| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My married boyfriend left his wife for me. We were having an affair for 8 years prior. He moved in with me in November. But instead of feeling happy about this new beginning like I am, he acts hot and cold. One day he is loving and attentive and the next he's moody, emotionally unavailable and distant. I'm trying to love him but he keeps putting up walls. I feel like he is always angry with me and he mostly makes me feel inadequate and bad about myself. I feel like he doesn't know what he wants but he left his wife for me. What can I do?
View related questions:
affair, moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2021): When a man is thrown out by wife he did not leave his wife to be with you. He came to you because she did not want him and he had nowhere else to go and you were plan B.
That is the first sign it will not work.
You go on to say at least a dozen reasons why he would make an awful partner/lover/husband even if he was younger and single. So why did you want him? It is not about love.
When you love someone enough to put up with them being married you have to like them a lot too, you paint a picture of a man you do not even trust, respect or like.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2021): Thank you Honeypie. It's the OP. I found out he told the wife he left to be with me that he went back home alone (that he is no longer with me) and hopes she will forgive him for what he did to her. He told me he hopes to go back to his comfortable previous life with her. She has gone south to get away from him. He asked her if he could travel there and stay with her and she said it wouldn't be a good idea. He told me all this when he came to pick up the rest of his stuff. So he left to start a new life with me but he had baggage and wasn't sure of his decision. I picked up on his indecisiveness and uncertainty because of his hot and cold behavior and we argued a lot. He always seemed conflicted. And I constantly worried he would walk out. He said our relationship didn't pan out as he thought. He only stayed for 6 weeks. It didn't have a chance. He said I didn't trust him and treated him like I was a warden and yet we were stuck in a small condo because of Covid lockdown. I did not trust him. He was right. I did not trust his commitment to me. He has left me before and was showing signs he would do it again. He told me he needs to get his head on straight. He has anger issues which he said he took out on me. He said he also got angry with his wife. He said he doesn't know if he can be part of a couple. He is very much a loner and is extremely independent and self absorbed. He said he will be getting therapy to figure himself out. He even told his wife he's getting therapy. But I am not so sure it's to fix himself as so much as a self serving way to get back in his wife's good books. He told me he needs space. And doesn't want a relationship with anyone. I think he is not being truthful. I think he has someone else on the hook who lives in the country his wife is visiting. They went there together in the past. It's my gut feeling that he has used me all up and went as far as he could with our relationship and is now seeking a good time with no strings. I think I became too much like his wife. And he needs a woman who does not question him and let's him do whatever he wants. Love means nothing as much as him having his way and I was never subservient and had my boundaries. He wanted a lot of freedom in the relationship. Too much for me to feel comfortable with. His wife gave him a long rope and that's how we started. I would always be afraid he would replace me when I failed to make him happy. Having a lot of freedom could only create opportunities to hurt me. And his standards have always been very high and he is a very critical person. It seems nothing is ever good enough for him and I always felt like other women were always my competition. He always made me feel bad about myself and it was always his way and if I had a different opinion or stood up to him, he would try to shut me down with anger. I loved him through it all. And he left ME. Ever since he got home, he has been on WhatsApp so many times. He never used that app once when he lived here. I just get the feeling he wants to behave as a single man and have non committal fun while hoping his wife will return. And he needed to leave me in order to escape my watchful eye and have the space he needs to carry on another fling. I think he has been lying to me like he lied to his wife. I think he has treated me the same way he treated his wife. I think he has moved on to somebody more exciting. But I have to ask if a man will ever grow up? Surely most men would treasure and hold onto a woman who loves them. He had two. And he hurt us both. He is three years shy of 70!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (13 January 2021):
 Maybe it's for the best, OP
It might not FEEL great for you, but maybe it's time for you to realize that you DESERVE more from a partner than getting "leftovers"?
My guess is he will come back and give you the "I really love you" song and dance to hook you again.
When a marriage breaks down and ends - there is a LOT of turmoil (for everyone) - he HAS to figure out how to take responsibility for WHAT he CHOSE to do. To his family and to you. My guess is he doesn't want to. So instead its now all your "fault" so he left.
It's ABSOLUTELY unrealistic that a person can be married (even unhappily) and then the next day be wholly engaged in another relationship. A wife and family is not just something you "toss" to the side and ride off into the sunset with someone else, not without consequences.
