A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HiI'm shy slightly overweight and I've been seeing my bf of 17 months regularly. He comes over between 1 and 3 times a week, lives just 4 miles away and we love each other.I love him because he's attentive in many ways, has a lively personality and we get on very well. He gets on well with my youngest son (17) who lives with me too. Problem is, we havent had sex in 12 weeks, he's slept here about 3 times since and i've either had a period or he's felt abit unwell.. excuses i think.We are different types of people but we do get on well and enjoy each others company, he's a night owl and could easily be up til 3am whereas i get tired at around 11pm. I manage to stay up with him alot and he will come to bed around midnight but watches tv in bed before thinking of turning his attentions to me!I do initiate sex, but i get no where unless he's in the mood.He has no problems with the mechanics of sex because I know he masterbates every day, several times too but he says recently that he doesnt feel comfortable having sex with me because my son is around. He watches lots of porn at home and is happy to satisfy himself there without me. He has lived with other women before and they had children and he never mentioned this being a problem with them.Adding to this.. my income has dropped recently and i'm worried about my finances, I asked if he would move in with me as he lives with his parents to save money since ending his last relationship 2 years ago. He said he would half move in and pay me rent (his parents don't rely on his money) it would save me having to rent a room in my small house to a stranger and would mean we would have some kind of intimate relationship.Yesterday, he backtracked and said i would get more money if i rented the room to a stranger after all. This isn't something i want to do as another person in the house would mean even less intimacy between us.He has a habit of backtracking on things he says to me. I know people often say things they dont mean and i now don't believe anything people say until it happens, so i don't feel disappointed..but he's my bf, and after a year and a half together and with no sex in the last 3 months i'm wondering whether i should move on for these reasons..1. We don't have much sex, and none in the last 3 months.2. He sometimes says things that he doesn't carry out.3. In some ways, I have been a closet gf for the last year and half although he's going to tell his family about me in the next few weeks so that I can spend time with him at his house..(we'll see if that happens!)4. No committment or plans to commit to me.He has said he would like to have a long term relationship with me and live together one day when he's financially better off, but he sees my son as abit intrusive in our relationship as he doesn't go out much like he used to (just started work) and he likes to sometimes sit with us and chat to my bf like a mate! however.. my son is never in the bedroom with us!! I'm 44 and he's 46, never married or had children (his choice) but over the years had 'step children' when living with ex gf's. Sometimes, i think some of my problems with him are down to his failed relationships making him cautious. but i'm getting fed up being alone and want a proper partnership. Am I expecting too much from him or should I break up with him?.. but it will hurt me to do that.I should add he's very stable with me and we discuss my issues rather than argue, but he's always got a reason why things aren't going the way i want them to. He seems happy with things the way they are saying.. he doesnt worry about things he can't do anything about!.. I disagree.. if he loved me.. surely he'd make more effort in the bedroom? or even move in with me now that we know each other very well??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2012): just thought i'd update this as the original poster..
After a week of talks about the difficulties of our situation, he's invited me over to his house tonight for a meal and to meet his mum. I'm also going to a show later in the week and will meet up with his uncle and his partner.
Whilst the intimacy side is still an issue, his work life is changing for the better in the next few weeks and will be earning more so he's planning on getting his own place in the next few months.
He wanted to keep things very slow for many reasons. One answer on DC suggested we have NO affection, that was never the case, we do cuddle alot.
I think i was right to stick this one out after all but thanks for all answers! sometimes alot of patience and a pinch of diplomacy can pay off.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2011): If you rarely get visitors and he is the only one who visits then you will probably still accept his crumbs and excuses till YOUR circumstances change.
There must be a way you can make new friends, single or married, even married people are allowed to socialise away from home you know! Make your New Year resolution to get out there into the world and find new interests, if your worried about money then rent that room, you can pick somebody who YOU want in your home,make it short term,say 3months to see if you get on.. Do some voluntary work one evening, take up jogging..have you heard of www.parkrun.org.uk ? Build a life, be pro-active..slowly his importance will fade.
'Do the same,you get the same' so don't be back on here in a few months saying nothings changed......
Good luck x
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A
male
reader, tobson  +, writes (30 December 2011):
wooo - you are together for 1.5 years and he has not told his parents yet. That would make me think a lot.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 December 2011):
 Your update says a lot. I mean, one reads your post and you sound aware, mentally and emotionally balanced, not a lovestruck teen- so one can't help wonder why you are clinging nail and teeth to this prize of a man.
