A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Here's my situation. I am 25 years old. Me and my wife have been married for 3 1\2 years and have a 3 year old girl. Our relationship is rocky at best. I love her but I don't get the same respect from her as I give. I have put up with it for 4 years now. She is rarely in a good mood, and always expects things to be given to her and done for her. She does not work and sits home all days and complains about not having anything to do. I have been the only one bringing money in since we started dating. I started thinking about whether or not I should divorce her but I am afraid of losing my daughter. Recently I met a girl at work who seems to have many of the same problems in her relationship as I do in mines. We have a lot in common and want the same things out of a relationship as I do. She has been in her relationship for 2 years and wants to marry the guy but wonders what it would be like if she was with me. I don't know what to do. I know that I won't ever be completely happy in my marriage, even if I don't end up with the girl at work. What should I do, and how should I go about doing it?
View related questions:
at work, divorce, girl at work, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, coutney  +, writes (22 December 2008):
if your not happy tell her how u feel if there are no result then move on dont waste your time everyone deserve respect and happiness good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have decided to end it i jsut dont know what to do next, i mean i have found way that wont have us tied up in court for along time and leave us bankrupt. i guess i am looking to see if there are any option to look at for a divorce, not really options to save the marriage but ways to end it.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 November 2008):
 I see by your other post that you have decided to end the marriage.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008): Get her to a doctor. She seems depressed and needs medical attention. Once her depression is treated it might be a good idea to consider counseling. Get her to a doctor, there are lots of medical factors that could be having an effect on her mood swings such as hormones etc.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni apologize for the misunderstanding about the "office romance." i am not haveing an affair. there is a girl at the office that i do have a connection with but we both understand that i am married and she is in her own serious realtionship. neither of us would would ever do anything. besides if we did, and we ended up together after the divorce and she left her boyfriend we woudl both have it in the back of our mind that the other cheated on there last parner why woudlnt they do it again. so we both have an understanding. we just kind vent with each other i guess. she is a great person, and if i do end up divorcing my wife, i am not going to go straight to the other girl but if something happened between her and her boyfrined also i am not going to turn my nose up at the idea. i have never cheated on my wife and i never will. as far as a seperaion we have been seperated many times. i am in the military and occasionally have to go away on trainning, and she is from alaska and occasionally goes back to visit her family. i usualy can not go with cause of my busy work schedule, i take time off work and we dont eat. so we have definityl had more than enough time apart,l and whenever we are apart and get back together, it seems like we fight more than we did before we were apart. our marriage has been down hill since the first time we were apart when i went to iraq. i dont know who was more messed up in teh head when igot back, me or her.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 November 2008):
I think you need to separate from your wife, at least until you can sort out your feelings. See if you both are willing to go to marriage counseling. If she won't go then you go. Before you end your marriage you should at least try to fix it first. Then at least you'll be able to explain to your daughter (when she gets older and asks) that you did your best. But in the mean time put the office romance on hold. Good luck Buddy, keep us posted.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have told my wife many times what it is that bothers me. She takes it way to personally and basically verbally attacks me as if there is something wrong with me or she'll give me a guilt trip and as soon as I start to make a point in my argument she will give me one of two lines, she will first start crying then either say why are you yelling at me or why can't you look at me when I am talking to you. I do neither of the two. As soon as the tears start to flow it is no longer about what is bothering me, it is about me yelling at her or me not looking at her and that is how the argument ends with me eventually wanting the fighting to stop and saying sorry for whatever it is she is yelling at me for, never the other way around. I have apologized for every argument we have ever been in. See I am kind of a push over when it comes to her. I think that is where I went wrong in the beginning, I let her get away with anything. She was on anti deppressents when we started dating which made her a little uninhibited. We would go out to the bar together and I would go home alone, or sit by myself for a few hours while she was off doing god knows what. I didn't leave her then cause I saw somwething in her behind the drugs and the booze. One time she begged me to call my friends to go out with us, it was a weekday, we were gonna have a few drinks, so they did, we went to a little dive bar, she said she had to go to the bathroom. She was gone for 3 hours and came back in like nothing happened. I did love her which is why I wanted to marry, I guess I was hoping if we got married it would seperate her from that kind of stuff and her attitude would change. She stopped doing drugs but the attitude stayed. I found out she was pregnant a week before I proposed, there was no doubt the baby was mine because there was quite a few times we did not use a condom and I didn't pull out so I had to stay with her. Before I deployed we went home to see my parents. Me and her went out to eat. She begged me to let her have a drink. I knew the doctor said it would be alright if she had a glass of red wine so I let her. I went to the bathroom, came out and she was sitting with some guy at the bar smoking a cigarette so I stormed out and thanked the guy for giving my pregnant wife a cigarette on my way out. She got mad because I told the guy she was pregnant and she was embarrassed, then she proceded to punch me in the face. Again I forgave her but I had to for the baby. I'm sorry this is so long but I have a lot to say and feel I need to say it in phases. Thank you for your help.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008): Remember the word of Norman Cousins: "The capacity for hope is the most significant fact of life. It provides human beings with a sense of destination and the energy to get started".