I hope you work on moving on, that you BLOCK him from your life and when you are ready to date again, STAY far far away from unavailable and married (or separated) men.
Time to mourn this relationship, and move on to something better and healthier.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2021): It's the OP. He left me last night and I'm just so devastated. I really loved him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2021): This really is disastrous and it is very unfortunate that 'you reap what you sow'.I'm not here to judge you but I am concerned for your safety.Clearly the wife discovered his infidelity and kicked him out!This is now the man that you see.My guess is that he has a borderline personality disorder.He will be constantly changing from hot to cold and this is quite probably what his wife endured until she left him with justifiable cause.You have assumed that you have caused this problem and are starting to feel bad about yourself.As your fling - guy isn't particularly emotionally stable you should tread extremely carefully.Just kicking him out really puts his back against the wall and he will certainly take it to mean that you have destroyed his life and now you are making him destitute and homeless! He will see you as the ultimate she-bitch!He won't think to blame himself.All the anger and pain will just erupt out of him and you will become the token of everything that has hurt him.I think he will lash out at you.Not verbally only but physically as well.It is a terrifying reality that many women are killed in their homes.So be prepared to leave if it gets too extreme.And keep your mobile near you at all times.Check in daily with your mum if you have one or your sister or anyone who could vouch that you would nt just 'disappear' overnight.You have everything to loose and he feels he has already lost everything.Find things to be optimistic about for the future.Share these happy thoughts with him on your good days.Give him the feeling that he can have a future.Of course I could be wrong ....he could be just stressing over the time he has lost with his family.Tell him that he could always go back to his wife and that the greater good in you wouldn't stand in his way.Project yourselves towards some future happiness that you could enjoy after covid.Find some little reason to get advice from others if you can. E.g. your doctor.Or secretly contact a woman's support group to get advice and help.You don't have to explain about the affair as it's not that important how you got into the situation.It's more about getting help to cope with where you are at now.It's no good blaming anyone when you are in a crisis situation.You just need to survive the current times you're in!Maybe you could suggest getting a puppy or rehoming an older dog.That would require one of you getting out of the house to exercise the dog.This may become very effective as a stress buster.And when one of you doesn't want to walk the dog then the other gets an hour in the home alone which is also useful.But above all contact real people on the phone daily to let them know that you are ok even if they are completely ignorant of your circumstances it's a good idea to get some outside help in the form of a conversation which you can keep as lighthearted as you like.And anything else that keeps you sane and on the map.We are far away and can't offer immediate help in an immediate crises so find local resources and store their numbers on the phone.Consider using any 'mistress tricks' that you have for now and reconsider the situation when lockdown ends. And it's no good blaming yourself because you need to keep your wits about you.If you have to blame anything then just blame covid for ruining your lives because he will probably be in agreement on that point.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2021): From personal experience, I can say that cheaters cheat and the only way for them to "settle down" is for them to grow old/get tired/run out of options. If you want to be the one to test this theory and be content because he chose you when he "ran out of gas", than it's ok.
When I say personal experience... I cheated ob my bf because I wasn't happy in my relationship. I would have left but he was mentally ill and I thought that that would kill him (literally). I found my way out of the relationship and learned my lesson. Cheating sucks for everyone. Me included.
Some people just do whatever they want to do and disregard others (narcissists, for one), I'm not that kind of a person.
The person I was cheating with was married. And it would have go on for years, had he not moved out of the country and lied about finding someone else. I really loved him, even though I knew that we would never end up together. So here's what he did:
- he cheated on his wife with me
- then he met on a holiday a woman with whim he cheated on his wife and me (if I count)
- he left his wife for her but not me (I had no idea that he was now living with another woman in a another country), he made plans for us to be together as soon as he gets his sh*t together
- a good friend of mine told me about his "arrangements" and I left him.
- for a couple of years he went back and forth between his wife and this "new woman" and they accepted this kind of behavior, before settling down with this "new woman", who just happened to be well of
- he continued cheating on her for as long as he could and she kept turning the blind eye
- he contacted me a couple of years ago to say that "I was the love of his life" blah blah
Now here's the truth: I did love him, but I don't know if he knows what love is. He sure thinks he loved (at some point) his wife, this "new woman" and me. Especially me. Had I been a solution for his problems (let's be honest, money and connections) he would have probably chosen me and cheated on me when our relationship became "ordinary". And if I stayed in the dark, he would have grown old and tired and "chosen me" (stopped cheating).
