A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. I am hoping you can help with some relationship advice. My 'boyfriend' won't invite me to where he lives with his Dad. Ever. I have never met his Dad although we've been dating for 1 year, and he hasn't told his Dad I exist. He has never met any of my friends (apart from 1, brief accidental meeting when my friend dropped around). He has met my parents and I had Christmas Dinner with his mum and his step-dad. I have never met any of his friends. He works shift work and does overtime a lot, so I don't get to see him much, and when I invite him to dinner parties with friends etc he always seems to be working. He has only slept over at my house once in the past month. We speak every day. He recently divorced from his ex-wife and I was divorced around the same time. There is some overlap between his seeing me and still living with his wife, but he is adamant they weren't sleeping together. I wasn't aware of this overlap until recently. So effectively he was lying to me and his wife. I've only ever been with one other man, so I'm not sure if this is 'normal'. It feels like he's just not really interested, if I compare it to the love etc I see in some of my married friends, but he is always telling me he loves me. Any ideas?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008): I was married for 13 years, met my boyfriend very soon after I had moved out the marital home. He wanted to live with me but I said I needed my own space - it was an important time for me. I did not 'spread the word' about my new relationship for 12 months and so far my boyfriend has not met my parents because I was going through divorce and people can judge. Sometimes you want to work out a relationship for yourself, give it time, before everyone jumps in with their opinion (which is sometimes harsh and difficult to handle - and could even affect the relationship). Maybe his Dad is opinionated. Maybe his ex was very involved in family / friends and they are just getting used to her not being on the scene. It can take a while for things to adjust - sometimes longer for other people than the two people in the relationship!!! Be encouraging but not pushy. As long as you two are not sneaking around that is ok for now - but try and arrange or suggest a really low key casual meeting with friends or family. Is there a wedding or party forthcoming at which you can be the guest? I know its hard but think you need to give him a little longer.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008): Divorce is difficult. If they don't like each other enough to get divorced, I wouldn't worry about the overlapping dates. This is obviously bothering you, so I would tell him that you would like to meet some of his friends. If he says 'no', say that you'd like him to meet some of yours at least. If he says 'no' again, tell him how much he means to you, and that you want to take your relationship public. Say you aren't comfortable with everything remaining quiet and that it seems like the two of you are hiding something, which you're not.
Confrontation is the only thing that can really change things. If he's not comfortable with you meeting people yet, set a specific date in the future. Good things come to those who wait, so don't take it personally if he doesn't want to right away. This probably has little to do with you and more to do with him and his past relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2008): Divorce takes along time to get over. I think going back to live with his dad would result in a blow to his self esteem. He as said he loves you, yet you compare your relationship to your married friends. There is no 5 minute fix here you need to give things time.
Good luck
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