answer,but cheekbones?

Jovias, i dont need to examine my happiness with my my boyfriend, i m very happy with him, and we love each other, planning to get married and have children in a coupe of years. It has nothing to do with i how i feel about him. I alsomentioned that i knew this friend of mine for 5 years and i dont think that our friendship will develop into something more than it is now. As i said, we are not terribly close but friendly enough.

I cant help feeling like that, and may be yes, you are right, a certain level of maturity needs to be reached to look past this but at 24 this is how i feel when im ignored in her presence.

I think i will use couple first advises and just will make up reasons not to goto this particular places with her.

There is nothing for my friend to realize, she is really not doing anything to attract these guys attention, its not like she is in their faces or starts any conversations. They came up to her. Like this weekend, we sat at the table for an hour, and the minute i steped out to the bathroom, a guy came up to her. Then his friend joined, and both of them just looked at her admiringly and talked to her. It was going on for 2 hours. They were listening to every word she said, even she commented on it after we left.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (20 December 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony aunt"It doesn't matter how old or how involved we are it's always nice to have a feeling that you are beatifull(sic). And with my friend it's very hard to feel like this."

OP, yes it does matter how old we are. I'm 52 and when I get attention now it's weird. I had a young man say something to me the other night I was out with my much younger gf but the Very young man came up to me in a diner and complimented me out of the blue... and I found it amusing more than flattering. And when appropriate aged men admire me (and they do) I don't even notice. When OLD men admire me (I'm talking men in their 80s and 90s (and yes they still look at pretty girls then too)) I find it as amusing as the young guys.... It's weird to me that I manage to appeal to all age ranges of men.... but I certainly do not define my beauty or attractiveness by it.

And it's very possible that the most striking feature of your friend is her cheekbones. Almost all models have VERY HIGH Cheekbones and that tends to define what we see as beauty..... so maybe that's it.

I am also a bit concerned about your lack of self-esteem in that you feel the need to have your ego stroked by men that you will dismiss as nothingness.

So if a man goes after you in the club, you're just going to shoot him down anyway right? So why does it matter?

Ya know what I would do? I would go to this friend since you like her so much AND TELL HER why you don't want to go to the clubs with her. HER response will tell you if she's even aware of this or not...

And it's NOT her fault that the guys go after her but she's probably putting out those vibes too and you are not probably if you are truly happy with your BF.

I have to be honest with you, my husband (age 39) trusts me 100% loves me to dress sexy in boots/heels short skirts and tight low cut tops... and he gets a kick out of men admiring me... but I can assure you he'd not be too happy to know I was out with a gf clubbing... dinner out is one is fine, even movies are fine...

Just saying that maybe you can find new activities to do with your friend.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2012):

why do you need to get attention from guys at bars / nightclubs, dont you have a boyfriend? dont you love him? whats wrong with you?

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A male reader, Serpico United States +, writes (20 December 2012):

For one, what did you expect your bf to say? "Wow - she is SMOKING hot! Talk about the ass on her! Id really like to get with her!" That's not really a fair question to ask him and complain when he gives you an answer that wont hurt your feelings.

That said, it appears you are much more concerned w this gal than your bf is, so you really shouldnt care if she is around you or not.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2012):

I m glad to see men answering, thank you. But I guess you need to be a girl to understand that we don't have to act on a anything, but we love to hear and be appreciated in the beauty department.

It doesn't matter how old or how involved we are it's always nice to have a feeling that you are beatifull. And with my friend it's very hard to feel like this.

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A female reader, ImmortalPrincess United States +, writes (20 December 2012):

ImmortalPrincess agony auntI agree with Scorpio - If you have a boyfriend, then why do you care so much about getting attention from other men in bars and clubs? You're not available to act on that attention, but she is.

Otherwise, yes - Plan other activities with you friend. There are plenty of things to do, besides hanging out in the usual "meat-market" type places.

Or if you just have your heart set on the bar and night club scene for evening activities, ask some of your other friends to go a long as well - that way it's not just the two of you. With other women in the mix, the attention she draws wont be as noticeable.

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A female reader, Jovian Erinys United States +, writes (20 December 2012):

Jovian Erinys agony auntI would really examine your own happiness with your boyfriend (isn't his attention for you enough?) and more importantly, why you emphasize on the superficial, insignificant, AND impermanent thing such as beauty. Your insecurity is causing you to really see how this friendship could develop into something that you may never experience with anyone else. Friendships that are profound are not easily formed or found. Whether you stop hanging out with your friend or not, this insecurity will persist in other ways and limit your ability to grow, fully. I would consider taking a break from going out with her but I would really work on seeing people past their physical appearances. Friends tend to be happy for other friends when those other friends are feeling great about themselves - but you can only feel great about other people's happiness when you're content with where you are in life, overall.

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A female reader, Xx-Scorpio-xX United Kingdom +, writes (20 December 2012):

Xx-Scorpio-xX agony auntI agree with the other poster, you can lie a few times to stop hanging out so much. Why not ask to go shopping with her, or meals or some other activity instead of just nightclubs/bars?

Though if you have a boyfriend, you probably shouldn't be too jealous that your friend attracts guy attention~ she's the one who would be able to openly do things with guys picked up in a club?

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (20 December 2012):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntThis is one of those cases where a little "fib" is allowed.

You can choose those times when you WOULD like to spend some time with her..... BUT, other times, if you'd wish to "pass" her invites.... simply tell her that you have to wash your hair that evening.....

(You girls use that on us guys often enough....!!!!)

Good luck....

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