A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone I’m reaching out for help as I’m very frustrated. I’m 40 my boyfriend is 42 both divorced and has a kid, same age 12 years old. We have been in a relationship for a year and kids get along well and once in a while we plan for them to meet and do some activities. There is a problem however and I give you today’s example. He told me this morning that we will meet so I planed accordingly. At noon he called letting me know that his son doesn’t feel like it and wants to do something else but we can meet this afternoon for a coffee so I changed my plan again. Here is 3pm I dropped off my kid at his father to go and spend an hour just for a coffee with him. I’m calling on my way and he said he is still with his kid and his son wants to play more but he will get dinner and come later at my place. Ok! I came back picked up my son and went shopping for more stuff for appetizers and drinks. Here again he texted me at 6 pm that the kid won’t leave! I called him and said I keep adjusting my schedule around him and he keeps cancelling! he said sorry but sounded annoyed and said we talk later. We have a different parenting style for sure. I have a good decision making balance with my son and never have any problems in this regard. Anytime I make a decision he follows. In his case it looks like he has no words and should follow what the kid says! I just feel disrespected. I won’t plan anything the week that we have the kids. . What do you think? Am I overreacting ?
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (4 March 2020):
 I think you need to consider that two wildly different parenting styles will clash, not mix well. If this is how he chooses to raise his son, that’s fine, but if you two move in at some point, your children will not feel happy being treated so differently.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2020): OP again- I need to clarify something. The final plan was my boyfriend and his son come to my place for dinner, all his ideas. When he said the kid won’t leave he meant the kid is not leaving to come to my place for dinner. He wasn’t supposed to go to his mom. He is with him this week and was just lazy after playing hours of video games which we have rules here at my place so he knew the game won’t happen here as my son already plaid his allowed hours. He is a good kid and no tantrum or other issues and the mom has moved on and I don’t think causing any trouble. The kid likes me and my son and there is not any issues or jealousy. I’m disappointed at my boyfriend for lack of discipline and I told him with a good intention that he is setting a bad example for him. He needs to learn to respect others and their time. I can’t and don’t want to teach him any parenting but he told me his ex is ruining any discipline he sets but I see he is not helping it either. Just don’t know what to as WiseOwle said I don’t want to set a bad example for my son. I have worked so hard to get where we are also have a great relationship with my ex husband and my son is very healthy emotionally and physically and we are on the same page with parenting style. I love my boyfriend and he is a great person with rare qualities but a weak father. Just don’t know what to do. I’m very organized and it bothers me to do not stick to plans.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2020): I’m the OP- I just can’t believe some who called my relationship with my son a dictatorship! and accusing me of taking time from the kid while he is with his father! Please ask before you assume and judge. We both have joint custody 50/50, and on the same schedule. I never force my son to follow my decision because I know him well enough to do not make plans when I know he is not interested. Coming and visiting us was his son’s idea and I never force any visits. He called me and said his son wants to visit but the kid kept changing the plan. I have taught my son to think before making any decisions and stick to his words and promises and always consider and respect other people’s time. My son is not selfish and I always get compliments on how mature, well behave and smart he is. My boyfriend wants them to get together because he always says my son is a great influence. I don’t judge my boyfriend I wish I could help but the kid’s mother is so laid back and completely ignores any disciplines and it’s just my boyfriend carrying the weight and trying to fix things. I don’t think I was asking for too much. I’m a planner and plan for my day and he knows it. All I was asking was he shouldn’t just make plans if he knows everything is unpredictable with his son. I got good advices from some of you, thank you very much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2020): I didn't see in your post whether you have more access to your child than your boyfriend has with his child, but if this is the case, then this might be why your boyfriend's child wants to spend more time with his Dad. Maybe he doesn't see him very much and misses him. And your boyfriend possibly has 'divorce guilt', and so finds it hard to put his foot down. Also your boyfriend may well want to spend more time with his