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female
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anonymous
writes: I finally broke up with my emotionally abusive ex. But why didn't I break up with him at the times where it was really ugly between us-like when he was being unreasonable and getting mad at me because I wouldn't smoke or get drunk (which I don't do either in the first place). At those times I knew he was acting crazy and being so stupid for basing his happiness on if I got drunk or smoked disgusting cigarettes. So, why didn't I break up then when I was so unhappy? Why did I wait a year to break up with him, and break up with him over something that didn't even have to do with that? Of course, I'm not regretting my decision. I'm relieved and thankful I finally got free!
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female
reader, sanrio.kawaii  +, writes (29 November 2009):
Youve broken up with him and moved on. Its all over and done with. So why are you here fishing for sympathy or praise when its not even relevant anymore?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): You broke up with him when you were ready and able and Well Done!! During those earlier times you perhaps were not ready to make the tough step of walking away but somewhere in your mind you must have known he was not good for you so it was just a matter of time. I was with a violent man years ago and I finally left quite calmly one day (not after a fight or anything) when the time felt right. All of my friends asked me 'what happened that made you finally do it?!' etc etc and I couldn't actually answer them. All I know is, that I knew I would leave him one day and one day I just did, just like that. It was weird. I cried for the whole day that day (not sure why but perhaps through relief and because we had 2 children together ... ) and have never looked back!! Who knows! Good luck with an abuse free future!! I know what it's like to be abused by a man and I wish you all the happiness that you deserve.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): Hi Hunny
Probably for the same reasons I didnt break up with mine when they were controlling and trying to get me to do things all their way, Because you wanted to please him at the time even though you did not want to participate in his enjoyment and ridicule of what you didnt wish to do.
As soon as it calms down or you get a sudden burst of enlightment to as why you are trying so hard for someone who is the weaker of the couple.
And therefor you become the stronger, It is all a learning curve hunny you grow from it and as your growing you become stronger, It goes for both men and women in abusive relationships and I belive that my strength has come from all the crap Ive had to deal with over the last 20yrs and Im far stronger and confident than I have ever been. I hopes this helps ypu hunny TAKE CARE WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (13 February 2008):
 Hi there,
Good for you for being smart about leaving a bad relationship.
As for your question: So, why didn't I break up then when I was so unhappy?
In my philosophy, at the time, he (or the relationship elements) may have addressed your emotional needs as a woman. In the time that has passed, you have grown as a person, and your emotional needs have changed, and thus he no longer could meet them, so you could finally move on.
-Frank B Kermit, author of Everything Out Of her Mouth is a Test, a man's guide to the emotional needs of women.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (13 February 2008):
Hi there,
Good for you for being smart about leaving a bad relationship.
As for your question: So, why didn't I break up then when I was so unhappy?
In my philosophy, at the time, he (or the relationship elements) may have addressed your emotional needs as a woman. In the time that has passed, you have grown as a person, and your emotional needs have changed, and thus he no longer could meet them, so you could finally move on.
-Frank B Kermit, author of Everything Out Of her Mouth is a Test, a man's guide to the emotional needs of women.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (13 February 2008):
 Well, I can only talk from my own experience; I was in an emotionally abusinve relationship for 15 months. However, it only became "abusive" after about 6 months.Why did it take me 9 months to leave? Well, I suppose, for me, I'm a very loyal person and don't believe in giving up on anything at the first sign of trouble and since I was in love I wanted to stick by her. I didn't want to just abandon her.To some extent I think I stayed with the hope this was just a phase since she was going through some tough times. However, there never seemed to be anything but tough times with her and in the end, and after probably giving the relationship too many chances if I'm honest, I left.I think it took a while since being on the receiving end of "emotional abuse" will have knocked your own confidence and self esteem. Perhaps there was also an element of fear that you were never going to meet anyone else so clung to the relationship?Perhaps there were feelings of guilt that kept you in that relationship? I know I felt this.After leaving, I noticed I had changed. I didn't like the changes I saw in myself. Who am I? Where had the old me gone? What happened to the lively, jokey, fun me? My life was totally consumed by her and the worst part is I let this happen.Perhaps you can relate to these feelings too?I would like to say well done on getting out of it. That's a huge step! NEVER LOOK BACK! And you'll meet someone who appreciates you. JUST MAKE SURE YOU NEVER EVER LET YOURSELF GET INTO THAT SITUATION EVER AGAIN."You never know when/where lightning will strike" and takes things slow :)WELL DONE AGAIN!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): It takes guts to break up with someone and often it takes time. It may be the wrong time but the right decision so congrats on having the strength to do it. by the sounds of what you said it was never goin to go anywhere in the first place and all your ex wanted was a drinking/smoking buddy rather than a girlfriend/partner in life. Go out, have fun, meet new people and make friends and most of all - be happy :)
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A
female
reader, Zoggi +, writes (13 February 2008):
When you are a victim of any kind of abuse, it can make you feel very vulnerable, isolated and helpless (as I'm sure you know.) You probably didn't feel strong enough to fight back. Sometimes when you are being totally dominated by another person, you actually start to believe that you deserve it, and turn your depression inwards. When you are subconciously blaming yourself for what is happening to you, it's almost impossible to stand up for yourself. It's great that you finally managed to make your escape though!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (13 February 2008):
 Congrats to you !.You became a door mat or you thought you could be a martyr.You soldiered on , accepting , forgiving and rationalizing his every actions and you were dying inside.You had your doubts and indecisiveness until it daunt on you that your relationship had nothing to offer you and it was going downhill all the way.
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A
male
reader, Kawika  +, writes (13 February 2008):
 Good job! I think some people stay in an abusive relationship because they think he or she will eventually change. But, the majority of the times it is the factor of control. He probably had such a emotional and psychological grip on you that it made it harder to leave. Kind of like the mindset of cults. But hey, live...learn...and move on. Based on his thinking, I wouldn't be surprised when you look back 10 or 20 years from now, he'll probably be broke, homeless, and drunk.
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A
female
reader, sugar_sugar +, writes (13 February 2008):
 Maybe you felt so low when you were that unhappy that you just weren't strong enough to do it?Maybe you felt that you needed to help him through his behaviour, as much as it angered and upset you?Maybe you still had hope in him and thought it could change?Maybe you needed to see it through till the very end so you could walk away without any doubt?Who knows, but you're out of it now and that's the best thing.As a complete stranger I'm very relieved and happy for you too, things are going to be so much better from here on.
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