A
female
age
30-35,
*eh2014
writes:Please don't judge, I have never had a LDR. That being said I have had a crappy relationship and I know how I want to be treated. I made the decision just recently to be exclusive w/a guy I had known for a month, who had to move out of state. I really care for this guy and we really connected. We have been Skyping about once a week and exchange texts throughout every day. The thing that really got to me though was the time it would take for him to answer back if he answered at all. I tried to talk to him about it and the next day. My texts went unanswered for 6 or more hours. I then about had it and told him straight out that I would be open to dating others if this behavior didn't change. I started feeling like a last or no priority as, at that time, he wasn't busy and didn't have a job. Now a couple days after he is more attentive, but I do have doubts how long that will last. Should that lack of texting be concerning? He was the one who wanted to make "us" official the 1st one who talked about only dating one woman at a time. We have talked about visits, though at the moment that is not possible (we have conflicting work schedules), I know that since he started a new job taking time off is not really possible. Opinions?
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (13 July 2016):
 He'd be silly to give up an opportunity after only a month, like you said, OP.
Also, I'm all for healthy LDRs because there are 7 billion people in the world, so it's unlikely (if not impossible) for everyone's soulmate to live close the whole time. Besides, plenty of military personnel are married or in committed LDRs.
As for knowing when the distance would be closed, that's not always possible early on because life gets in the way or it's a new relationship and you shouldn't really be thinking about moving to be with someone. It's also tricky to know what would happen, like people who go away for university; they don't know where they'd need to go after uni to get a good job, so that could change plans.
However, LDRs only work when enough effort is put in by both people. Not texting for hours is fine; even LDRs shouldn't be mostly constant texting. Make time for a phone call every other night or something. Plan dates like watching a movie at the same time or cooking the same meal while on Skype, etc.
There are lots of ways to make an LDR work, but if he won't plan dates (once you suggest how they can be done), you can't do phone calls regularly (instead of constant texting), etc., then it's fairly doomed to fizzling out.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2016): In high school, college, and every other state I've lived since I grew-up and left home; everyone I met on my journey swore we'd always be in touch. We'd never be like most people who say they will, and don't. This is easy to say, but not easy to do. Life gets in the way. We change, and our tastes in people and types we date evolve. Facebook friends are not really friends. You spend face-time with real friends. You need their company in real-time. You connect with people through emotion and physical contact.
Technology is a means of communication and tools to facilitate in doing a task. It is not a conduit to intimacy or emotional-connection. It's artificial. Cold and detached. I don't care what anybody says. Try to have an intelligent conversation with a person who keeps a phone or tablet stuck in their faces.
You took his promise completely to heart. If it was his idea, how come he's the one the least committed to the LDR? What does that tell you? He was sparing your feelings and trying to make the least emotional departure as possible. I absolutely detest when people treat you like a child and tell you what you want to hear. In my opinion, that is exactly what he did.
You have to own some responsibility for the decision to accept his proposition, and then ignore all the red-flags.
To be honest, most men take much longer than women to form emotional-attachments. Men tend to become territorial and possessive quickly in a relationship; but women sometimes mistake this for commitment or love. Men have an inherent instinct to protect their mate, the female or male he has chosen to be his sexual property. He will fake a relationship; because he doesn't want any other man to touch the woman or man he has chosen. Even if he's cheating the whole time. So when you're told to take it slow, you are allowing his feelings to solidify. You don't love until you're both on the same page.
LDR's are very difficult relationships. You're offering commitment to someone who is absent. I will not even venture to engage in debates about the number of successful LDR's there are. All there is to support the idea is anecdotal evidence. If you read these posts you'd theorize it's the worst idea ever. I rarely hear how wonderful they are from anyone. They are a strain on marriages and every other type of relationship. People have enough trouble learning how to trust and establish intimate emotional connections without putting miles or oceans between us.
The least likely to survive are new or brief relationships. Marriages and long-term relationships stand a better chance; because they are well-established. Marriages are legally-binding. People are apt to put more effort in keeping the connection alive. They know they will eventually be together again; because they know each other on many different levels. The love is mature, and the waiting is less laborious; because you can wait for your spouse or long-term partner. That is because of your history and deeper emotional-attachment.
