A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating this girl long distance of 6 months now, and we are planning to move in together in 2 months. She has had many more sexual partners and failed relationships as well as a marriage when she was still young. Where as this is my first real relationship and the first women I have ever been with. We are both the same age and in our early 20's.We both get along great together and I feel like our relationship is in a good place. But the problem is that she is looking for that guy to have a family with someday. I am also looking for that girl but I don't know if its her because our relationship is long distance and we haven't even lived together yet.I told her in the future i see us traveling, having fun and experiencing life together which could lead to a family possibly. But right now I haven't even thought about kids or marriage considering our relationship has been long distance and there is still a lot to learn about each other.This girl deserves a proper wedding and a family because I love her and I want her to be happy. I'm concerned with the relationship because I feel like this is being rushed way to quickly and quite frankly I am not ready for a family/kids, someday a family is quite likely. Do I know if she is the one? No, I don't because we are in a long distance relationship and its only been 6 months.I have told her all this stuff and she did get upset because she is taking a huge risk in moving to live with me, which i understand. I want her to move here because I love her and our relationship is great and I want to get to know her more. Am i being selfish? Am I looking at this the wrong way? Should I know by now if she is the one? Early 20s is to early for me to be thinking about this stuff, around the late 20s early 30s seems more appropriate. Any advice/suggestions would be great!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGreat advice everyone, I like this girl so I will continue to reassure her that I do enjoy her company and I like where the relationship is now. But if she brings this stuff up again and I will just tell her exactly how I feel. If that means we have to break up then thats fine because we both have different goals. I don't know if she is the right one, and she has to understand that in order for this to work. Or she can leave, kind of harsh but its the truth.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2012): You are not being selfish you're being reasonable and wise. She is the one being selfish. I mean the fact that she got upset at you when you were honest about where you stand shows that she doesn't have your best interests in mind. She just wants you to fulfill a role in her life for her benefit and she feels entitled to having you do it. Do not let her rush you. Women like her have been known to trap a man into marriage like secretly going off birth control to get pregnant and using that to ensure you will always have ties to her.I suggest you take this relationship back a notch even if it means breaking up and just being friends while dating others. You are not on the same page. Clearly she feels that moving in is a promise to marry in the future. Do not mislead her or it will only upset her more and since you sound like a nice caring guy you are prime target to be manipulated and guilt tripped into marriage. You will then end up a stereotype lonely unhappy married man wondering what happened to his life and how he ended up like this. And you will stay in the marriage anyway because by now you're not young anymore and feel like you missed the boat.Don't even start down this path!
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (19 October 2012):
In this case I am sure she likes being told what she wants to hear. At the end of the you need to stick to your own guns and the future you are comfortable with and merge it with hers, slowly but surely.
There is nothing wrong with your views but you should speak up more if you have some doubts and discuss these things. Or it could just be a phase of speech with her as she maybe looking for some confidence or achieve a sense of direction. Either way, get to know her more before you jump into her fantasies.
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (19 October 2012):
 If you hadn't been long distance it might be a different story, but you can't know how compatible you are together until you've actually been together, in person, for awhile. What happens if you decide to get married and then you can't ever move to be together?
If you want to start thinking about this stuff one of you needs to make plans to move to be with the other. Otherwise there is really no point in even considering it at this point.
She's likely saying it because she is feeling a strong need to close up that distance somehow/feeling lonely and thinks having you make that kind of commitment will help with the distance. Reassure her you love her and want to be with her, but that you simply feel too young to be considering marriage. And then the two of you should figure out when you can move to be with each other.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (19 October 2012):
 She is rushing it. She should have learned a lesson in her past. She married the wrong person because it was a haste decision and it's unfair for her to make you ready when you are not. You've done enough of your part explaining your readiness. If she asks again just repeat what you said. I would never move to be with another person, especially someone who's not ready. What she is doing makes her sound like a nester. I wonder what her parents think of this. Using her big risk of moving to manipulate you into feeling guilty about not feeling it, would be immature and selfish. You are inexperienced but luckily you have common sense.
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