son. Your boyfriend shouldn't keep you hanging though, changing plans, that's not fair either.If I were you (and I have been in the past), I would back off. If your boyfriend and his son are together, then make no plans until your boyfriend is on his own. I was with a man who had 50/50 access to his children and so, during the week that he had his children, I disappeared, leaving them to have all the quality time they might want/need. In the end the children were begging to meet me! My point is don't push the issue.Leave your boyfriend to it with his son, who might feel the absence of his Dad very keenly. Maybe he has no other male role model to turn to and at the age of twelve, I would think that he needs that. It wont be long before you wont see your boyfriend's son for dust! He will want to hang out with his friends and this problem will become less naturally, without you being perceived as coming between them. I am old school and have always believed that the children should live by the rules and plans made by their parents, but in cases where there has been divorce and the young lad might be in need of his Dad, well, more slack should be cut. But to stop the boy thinking that he rules the roost, if I were you, I would let my boyfriend know that if he is with his son, I will see him later. Much later. This way your boyfriend wont feel as if he is being pulled in two directions either.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (1 March 2020):
I agree wholeheartedly with Youcannotbeserious. These are *children*. You presumably have custody of yours and he presumably doesn’t. If that is right, of course his son comes first every time because he doesn’t get much time with his dad.Your son does as he’s told? All of the time? With no say? Again, as YCBS said, how will he ever make his own decisions if you don’t allow him a say? He has his own mind, even if you are to make the final decisions. That is balance, not what you’ve described. What you described sounds more like dictatorship.There really should be a time that the two of you can date when his son isn’t staying with him. I really question your attitude to children when you say such things as “the kid won’t leave”. Of course he won’t. He’s a child who wants his dad to spend time with him. In a couple of years, that will decrease.Are you sure you’re flexible enough to date a single parent?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (1 March 2020):
 Four words in your post made me want to hug your boyfriend's son and tell him everything will be ok. Those words were "the kid won’t leave"!!!!!! This is his SON for crying out loud, not come unwelcome visitor.
Do you not see what a sad picture those four words paint? This 12 year old CHILD is clinging onto his father for all he is worth. It is not about him being awkward, or about him giving the adults the runaround. It is about him trying to spend time with the father he probably only sees for a few hours a week (guessing from your post that his father does not have custody). It is also the same reason he sometimes doesn't want to spend time with you and your son; he wants his father to himself for a few hours. Is that so wrong?
Your situation is different because you have custody of your son so you spend a lot more time with him than your boyfriend does with HIS son. I did have to shake my head in disbelief though when I read " I have a good decision making balance with my son and never have any problems in this regard. Anytime I make a decision he follows." In what world is that a "balance"? Where does your son have any say in what happens? I agree that, as adults, parents should take the lead and have the final say but not to the extent that the children have NO say. Your son is 12. Next year he will be a teenager and will slowly start to drift away from you to carry on his own life. How do you expect him to make good informed decisions when you never allow him to make any under your guidance?
Is there no way you can arrange dates with your boyfriend when he is NOT seeing his son? The boys are not going to be children for ever. In a couple of years' time or so, they will both probably want to spend less time with their parents and more time with their friends. Make the most of this time when they need you and want to be close to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2020): Warning: Close association and too much interaction with dysfunctional-families will spillover into your own household. Beware!
Your relationship with your son, is better than that of your boyfriend and his son. Your boyfriend thinks he's being a good father by acting like he's his son's pal. If there are issues between your boyfriend and his ex; sometimes the kid is acting-out in rebellion. Preteens are notorious for their bad-timing; and your parenting-style is apparently more effective. Your son is well-behaved and respectful. You know when and how to discipline your son. Besides, moms and sons usually have pretty good relationships. Boys are also protective of their mothers; and these untimely-interruptions may be the other boy's way to appease his mom! His loyalties lie with her, and his dad is struggling for it.
