A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How do you stop getting too emotionally involved too quickly?I have been dating a very nice man for a couple of weeks, and I am conscious that I am probably falling for him too quickly.I think he is great, his personality, his sense of humour, and the way he thinks and behaves.My problem (and I know it is a problem) is that I get too emotionally attached too quickly. How do I stop that?I want to have a proper relationship with this man, but I know that in the modern world you have to play it cool, pretend you don't actually care and it's just dating - right?I do not multi-date. If I go out with someone it is because I really like them and want to see where it leads, there is no one else in my life. But I can't hide my feelings and pretend that it's just a bit of fun! I feel incapable of doing this when I feel so strongly for him. When he doesnt call me I get upset and scared he has gone off me. I don't tell him that, but my friends are sick of me worrying. I am insecure as we are not official and at any point he could just ignore me, as has happened in the past. How does everyone else get a relationship going, getting the balance between keen and interested vs OTT smothering? I would love this man to like me and to want to see me. I am just petrified I am going to ruin it by either being too full on or not showing enough interest! How can I get a good balance?!!HELP!!!
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 As an older man who has seen a lot of strange relationships. it just sounds to me that you've not yet met "Mr. right". There are way more "mr. wrongs' than there are 'Mr.OK" or 'mr. right' My only advice and I'd give this to my granddaughter too is to proceed with care but don't just throw in the towel because the right guy is hard to find. You're right to not just fall for a guy and your "fear" is well placed. in that there is a sub-concious voice telling you to be wary. Yes there is a good possibility you might be hurt but if the right one is there it would be a shame to lose a life long partner that loves and adores you.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 My impression is that you need love and, once you find a lovable person, you tend to cling to him tooth and nail.
It is not every person that you like who will love you like you deserve. You may have all the need for love in the world, but make sure your decision to stay with a person is a rational one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): You should just be open with him about these feelings. Especially if you feel you guys are comfortable enough. I dated a girl for a while and never brought up relationship kind of stuff. My guess is that she had the same feelings you did, all the anxiety, worry, and concern. Eventually, she got to a point where she came to me and said " what do you want from me" and basically asked me into a relationship. I was really into this girl and happy to hear this. Turned out to be the most significant relationship I ever had. You should definitely take a leap of faith, especially if you trust this guy.
Besides, its better to try that than keep all your feelings pent up. Its only going to get worse that way. Your anxiety and stress will just build up which can be unhealthy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): "How do you stop getting too emotionally involved too quickly?"By consciously and carefully taking your time and being cautious of your own feelings, not the other person's feelings."I know that in the modern world you have to play it cool, pretend you don't actually care and it's just dating - right?"No, you don't have to pretend that you don't care, in fact the opposite is true, make sure that you don't pretend at all, be honest with the other person, be honest with yourself."But I can't hide my feelings and pretend that it's just a bit of fun!"Again, don't pretend, you want a serious relationship, so be open with yourself, treat it seriously."When he doesnt call me I get upset and scared he has gone off me. I don't tell him that, but my friends are sick of me worrying. I am insecure as we are not official and at any point he could just ignore me, as has happened in the past."This is due to fear and low self esteem.By the way, many people suffer with this in relationships.Read about relationships, why people are like this, and look at what happened in your family growing up. It will all make sense in the end if you educate yourself about this. You have fears, they are legitimate, you are not somehow "screwed up" because of it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): I do not multi-date:This is exactly what you should be doing actually. You become hyperfixated on men you don't even know and they will sense your premature intensity towards them and disappear. Register on an online dating site and line up several coffee dates a week with different men. Keep things platonic and get to know slowly the men who keep asking you out. You sound like a good candidate for The Rules, a book you can order online or pick up at the bookstore. It doesn't sound like you have any personal limits you stick to or guidelines to keep yourself in check so you really do need some help!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 This is all to do with your own issues and your own low self esteem. At the end of the day it is a proven fact that if a woman falls quickly and comes on to a man to strongly they are going to run a mile because they end up feeling trapped. You need to raise your self confidence do things independantly and tell your self that you do not need a man in your life, you can be happy without one. Enjoy your life. Meet with friends, do lots of fun things. Do things that make you feel happy and good about yourself.
As for trying not to fall to hard for a guy, well when you are happy with your life and you are independent then you will see having a man is a nice gesture and not as a need in life. Ok so you are starting to fall for this man after a few weeks. I guess deep down you are lonely and desperate for a man that once you start dating you fall really quickly because you want that relationship and that happy ending. You want to be part of a couple. I do get that. But when we try to hard sometimes it back fires.
So to get the right balance with this current man I suggest that you read him and see how he feels. Look at his body language, see if he is flirting with you. Flirt lightly with him, but more importantly have a laugh with him. Take your time and get to know him. Don't get to heavy and tell him that you are falling for him or that you miss him. Off course tell him you are happy to see him when you do see him but don't make it look like you have been waiting around for him, show him you have an independant life.
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