A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I really don't know if this is the best place to be asking for advice, but I can't afford a counselor and I'm too embarrassed to tell any of my family or friends. I'm hoping someone on this site can help me.My wife has always been the keep sake type. She loves keeping pictures of her and old friends. Even ones of her and old boyfriends. (she does at least, keep them out of sight and in an old box in the closet together with all the other ones.) She says she considers them the same value as ones with just regular friends of hers. I am different. I don't have any pictures of ex girlfriends. I feel it is disrespectful in a sense to my wife. But we are just opposite I guess.Anyway, I was cleaning the house to surprise her, and I mean cleaning! Everything, garage, closets, etc...and I saw her box. She never told me it was private or not to open it, in fact. She would hardly open it. As a stage of her life passes, she just throws pictures, tapes, etc in the box and leaves them there.Once in a blue moon she will open it. I think 2 times in three years. Long story short, I opened it and saw a tape at the very very bottom. I was curious, and I popped it in an old vhs player we still have. It was a mix of many things, friends at the park, etc, etc, and I was about to shut it off when the scenery switched to a bedroom.She only had two ex boyfriends, she was from a small town. She dated one in high school, broke up, and in college dated another one. The towns high school had a graduating class of 80 students. The two guys knew each other, but never really hung out. She broke up with the second guy and a year passed. Well, to my total disbelief, the video turned out to be a sex tape. It was a video of her, and her two ex boyfriends, having a three-some. I won't go into the details here, it's painful to even think of it, but everyone looked like they were having the time of their lives. They were drunk, given, but still...When I confronted her she broke down, and said she meant to throw it out a long time ago, but was always afraid I would see it in the trash (i take out the trash) or somehow someone would find it and end up watching it. She said they had a class together the last semester she was there. Time had passed, and they had a study group along with two other people. They got to talking about old times, and laughing about how the two guys hated each other for a while because they both dated my wife. And the study group turned into a party. That everyone got drunk, and she started making out with her college ex, and the high school guy turned her and started making out with her and things got out of hand from there...I NEVER thought she was capable of such a thing. Even drunk. I'm not sure if this actually had the power to change how I feel about her. To think, those two guys know they both had her, and they are thinking to themselves, "what a loser husband, he has no idea..."What should I do? I moved out for a while to clear my head, but I don't know if I can recover from this....
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male
reader, AlessioV +, writes (20 August 2016):
Very similar to my case, except I knew very soon after the event happened.My wife of 7 years jerked off a guy in her sister's wedding party, inside the wedfing party limo as it drove from the church to the reception hall.I was dutifully waiting at the reception hall while my wife was jerking off some guy until he ejaculated all over her hand and a part of her body.This was done in front of the entire wedding party, and it was the women in the party, most married, who egged her on to do it.We are still married after 35 years and 4 children, but it still bothers me.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2011): You didn't think she was capable of doing what she did. THAT IS THE CORE OF THIS. Not the tape, not the exes, not the timeframe. In your mind and emotions, this discovery has changed the woman you are married to. You thought you were married to a woman that would never do such a thing. (No, it's not a crime. But IT IS something that many people find disgusting and they don't want to be involved with someone who would engage in such a thing. People have the right to find certain sexual activities unacceptable in a serious partner. Others don't have to agree but that is everyone's right to choose when they are selecting their partners. Period. Let's move on.) Now unfortunately the woman you used to believe you were married to is gone forever. Now you are married to a different woman than the one you believed you were, and one who is capable of something you don't think very highly of. Whether this event in her past is important to her is beside the point because it's important to you. Her wanting to be married to you is not the only criteria for a marriage, you also have to want to be married to her. It takes two. You may not want to stay married to her anymore. This has to be traumatic as hell, and some traumatic things are too much for a relationship to survive no matter how much your rational mind wants to be able handle it.I wish there was a happy ending to this but I doubt it. You might have dealt with this in her past if she had just told you about it a long time ago early in the relationship when you were still getting to know her. But when you discover it like this the damage is pretty irreparable. There will be plenty of people lining up to tell you it's no big deal. But that's easy to say when they're an unaffected bystander and not emotionally touched by the whole thing. Much less being emotionally wrecked by it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011): Thank-you for posting on here- it seems as though you are going through a difficult time at the moment and it helps to talk and write about your feelings in order to begin to understand them. I am unsure why you feel that keeping pictures and objects of your past is disrespectful to your current partner? As your wife says, she finds value in them and the box is a special place for her old memories and her past.Having said that, finding a video like that is a difficult thing to find, and it seems as though you are reassessing your relationship and her after this revelation. Would you like to say more about how it feels? I wonder which issue is most important for you- her not telling you about the video, or the fact that you saw these two men with your wife?You have to remember that this was in her past- she did not deliberately sleep with these men in order to hurt you in her future. Talk to your wife- she may be deeply ashamed of her experience, or she may feel that it helped her grow and develop into the person she is today. And you have loved her the whole way through- she is still the same person, so why has she changed in your eyes?You also need to think rationally about your response. You feel that those men are now laughing at you for being a loser. How likely do you think this is? Those men probably never think about that time, and if they do it is probably in passing as to a drunk night at college. Think back to your own relationships and sexual experiences- do you think of them now, and the women's partners, and laugh at them because they are unaware of your involvement with her?It seems that you are feeling insecure about the relationship, which is a completely understandable reaction. However I would advise you to get out how you feel on this thread- tell us you hate her, you want to kill the men that did this, that you are jealous, what ever those emotions may be. And then TALK to your wife, explain how you feel to her. She may be feeling upset to, and it is only by talking about this experience and working out how your relationship goes forward from this point that you can resolve things.Good luck to youxx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2011): Personally I think there is definitely something to be said for burning that tape in the dead of night. Send that evil thing back to the hell from whence it sprung.On the flip-side... it is kind of petty to be getting all uppity about it. I mean this was before she ever met you. Perhaps her standard were just not as high back then. The she met you and it pretty much made that experience seem like a disappointing teenager's attempts at sex versus your Tantric all nighter.Who she slept with before you, and what acts were performed in said sessions, is none of your fucking business, mate. Just tell her that it creeped you out that she would keep that video under any circumstances and tell her that you wish to ensure it never again sees the light of day.I would also seek reassurance that your sexual escapades together completely trump that night of alcoholic debauchery (and no, being drunk is not an excuse. You are well within your ability to say no if on the drink. It doesn't create feelings, just makes it easier for you express the ones you'd ordinarily prefer to keep hidden).Flynn 24
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2011): Im in agreement with Honeypie, we all did stupid things when we were younger, its a learning process and hopefully we never make the same stupid mistakes again.
