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I finally met a great guy - but he's so selfish in bed!

Tagged as: Dating, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 November 2012) 6 Answers - (Newest, 19 November 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

After being single for over 2 years and meeting a string of losers, I decided to give internet dating a go and met a wonderful guy about 6 weeks ago. He makes me laugh, he seems to care about me and he has told all his friends and family about me. He takes me out and treats me right - result!

We started sleeping with each other a couple of weeks ago. His idea of foreplay is pulling my pants to one side, using his fingers for a few seconds then entering me without even undressing me, stroking me, or any other form of foreplay. I am a very sexual woman, however like a lot women I am more into foreplay then penetration, I find it difficult to come from just sex.

The sex normally lasts about a minute and I am left unsatisfied and frustrated. He will kiss me briefly then clean up (sorry if this is TMI!) and proceed to tell me how relaxed he feels and ask me to spoon him. Meanwhile I am not.

Later I will try it on with him again hoping to finally achieve an orgasm and he will tell me he's tired and not in the mood. He told me when we first met that he has a high sex drive, yet I am wondering if he has? Either that or could he be getting it somewhere else? We are not officially in a relationship, he says he wants one but wants to take it slow for now. (if only he applied that mentality to the bedroom!)

I really like this guy but this is weighing heavily on me! I am also worried he is not attracted to me sexually as he never pinches my bum/strokes me, complements my body. When I moan about my weight (I have gained a little and gone from a size 8 to a size 10) he does not say anything to make me feel better, he just tells me I need to exercise more.


View related questions: foreplay, in the mood, orgasm, sex drive

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2012):

Definitly w Cerberus on this. First, I would NOT have sex until you are committed unless you are looking for something more casual. Second, when you do have sex, kiss HIM, guide HIS hands, undress him, push him on the bed and undress while he watches. Be the instigator, get on top, kiss him all over, let him touch you, you dont need words to show him what you like, but dropping hints and asking isnt a bad idea. Ask him to lick you, when he penetrates you tell him what you need, "gently, slowly, harder, faster" specific, helpful and simple all in a single word. Straight to the point and beats a long hurtful and ego-crushing convo about how dissatisfied u are. See if that changes anything.

Oh and moaning about going up a size = annoying, and answers you may not want to hear. Hes not trying to be mean, hes trying to SOLVE your problem. After I had our kids, I hadnt only gained weight, I got stretchmarks, and saggy skin ick, major body change that I HATE... my husband- who is wonderful, said, He would jog w me, go on walks, take the kids to the park, ect. He was SOLVING my problem. But if Iasked him if he was attracted to, hed respond always positively AND show me. Complaining about your weight and ASKING if u are attractive are two different things with answers that vary completely. Goodluck n best wishes.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (19 November 2012):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntThe only "issue" that I detect in your submittal is that this guy is a LOUSY "lover." His concept of what is "lovemaking" is right out of a 12-year-old's diary....

I suggest that - if you are going to continue to see him (and, probably, be intimate) - that you sit him down and say, "Hunchie-bunchie, when we do what you think is lovemaking it really offers no gratification to me. And, rather than perpetuate my void..... let's set about to learn what "lovemaking" is that WILL get my fire started."

You and he could get DVDs, magazines or books which will expose you to REAL lovemaking/sex.... and you will probably BOTH benefit from it....

There's no reason for you to NOT "have sex" while HE gets that evasive enjoyment that we guys all crave..

Good luck....

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (19 November 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntok you have two issues.

1. you are not in a relationship with him yet according to you and yet you are having sex with him albeit, it sounds lousy. you don't even take your clothes off... ewww... does he leave money on the night table too so you can 'get yourself a little something" cause it sounds like prostitution to me.

have you told him he's not sexually satisfying you when he goes after you. have you said "STOP" when he pulls your pants and then when he touches you and goes to pull his dick out of his pants? NO? well then it's on you to make it better. Next time he's got a raging boner and wants IN you tell him... NO not until you make me cum. if he blows you off, then this early on in the relationship (and the key is he wants sex but he's stringing you along with the "I want to take the relationship part slow" you know it's all about him.

Personally I would tell him "no sex till we are committed and you can prove to me that you can satisfy me" you may not have to leave him as he may leave you (and do you a favor)

as for your weight... men don't get it. if you are not happy, then do something (it's hard i know I KNOW) but to say something to him less than "do I look ok?" is not cool. fishing for compliments gets you angry and him confused.

just ask right out loud: "does my weight bother you?"

he sounds like he's just a lousy lover. I'm married to one... it sucks.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2012):

"When I moan about my weight (I have gained a little and gone from a size 8 to a size 10) he does not say anything to make me feel better, he just tells me I need to exercise more."

That's exactly what I would say too. OP moan to your girlfriends about weight, we guys couldn't give a damn about your weight and frankly compliment fishing in that way is annoying to us. The only answer you want is "oh baby, snookikins, you're beautiful, you're not fat oh my god hun, you're so amazing!!! 3" Sorry OP I think I just threw up a little. Stop fishing for compliments. It's very immature and he was giving you practical advice on how to fix it, so either follow his advice or don't but you'd do well to stop or he'll start to think you're an insecure drama queen.

OP just ask him to when you're in sexual positions. People will say sit him down and talk to him, don't do that yet. He's had no feedback from you about what you want or how you like it. So next time you get frisky whisper in his ear that you want him to lick you dry and gently guide his head down. The way to approach this is to ask him to do things to you. Don't tell him your dissatisfied unless he refuses. He's only getting to know your body, let him know what you need, what you want and how to do it. Do it in a fun playful way too.

Seriously though OP, don't like your weight? Then exercise more, balance your diet better and do something about it. Don't complain about something you can easily change just to get compliments. It makes no sense to many of us guys, don't like something, change it.

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A male reader, Hennessy1989 United Kingdom +, writes (19 November 2012):

Hennessy1989 agony auntFirst off there is nothing more annoying than for us guys than hearing a girl moan about their weight, so I don't blame him for saying you need to exercise more if you're unhappy with your weight.

As for the sex/foreplay have you told him how you feel? Tell him the things that turn you on the most, show him what you want, sometimes us guys need the obvious pointed put to us.

I'm sure if he knew you were left unsatisfied he would put in more effort, especially if he wants a relationship

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2012):

Sorry I should have specified, I am a UK size 10 so not exactly obese! I am 25 and he is 31.

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