"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye". (ANtoine de SAIntExupery)
We wipe away tears and we can learn to smile again.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008): Dear Poster
I have empathy with you for the situation you are dealing with. I suggest you get your wife to a doctor and or professional; it sounds as if she might be suffering with depression; the drinking does not sound good either and is not to be ignored.
As for her being at home with the little girl; well the kiddo is already 3 years old and no longer a baby; there should be no reason and excuse why your wife cannot at least tidy the kithcen etc; however, do get her to a doctor and have her checked for dpression etc.
I also do think you should suggest that she get herself a halfday or mornings only job and place the little one in a play school; it will be good for the child to be with other children rather then to just watch Television all day; it will be good for your wife to have an interest and to get out of the house; it will give an extra income and it will give her the opportunity to be a little more independent.
Get her to a doctor.
Best wishes and keep smiling.
...............................
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (25 November 2008):
 You will not lose your daughter just because you divorce her mother. But you may have to accept less than frequent contact with her. The courts usually prevail in cases like this where there is no abuse or neglect, and you should be able to rotate week-ends, or some other arrangement that gives you equal time with your child. Before you go through with the divorce, you should give your wife every effort to understand what you are feeling and suggest that she consider getting a parttime job, or attend classes so that she will have a purpose in her life once your daughter begins school. You should also talk frank with her about your attraction to other women and offer to attend marital counseling with your wife before you throw in the towel and run off with someone else. You should never stay in an empty marriage for the children, because they grow up thinking your disfunctional "love" for each other is normal. On the other hand, you should always attempt to make your committments work if possible. It is too easy to leave, but it takes a much bigger man to stay and work it out. I wish you the best.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni apreciate your advice. i have told my wife what it is that get s to me about her. and she doesnt do very much when she is at home. she wathces tv all day, and puts a movie on for my daughter in the back room. she will occasioanly will read a book but most of the time just yells at her to be quite so she can watch her shows. when iget home the kitchen is filthy and nothing is ever put away. i do more house work and pay more attention to my than my wife does and i work 50 hours a week. as far as going out i try to when we can afford it, but being the only one bringing in money is hard. i dont trust my wife, she told me after we were married that she has cheated on every guy she has ever been with. she said she would never cheat on me buti dont believe her. when i was in iraq she was hanging out with i guy she originally told me was just a friend but turned out later to be an ex. she aslo drinks about 5 bottles of wine week, sometimes 2 in one night and complains how we never have any money to go out to and have a romatic night alone.
...............................
A
female
reader, Teacake +, writes (25 November 2008):
 Being a mother is hard work and will put you in a very bad mood. I think she means she has nothing to do other than be with her child all day.
She might just feel overwhelmed and that is why she isn't respectful of you. That perhaps she thinks you have no idea what she goes though as she has to cater to the baby's needs 24/7.
see if she would like to go out now and then once a week just the two of you and be a little romantic if you usually aren't. When you treat a woman like you love her, say nice things about her and how much you appreciate her, she will respond better. Women need to be adored and appreciated.
The girl you might have an interest in will eventually end up the same as your wife in a couple years down the road.
It takes a lot of effort to keep things loving between two people. The fun of new and exciting is appealing, but the glow of that too will fade and you'll find yourself in the same boat you left behind.
Try to make things good with your wife!!!!!!
...............................
|