You done the right thing by moving out and having time to think, most would have just ended it there and then. You've shown you are not going to give up that easy and are willing to find a way to fix this.
Again I agree with Honeypie, both of you should bonfire the tape and move on from it together. I would also suggest you both bonfire anything else to do with old boyfreinds / girlfriends so nothing like this will ever come between you both again.
Your future isnt written down anywhere, its yours to make, so dont let the past ruin what you can have.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2011): It happened in her past. I'm sure you are not a perfect angle.
"I NEVER thought she was capable of such a thing." You are acting like she committed a crime.
"I'm not sure if this actually had the power to change how I feel about her." Then maybe YOU don't really love your wife. She is still the same person.
"To think, those two guys know they both had her, and they are thinking to themselves, "what a loser husband, he has no idea...". Give me a brake you think your wife is the only one ever to do thing.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 March 2011):
 She wasn't WITH you when this happened. She was young, drunk and stupid. Allow her to have made mistakes in the past without you DRAGGING it up. Haven't you done something STUPID in your younger days?
And really? Who cares what those two guys think? She didn't want them.. she wanted YOU and married YOU.
Ask her what she wants to do with the tape and respect her wished. ( I suggest you bonfire it..) Might be cleansing for the both of you.
Get over it. That is my advice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2011): Ok..There are moments in life when we take steps towards wrong,intentionally or unintentionally at that moment but later on regretting over it.May be this was your wife's case.Threesome is something that many people do hate but your wife has not cheated on anyone and i think thats far worser.you have seen something that you should not have seen, just rewind the time and go back when life was cool and good between you two and if she is sorry that she kept the tape till now,then you can give it a thought.the most important thing is whether you two love each other and are honest to each other at this moment.Its very hard to take the sight in that i can get, so just take your mind off think a while whether you will be able to be with your wife without mentioning it in future.Still if the incident is lessening your respect for your wife, you must move on.Good luck
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A
female
reader, Ima FreAk!  +, writes (25 March 2011):
 Hiyaaaa,
I don't know if I'm the best person to ask this because I'm only 17 but I do know how women thinks! Hooray!
In life we all make mistakes whether it could cost you your life, friends or even the person you love. Everybody makes mistakes but it's not about making mistake, it's not a crime, it's about learning from your mistakes. If your wife is truly sorry for what she is done and will learn from it that is the best thing.
Learning from mistakes is something that not everyone is good at and honestly... it will hurt you but remember that everyone makes mistakes.
And being a girl I know that it takes a lot of courage for a man to forgive her for what she's done.
I know it's hard to forget but remember how much you love her and that you must try not to think of her that way.
Don't move out! Hell noooooooo! Just talk to her and tell her your mistakes because remember always cherish a woman otherwise you'll lose her!
Hope my 17 year old advice help!
Good luck :)
Lots of love,
Ima FreAk!
x
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (25 March 2011):
 This 3-some happened before she met you. We all have things in our past, we cannot just wipe them out, they happened!!If you decided to leave your wife, who is to say the next woman in your life wont have a past?I do understand this has been a horrible shock to you, however it is something that is over and done and cannot be undone.I am not condoning what she did, but when alcohol is involved inhibitions disappear. Why dont you ask her to destroy the tape infront of you, or you destroy the tape? Is there no-one you can talk to? Your Priest or Minister in your church - they dont charge for their assistance, and as this is a huge issue in your life, please ask for their help.
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A
female
reader, d'writer  +, writes (25 March 2011):
 You seem to be a very decent guy and honest, too. I could not imagine how you have been taking all these stuff about your wife. Keeping a threesome sex video with ex-boyfriends? To me, she seem to have some psychological problem. I can sense that you truly love her, but my question is, is she worth it? So easy to say, just leave her, but I know it's not so easy for you...you need some break, clear your head then start to really ponder what kind of woman you really want to spend the rest of your life with. You are still young and there is still sane women out there who is not sick in the head just like your wife.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2011): Being drunk is no excuse and she could have destroyed the tape any number of ways but chose not to. Im assuming she wasnt always living with you while she had the tape, so the 'always afraid I would see it in the trash' bit is rubbish. She should have destroyed it before you got married and not brought it into the marriage home! Ask yourself this question:-If she is capable of this and kept it from you, what else has she done and not told you about?
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