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I found out b/f has been cheating all along. He's going to be deployed. Do I break up with him or wait?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 August 2011) 6 Answers - (Newest, 1 September 2011)
A age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I few days ago i found out my boyfriend has been seeing another girl. A few nights ago he was in the bathroom and his phone went off. I looked at it and it was a text from a girl i'd never heard of saying "Hey, looking forward to seeing you too x". I asked him who she was and he said she was just an old school friend. He goes back to his home town every few months to visit his dad and school friends and he said he knew this girl from school.

At first i didn't think much about it but then i started to wonder why he'd never mentioned her before. I ended going going through his phone and there were loads of text messages from him to her and vise versa. Things like him saying he missed her and how sexy she was etc The last few messages were from her saying that she couldn't do "this" anymore because he had a girlfriend (me) and that she felt hurt when he'd see her then go back to me.

He was texting back and begging her to see him. He was saying how he cared about her so much and that she hurt him. He asked her to come over to where he was staying so she could stay the night and talk. She said no. It looks like she hasn't text him since.

The thing is, he's deploying next week and he doesn't know i know all this. How can i tell him i know when he's leaving to go into combat in a dangerous country? Do i break up with him when he gets back after all he will have gone through? I don't know what to do.

He must have been seeing her every few months because that's when he goes to visit his dad. Do you think he likes her? I don't know what to do anymore. We've been together nearly 2 years and it looks like he's been meeting up with her nearly that whole time. I asked a mutual friend if they knew her and she said my boyfriend and her used to be sort of friends with benefits in the past.

View related questions: friend with benefits, text

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A female reader, muso888 United Kingdom +, writes (1 September 2011):

He obviously hasn't put your feelings first or had any respect for you so why should you do any of those things for him? Dump the loser. He much more than deserves it!

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A female reader, Challenged United States +, writes (1 September 2011):

Do I think he likes her? Whether or not he likes her is not important. What is relative here is that you have been lied to and cheated on - and that requires that you protect yourself regardless of his relationship with others.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (31 August 2011):

Ditch him. Yes, he is going abroad to a dangerous place. But that is on excuse for cheating, and it's no excuse for you to sit there waiting to move on. Don't waste even another second on someone who treats you this way, no matter who they are or where they are going.

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A female reader, RedAthena United States +, writes (31 August 2011):

RedAthena agony auntHe is old enough and brave enough to be in the military and go off to a combat zone.

Then he can certainly handle you telling him off. If he wishes to see you before he leaves hug him and tell him to be safe. Then let him know because of his choices in the relationship, you will not be the girl waiting back home.

No need to put it off.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011):

The fact that he's being deployed is not sufficient grounds to delay what has to be done. The same reasoning could apply to any one of us who could be hit by a bus at any time.

And that philosophy also applies to him. He could have saved you making a big commitment to him until he was home for good. He could have worried that while he was gone you'd meet someone else and he could have done his best to make a positive and lasting impression to keep you.

He did none of those things. He allowed you to pass up other opportunities and make him a big part of your life while he was playing the field.

If you thought you might only have a few months left, would you spend it trying to be the best person you could be and cherishing the time you had with loved ones or would you spend it bed hopping and stringing people along?

Dump him now.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011):

He may be going off abroad and in harms way but he's an adult and he has obviously been seeing this other girl. If you are unhappy and this situation is a deal-breaker then you must end it. He has this other girl in the wings so I would not feel guilty. Do not end up running your life because of duty. Go find yourself someone who loves only you. Honestly. Why wait when you have a chance to rebuild now.

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