Kids don't get to call the shots. If they throw a tantrum, or refuse to comply with your orders; taking away their games and devices often gets more cooperation. Evidently, his son resents you; and he's making sure he's getting the message across there will be no time for you, your son, and his father. If dad doesn't take-charge, the brat will! He may also be jealous of your son.
Have a sit-down talk...whenever you actually get some time with your boyfriend! Don't criticize his parenting, you don't have to put-up with it. Make it clear to him that you insist on having his respect; and that also extends to his son. Both are showing you their lowest-regard; and it also sends a very bad message to your son. Proving that acting-up is effective! Plus you're demonstrating that you will allow men to getaway with disrespecting you. It's hurtful to witness it happening to you; especially, if he is old enough to understand why you had to leave his father.
This is going to be an on-going issue, that will likely get worse with time. He's not even a teenager yet!
The boy is at that difficult and awkward age of puberty; and seems resentful of his father dating. I speculate that his mother may be the culprit behind these random last-minute cancellations; when it comes to spending time with you and your son. Baby-mama drama is usually behind kids acting-up with their fathers and their girlfriends. If it becomes increasingly disruptive, the kid may also have some social or behavioral-issues that require counseling and therapy. To include more effective-parenting and discipline!!!
If you don't put your foot down, he'll leave you hanging; while catering to the antics of his rotten-son. Do not fault the child! He is just a kid! Blame the parents!
He has to become his son's authority-figure and role-model; and take charge when he decides to disrupt scheduled-plans or dates. Deny him what he wants, or send him to his room when he wants to act like a big-baby. If need be, take him home to his mother; and proceed with your plans! Also keep it in-mind, that sometimes it may be dad himself who decided last-minute that he doesn't want to spend time with you! Using his son as a convenient scapegoat.
Sometimes guilt-ridden divorcee-fathers have to work harder than mom's to maintain the affection and love of their kids. Kids become disruptive and obstinate to get their way; and to express their resentment over the divorce (or a new girlfriend). Lack of discipline and poor parenting-skills gives the child the upper-hand. They'll just refuse to obey orders, or throw a tantrum! If it works every-time; it becomes a tool of manipulation, and a weapon.
This is a red-flag that he will not be a good father-figure for your son. If he has no control over his son, the constant disruptions will disturb the peace. Furthermore, his son will be a bad-influence on yours! If he notices the other kid gets-away with bad-behavior without consequences, he'll wonder why you're being so strict? He will also begin to resent the disrespect your boyfriend and son are showing you. He can see it upsets you! Then he will go into protection-mode!!! He will start to dislike the other kid! He may only be pretending he likes him for your sake! Being the same age doesn't mean squat! You'll push them together to make yourself feel you're one big happy family. If that were so, you wouldn't be on this site!
If you don't have a clue or the courage on how to deal with it; your best option is to see your way out of it! Before it negatively-affects your relationship with your own son! He needs a happy and stable environment. He's just an innocent kid, and has to tolerate your poor choices in men. I don't care if your boyfriend is a nice-guy, he's a lousy father. His rotten-kid is proof of it!
Trying to bribe kids by being permissive; or showering them with money or gifts in order to gain (or maintain) their affection, is terrible parenting. It seems that's your boyfriend's parenting-style. It is going to unsettle your mother-to-son relationship; and it is already hurting your romantic-relationship. That's exactly the brat's intention! Probably with a little help from his baby's mama!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (1 March 2020):
 I think this is a hard one to explain to him.
He is letting his 12 year old be in control, because he is guilty about the divorce (that is my guess) I have seen it SO often with kids manipulating their parents especially the dads. Mostly because the dads don't have the full custody. So they feel they need to make up for not being there all the time. Usually... it's with buying insanely expensive things for the kids.
My advice?
I don't think he is disrespecting you, but HE is taking you being accommodating for granted. Because HE does whatever the son wants, YOU should too... because? It's EASIER.
Maybe instead of having a talk about this or argument... TRY one day to do the same to him. And if HE gets upset, tell him. So if I can't do it, why is it OK for you to do so? And how can we figure this out?
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