You haven't enough to hold on to, and his actions don't backup his words. It's good you had only a short period of time to attach. It makes detachment less traumatic or difficult. Cut your losses, and just let him go. You simply cannot maintain a relationship that is only a month old through digital devices. There's very little to miss. Most of the time he spent with you was preparing for his relocation. He was totally distracted.
Dump him!
...............................
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (12 July 2016):
I suppose with many young people, their relationships revolve around texting and count the time between each text. In reality not every is built for LDR and you can not fault someone for that. You are waiting on a response for 6+hrs but on a flip side, you might come off as annoying and clingy if you can't last 6hrs without a text. A normal workday is 8+hrs just to keep that in mind. Of course, I understand that the situations are not the same, but you can't go into a LDR and expect all your needs to be full filled.
The things that you should be focusing on are the things you do together. For example, plannings to meet up, daily/every other day skype calls, general pleasant gestures of appreciation etc. If this is happening then that should be fine, but if not, then you jumped to early in this assuming it would all work out. Also you should try a different approach in getting him to change, because you may not know him long enough to figure out what could be done to make things better. Accept it for what it is and isn't and move on, or keep trying.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 July 2016):
 If you are feeling that he is not putting enough effort in to keeping in contact then I think you know that this relationship is not going to last. He may have said its what he wanted, but words are cheap, and his actions speak louder.
...............................
A
female
reader, Meh2014 +, writes (11 July 2016):
Meh2014 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can say though, when we 1st started seeing each other, he knew he was leaving. He was here for a program and I live in pretty expensive city, so I know that living here is not super affordable for someone who is just starting out. After a month I don't really expect him to risk losing a lot of $ for a relationship that is just starting (a nice thought, but not super practical). He is the one that wanted the LD in the 1st place.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2016): He's apparently not that into you. A month is hardly what you can call a relationship to start with. He proved he wasn't that attached, by moving and placing other priorities ahead of you. You're not getting the message.
He had plans and didn't change them for you, or even offer you a compromise. Maybe he did, but you apparently decided to stay put.
A relationship is defined by at least two people reciprocating the feelings and commitment. Let's not leave out how tough it is maintaining a good relationship when you share the same living quarters; let alone living a distance apart. He leaves after a month? Probably something planned ahead and you were aware of; yet decided to give it ago anyway. Well, this is the outcome.
Some people are not good at maintaining meaningful relationships between digital devices. Especially when the relationship wasn't well-established to begin with.
...............................
A
female
reader, Meh2014 +, writes (11 July 2016):
Meh2014 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have met and spent about a month together before he left. He was serious about being w/me, even though he is far away and we have discussed on seeing each other in the future. I don't 24/7 texting because over skype we seem super connected. I'm just being cautious casting my feelings and heart into someone who doesn't care.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 July 2016):
 LDR rarely work long term. When they DO work it's because there is a mutual plan for a future together. THAT is kind of hard to have after only a month.
You two haven't even met? And can't find time to met up?
I think you are BOTH wasting your time on something that never got off the ground.
To answer your question, do I think the amount of time he takes to answer is an indication of her serious or interested he is? Well, yes, and not. You say he isn't working, but I presume he was working HARD on looking for a job? (since he then recently has gotten a job) That he might not BE happy about the move since it seems he had no choice in it?
You might think he should have nothing better to do than text you all day, but reality might be different and quite honestly OP, I think it's unrealistic to carry on SUCH a new relationship through texting. To me it's like learning neuroscience through Twitter.... CAN you imagine trying to learn all the nuances of neuroscience through 140 character messages?
ON the other hand, 6 hours to reply seems careless to me. If it only happens when you TEXT him while he is at work, maybe he is so new he doesn't feel confident texting while working (and I have to say GOOD for him, if that is the reason).
And then we comes to the texts themselves... were they (sorry) the kind of "idle" chatter that he may have thought you didn't NEEDED a response to?
I think instead of you are BOTH serious about each other.. you will FIND the time to spend time together. Not try and conduct a relationship over texts.
...............................
|