Because you fear loneliness, and you fear that without him life would feel too empty , predictable and unexciting. So you need some troubled romance to make it lively.
I think you know that you are flogging a dead horse, and I think you know two weeks won't solve anything . With all due respect, wordlywise, yours is very good advice, but for it to work we have to assume that HE cares about making an effort, and I feel we can't assume that.
The guy is 46, still financially unstable , still living at home with his parents, still not looking for committment, still keeping you in the closet as if he were a teen that does not want to " loose face " with his homies, still not doing anything ( not even , I don't know, planning a short vacation away together ) to take things to the next level . Pardon me ?... Dead horse if I've ever seen any.
" Who is born as a square won't die as a round " . Oh sure, people CAN change at any age, they can turn their life around IF THEY WANT: he does not want. He's happy comfy and cozy like this, at his terms and conditions, which you don't challenge out of fear of loneliness. So he gets all he needs out of your relationship- and you don't . Sexually , for instance. He's fine- he does not even strictly need you to fulfill his needs, he's quite satisfied with porns and masturbation ( several times daily ? And , at this rythm,are you really surprised that he has not much of an appetite for the real thing ?! He's not a teen anymore, his supply of sexual energy is not unlimited anymore ). He's fine , but you are not....
But that's not even the main issue. The main issue seems that you want two different things and won't even admit it. You want to live together and have a proper partnership NOW. He says that he maybe will " one day "- one day when ?, he's pushing 50 already. He COULD have an adult , mature relationship if he wanted, one where your son staying at home and chatting with you would not be seen as intrusive, it would be a normal, PLEASANT part of FAMILY life. But it does not sound like a real , adult relationship is what he wants, he seems perfectly contact to date ( on the low down, behind his parents back ) as an eternally riotous teenager.
So, try with the ultimatums if you wish, or have some more patience . But frankly I think that if you keep having patience .... you are destined to post on DC always on the same subject for years and years to come !
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 December 2011):
 MOVING IN TOGETHER TO SAVE MONEY is a lousy excuse and reason to live together. GET a ROOMMATE for that.
Having him move in will NOT change the intimacy of your relationship. IT will not FIX what is broken. It will NOT make it better. There is a saying: “familiarity breeds contempt”…. It’s very true…
No sex in three months… not even affection? I think if we go more than two weeks we are crazed… and we are very playful and affectionate on a daily basis…
Saying things once in a while but not following through… depends on what it is… and how often it happens and how important to you it is… If my guy says “I’m going to do blah blah blah” and it gets to late then he can’t do it that’s one thing… I often say “I’m going to wash my hair tonight” and then change my mind when I get too tired (washing my hair is a detailed event that only occurs a few times a week due to specialized treatments I need)
HE’S NOT TOLD HIS FAMILY ABOUT YOU after A YEAR and A HALF—BIG HUGE RED FLAG HERE SWEETIE.. He’s not 17 he’s a grown man acting like a child. My fiancé has NEVER been in a serious relationship.. Never wanted to get married… did NOT believe in marriage. These are things he told me when we started our affair… within WEEKS of my marriage ending we were talking marriage… I just shook my head…. How did we get from NEVER getting married to let’s get married as soon as we can…. BECAUSE HE’S IN LOVE! MEN IN LOVE want to share it with the world! They want to BRAG on you… they LOVE YOU and expect the whole world to see you through THEIR EYES…
If you WANT a commitment and he can’t give you a commitment then you probably need to move on.
It’s not his failed relationships making him cautious.. it’s his personality, it’s how he feels or does not feel about you… it’s his way of operating…
You are right, he’s just not that into you…
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): I'm the original poster...
I mentioned being slightly overweight and shy at the beginning because i was going to explain i'm quite introverted in a way, not many friends and tbh my only visitor at home is my bf! I rarely get visitors, rarely go out and my few friends are busy and married with youngish children. I would really miss my bf's companionship if we broke up.
thanks for the advice worldlywise i think the two weeks might be a good idea.. see what happens.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): This is difficult, the no sex is not good, the backtracking on promises is bad and the fact your a 'closet' girlfriend is terrible after all this time.
I would give him an ultimatum, a definate time limit for meeting the family,say 2 weeks. If it doesn't happen, move on.
And why mention your slightly overweight in the first line of your question...thats got nothing to do with anything. Its him who has issues with relationships and the fact he's living with his parents at his age makes it easy for him to shirk any responsibility or commitment.
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