I would have been miserable, but it would have been my responsibility, having chosen to believe a cheater.
Eight years is a long time. You have spent a decade out of your adult life accepting this kind of behavior. If you want this to change you need to change. Stop accommodating him. Show your true colors (start respecting yourself) and if he leaves you, you'd be better off . Unless you do that, you will walk on eggshells forever, fearing that he might leave you.
Both you and his wife are similar. You tolerate this kind of behavior. You are just a copy of his wife in this regard. Think about it...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2021): Hi Honey pie. It's the OP. His wife didn't kick him out. He left of his own free will. If he had stayed, he would just have continued in an unhappy marriage out of convenience/obligation.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 January 2021):
Thank you for the update, OP
He never REALLY did "work" on his marriage with her if he kept in contact with you all along and only went NO contact for about a month. I mean, how can he claim to want to work things out with HER if he still kept you around (even if it was just to talk to)? (which is 100% on him). He heart wasn't in it. You wrote that the WIFE found out about the affair, so maybe SHE did kick him out more than HE left her?
Maybe he really had no other option? (than to leave)
I am of the belief that if SOMEONE truly loves another person than their partner they END that relationship OR marriage before pursuing the other - they don't carry on an affair for years. He only wanted to work on his marriage AFTER he got caught. 8 YEARS after the affair started with you. That is what a SELFISH person would do. Have his cake and eat it too. Screw YOUR feelings or wants and needs (for stability and commitment) and Screw the wife feelings, wants and needs (for FAITHFULNESS, trust and respect).
He really should NOT have come live with you straight out of his marital home either. He has had NO real time to process this end of his marriage and where the road now leads.
He went from one woman taking care of him (as a wife and mother of his children) to you now taking care of him, a man who is now wrestling with what he did to everyone.
He didn't end his marriage like a MAN but like a coward, and he knows it.
Sure, it would be easier if you two could go out and "have fun" because that way REALITY could be shoved away for a while here and there. As things stand with the "Plague" you can't. So he has to FACE head-on EVERY day what he did. What HE and YOU did. To him family. Because you were a willing participant too. No, you didn't OWE him wife of kids anything (except maybe respect and common decency) but HE owed them SO much and he FAILED.
Give him some space.
And remember this, if he says he wouldn't get a mistress with you, he is probably lying. Why do I say that? Because he DID after all LIE to his wife for 8 years. She might have thought their marriage was doing OK. He didn't TALK to her 8+ years ago to tell her he was unhappy, he didn't TRY and figure out HOW to make his marriage work... NO he started seeing YOU. You REALLY think down the line he would TALK to you? Tell you? OR would he "drop his pants" elsewhere?
Him saying: "I would never do that to you" doesn't mean shit. No offense but you are not so special compared to the wife, that he wouldn't treat you like he did her.
Sorry to be a Debbie Downer here, but a man (or women) who will cheat for 8 years is not someone who is exactly trustworthy when it comes to commitment and relationships. IMHO.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (11 January 2021):
 Most married men never leave their wives, and like the thrills and excitement of having a mistress on the side slipping of to play when ever they can.
He had this excitement for 8 years, so now he has moved in with you the fun is now over and reality has set in.
The relationship your having stems from a lie, unfaithfulness, he lied to his wife for 8 years, so on that basis how can you ever trust him?.
Trust is one on the most important ingredients in a relationship, with out trust a relationship is doomed to fail. This relationship with always be lacking in this area so i think that you should let him go and put all this down to experience.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2021): Having read your update OP, it seems you are hellbent on fooling yourself. In this instance there's very little advice we can give and I can see he's done a number on you.
He's manipulated you into thinking he really loves you and has no regrets (well he's never going to come out and tell you otherwise is he?), but even better yet, he's made you think the arguments are your fault because of your insecurity.
I could go on but in all honesty i've been there and it's a losing battle for us.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (10 January 2021):
 This is just one of the reasons why being the other woman rarely ever works out. Honestly OP, the best thing you can do is to end things. Its very unlikely that things will work out between the two of you because more than likely he will always blame you for the break up of the marriage. He may not even realize it but from the sounds of things that is what will happen. Let him go and give yourself peace.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (10 January 2021):
He's dealing with two things here: the reality of being with you full time (there's always an adjustment when you change a relationship like that), and mourning the end of his marriage.
