A
female
age
41-50,
*hamandalie
writes:Hello again. My ex and I have been apart for 5 weeks now after 3 years and a half together. It was a bad breakup and if we both had not assumed that the other wanted it over we might not have ended it.It's been 5 weeks and my sadness is growing stronger and stronger. I cry every day and feel as if I was frozen in the moment we broke up. He wants to be friends, so we're still in touch by chat and e-mail. But I really don't think I can do that. At first I tried to move on with it, but I feel I can't. Specially because he was always very kind to me and the problems came from my side, not his.I was not the one to end it, but something happened (he took a vacation the day before my birthday and told me once he had everything set-up) which made me angry for the 1st time in 3 years. I made the mistake to tell my mother about it. She really hates him for no apparent reason, so she and my father filled my head with 'you should leave him' and the such. So I stopped talking to him until he returned. When he did I was determined to continue the relationship, but I had a very bad fight with my mother the moment I left home to meet him, so I arrived all broken and just went along with the breakup. I felt I was not strong enough to deal with all the problems that would come.Now I've been feeling increasingly unhappy, to the point where I no longer feel any will to live. I feel that if I were happy I would be being unfair to him.I wrote to my ex about it and he said I should see a psychologyst and focus on myself, not him. I told him that I can't do that because I hate myself for letting him down. I also told him that would be my las e-mail to him because I don't want to upset him anymore.I really don't know what to do. At home they want me to pretend I'm fine but all they do is bring me further down. I have lost all I ever wanted and feel it was my fault. I hate myself so I don't want to get help. But I don't want to kill myself either. Is there any way to get out of this? How do I begin? And how do I shake the guilt? I've never forgiven anything to myself, not even the most trivial thing. How can I forgive myself for this, even thought I don't want to?
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female
reader, Shamandalie +, writes (25 May 2008):
Shamandalie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAbout 3 months have passed. And now I can proudly say that I'm out of the biggest part of the mess. Distance and some good friends made me realize that it's not the end of the world.
I still keep in touch with my ex, though he's been acting in a rather unpleasant way towards me. But well, as some of you said, it was mostly his fault (not entirely of course). I guess I'm better off now, more confident.
I'm also seeing a psychiatrist. Not in order to get over him, but to get rid of some issues I've been dragging around since adolescence.
Anyway, I just wanted to say thanx!
A
female
reader, Shamandalie +, writes (2 April 2008):
Shamandalie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI love him, I know that. And the worst part is: we took a 1 week break i october, and I saw how much I missed him then. Then all the vacation things happened. Today I told him how bad I feel and asked how he managed to get over me so easily. He didn't reply. He was way over his head about me, and I was so insecure and influenced by others. And I think he was influenced by his workmates. My 1st appointment is in 2 weeks. I'll keep you posted.
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A
female
reader, Cindy303  +, writes (1 April 2008):
 Funny you mention the Star Wars movies. The famous "I love you" and the reply of "I know". I have heard those words myself so many times. How hard it is not to hear "I love you back" What was George Lucas thinking when he wrote that script????? Anyway, I think that it is good that your keeping the lines of communication open with your ex. Making an appointment to talk to somebody is a great step towards regaining something for yourself. I wish now I had done the same for myself so many years ago. I needed somebody to talk to that was not in the mix of things. I hope that going and talking to somebody helps you. You need to remember that your parents are not the one in the relationship. They are not the ones living your pain. Dont let others bring you down by being negative during such a difficult time. Keep me posted on how the appointment goes. Best Wishes, Cindy
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A
female
reader, Shamandalie +, writes (1 April 2008):
Shamandalie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe story is a bit complicated. He was really into me and wanted us to move in together etc etc. My mum (she has quite an amount of issues) used to like him a lot but then, as the relationship became more serious, she started to develop feelings of hatred towards him. She would get at me because I left on a Sunday afternoon to be with him, or arrived home a little late (about 10pm, nothing big). I always took my vacation with him, but this year she and my dad sort of put a lot of pressure on me to take my sister out for a vacation. I did, hoping that I'd be able to take my 2nd week with my boyfriend (he, in turn went with his family). But then on the 2nd week they 'asked' me to stay home while they were away.
I feel guilt because he was always trying to help me with my family problems. He always said "I'm happy if you're happy". I really don't understand why he left me before my birthday. But we weren't very well near that date. I was really depressed and I was being a little mean to him (not returning all of his loving for example, or not making plans with him).
I'm still in touch with him by e-mail and chat. In fact he was happy (or so he told me) to hear that I made an appointment with a psychologist today. And I've already told him a few times that I still love him. Today he said 'I know'. I couldn't help thinking of Star Wars...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): Why do you feel guilty . He borke up with you. To me it seems like you nothing to apologize for . Do what your bf said . FOCUS ON YOU NOT HIM. stop feeling so sad about it and move on . thats the best advice I can give you .
*~VG~*
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A
female
reader, Cindy303 +, writes (31 March 2008):
My first question to you is do you love him? Do you love him so much that you believe that this was a mistake? I dont think there is anything more agonizing in this world then losing the one you love. When you lose them over something like pressure from others, that is even worse. I speak from experience, after walking away from a relationship with a man I loved so very much. I walked away due to pressure from my family friends to end it and leave him. The man I loved. I would say if your this upset and in your this much pain, then you must love him. The hardest part is trying to move on and pretend your okay, when inside your falling apart. I will tell you this much. If you love him and you want to be with him, tell him. Dont let others in your life persuade you to do something different. Sometimes in life you have to be selfish and make yourself happy, even when it means letting others done. Best of luck to you.
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