Be understanding and encourage him to speak openly about how he's feeling without you getting upset or your feelings hurt. If you suspect he thinks he made a mistake then maybe it's time to move on.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2021): What did you expect? This should not be a surprise!
Why do you let him call all the shots, that never works. You need to grow up.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2021): Being somebody who has been in your shoes, I can't stress enough how important it is for you to let him go back to his wife.
He is missing the comfortable life of having his cake etc just like they all do. For your own sanity, for your own selfish needs in life, send him back and find somebody who is completely emotional available to you.
I promise you, nothing but heartache and regret is to come of this.
Just search of the mistress posts on here - i've provided detailed answers on a few of them, they're a good eye-opener.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2021): Thanks for your answers so far. It's the OP. Well it's a very lengthy and complicated history between the two of us. For the sake of helping you provide advice, he left me last year and told me he'd work on his relationship with his wife after she found out about us. But he kept in touch with me, feeling torn and unable to detach from me. Later he told me he couldn't keep having a relationship with me while working on his marriage so we parted ways. I let him go. A month later he ran into me by chance and we started talking again. I told him I still loved him. He told me he loved me too. And always would. But despite my loving him, I told him I no longer wished to be his mistress and if we resumed our relationship, he couldn't stay a married man. That I could not continue indefinitely being in the mistress position. He knows I've loved him for years. I was emotionally attached from the beginning or this would not have happened on my end. I told him I could not be his mistress any longer and that if all he wanted was fun and games or sexual thrills that I'm sure he could find plenty of other women who would have meaningless, no strings sex with him. That he should let me go. Because I want more. My feelings have grown more serious and I want more from this relationship. It's either leave me for good or leave his unhappy marriage. He made the decision to leave his marriage. I was moving on when he told me he told his wife of his decision as well as the rest of his family. He feels guilty for what he did to his wife and family. But he said he was no longer happy with his wife. They tried but it just didn't work between them. He's feeling guilt. And I have a hard time trusting him and his intentions. I worry I will get boring and he will need another mistress at some point. He swears he will not. That he loves me. And is happy about his choice but not if we have constant arguments because of my insecurities. Also being in the middle of Covid and lockdown surely doesn't help matters. A new beginning in the middle of a pandemic is a challenge and he has a lot of time to focus on questioning his decision and feeling guilty. There's nothing much to do! If we were out living our lives and having fun, it might be a better atmosphere as well. I am still hopeful. But feel guarded.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2021): Let him go back to his wife; if she still wants him. This might be fate's revenge. You won't be able to trust him. His guilt and regret may never leave.
Getting a man who left his wife for you, isn't the best way to get yourself a man. You're feeling insecure, and maybe a little guilty; thus you had to write a post for advice. Guilt may always be the specter haunting your relationship.
You were complicit in cheating on his wife. This outcome is often the payback. She deserves retribution for the betrayal. The usual rationalization or justification is that they had an unhappy marriage. Then why is he feeling regretful?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 January 2021):
I think reality struck for him.
He thought he was getting the greener grass, but in reality he wasn't.
There is a reason most relationships that started as an affair don't work out. They are built on a shitty foundation. A foundation of lies, lust and deceit.
My guess is he is blaming YOU for HIS choices and actions. Because it's easier than him owning his own crap.
Is this really how you see your life from now on? Being with someone who runs hot and cold and makes you feel like shit?
Personally, I would accept that the affair was a BAD choice on your end, letting him move in was an even worse one. Why? Because he went STRAIGHT from her to you. So he has had NO time to adjust to not being MARRIED to her any more, not having all the benefits of being HER husband. His family, friends and perhaps coworkers all see him differently, perhaps in a not so great light. He sees himself in a not so great life. Also... You are no longer the "hot stuff on the side" you are the one he chose (unless the wife kicked him out so you were all he had), you are now a mundane woman he is living with. It's no longer the "hot illicit affair" - it's not the taboo anymore.
What can you do? Have him move out.
If you still want to explore a relationship, he can live elsewhere and DATE you.
If you don't think it will actually work out with you two, end it and ask him to move out. And then LEARN from this.
Nothing good comes from shitty immoral behavior. What goes around, comes around. Who knows maybe this is what he acted around his wife, maybe this is WHO he really is... Her win for sure. You got a dud prize...
...............................
|
